You guys remember Viigar the raven familiar? Sure you do. We met him in the same comic where we introduced Skitters. While horses are ever so slightly heartier than hollow-boned avians, the same issue applies. Namely, they tend to get oops-I’m-dead’d at the first sign of serious combat. Is it time for a tale from the table? You bet your bag of everlasting dung it is!

So no shit there we were, riding up to the dwarven city of Glimmerhold in style. It was a Pathfinder 1e mythic game, and we were well on our way to invincibility. Our wizard knew literally every spell. Our paladin could smite for infinity. The crit-fishing fighter didn’t even bother with a lance anymore. Her greatsword straight up ended encounters, so what was the point? Well let me tell ya, the point found us on the road into town.

As we were crossing the great causeway into Glimmerhold, our GM launched into this Godzilla-esque description. The lake water boiled around us. A reptilian head broke the surface. Then another. Then five more. And by the time the flavor text was finished, a homebrew mythic hydra was perched on the bridge before us.

“Steady, Captain!” says the fighter to her horse. “It would appear that we have the initiative. An extra sugar cube with your supper if you manage some trample damage. CHARGE!”

And she charged. Only she didn’t. Because mythic hydras have slightly more reach than human fighters with greatswords.

“Attack of opportunity!” says the GM.

“Bring it.”

And the “it” was summarily brought. Because our GM was sick any tired of our demigod asses roflstomping through the bestiary. And this custom homebrew mythic hydra was all about attacks of opp.

“Alright,” says the fighter. “That’s barely a quarter of my hp. Now as I complete my charge, I bellow a fearsome—”

But she bellowed nothing. For the GM was rolling to-hit on the second attack of opportunity. And then the third.

“How many AoOs does this thing get?” we cried.

“How many heads does a seven-headed hydra have?” he replied.

Suffice it to say that the encounter was mildly overtuned. By the time attack #6 did its thing, even our GM was getting worried.

“How many hp do you have left?” he asked. (Which is never a good sign.) And upon hearing the shockingly low number: “Yeah look, what do you say I just attack Captain with the last bite? He’s still at full health. He can eat one little hydra strike, right?”

Notes were consulted. Calculations were calculated. And our poor fighter could only give us her best Morpheus impression. Because even after six hydra hits, she still had a better chance of surviving than her friggin’ horse.

Several sessions and one resurrection later, we managed to upgrade Captain. Our solution involved questing for a magic pool that could turn him into a dragon horse, after which we mostly referred to him as “rocket horse.” (Mythic haste + 120′ fly speed = lol.) What about the rest of you guys though? How do you manage to keep your valiant steeds from exploding on contact with their first fireball? Sound of in the comments with all your best horse protection strats and insurance policies!


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