This week Ima tell the story of our group’s “Special Snowflake One-Shot.” The idea was to come up with the cheesiest possible character. As I recall, our instructions were to pretend our PCs were all invented by a high schooler shouting TEH-AWESOME! Laurel was the sadistic GM. I was a catgirl.

CAST OF CHARACTERS

  • Megami Majokko Tenshi Aeris Nekomimi-chan, battle stripper extraordinaire. She was a catgirl/aasimar/geisha. And on a meta-level, I played her as “the DM’s girlfriend.” God help us all.
  • Dark Shadow Nightbringer. He was a human/drow/halfing/dwarf, or hudrawfling for short. The guy was a master ranger/barbarian/rogue/fighter, and also a direct descendant of the entire Icewind Dale party. His black leopard was named Shadowdark.
  • Gork Splat of the Spooge Crunchers. He was a goblin. He was that kind of goblin. ‘Nuff said.
  • Archer the Bard. Dude basically played Archer from “Archer.” He was all the time shouting about ants.
  • Yarr, the Beastmaster ranger. He was this beastmaster. It was a very 80’s kind of character, so the ferrets were named Yoko and Ono, the cat was named Gwar, and the eagle was named Chaka Khan.

SO IT BEGINS

We were all having strange dreams. Some remote monastery was going to unveil an enormous magical mirror, but the portents were dire indeed. We made our way to this tiny village, and upon arrival Neko-chan immediately begins dancing. It draws a crowd, which the beastmaster’s ferrets pickpocket. Archer casts Grease on the hapless catgirl, the crowd goes wild, and Dark Shadow broods in the corner. So does his cat.

After the crowd disperses, a tall, dark, and handsome BBEG named Luciano offers to help the oiled-up cat girl to her feet. Swooning may or may not have occurred.

We all bed down for the night, dire dreams come once again, and this time Luciano appears to Neko-chan and asks for a favor. She agrees, he steals her heart, she wakes up with an unsightly mark on her bosom.

Fully awake and ready to get past the setup, we all converge on the monastery’s Abbot. The mirror has been stolen in the night, there’s a reward for it’s return, blah blah blah.

“Who took it?”

“The Vampire Dragon King.”

“Where does he live?”

“In Dark Keep in the mountains.”

“What’s wrong with my poor titties?”

“Put those things away! This is a celibate order, madame!”

We have the traditional I-don’t-trust-this-guy fight, Archer casts “detect PC aura,” and we all tromp off towards the mountains.

At this point it became a fairly standard crawl, and being drunk and tired we didn’t get too far. It basically went lightning trap, lich, trapped door, five wraiths, con drain, con drain, con drain. We beat the wraiths, but poor Dark Shadow had a con score of 3 at that point. We called it there, hating ourselves and one another.

Great one-shot. Would recommend.