Great and Terrible Weapon
Once upon a time I owned a table named Taft. He got that name on account of his resemblance to America’s fattest president. Twelve feet long! Four feet wide! With matching chairs and two removable leaves and a lovely little GM-drawer at either end. He might have also been responsible for forming the Interstate Commerce Commission.
Point is, Taft was a big fat gaming table, and I loved him dearly. So much so that it was an oddly poignant moment giving the big lug to a new home. We’d moved you see. And our charming little bungalow could not accommodate such a magnificent specimen.
“Maybe we could put him out back?”
Laurel explained patiently, “He’s an inside table, Colin. You know that. Taft wouldn’t like living out in the yard. Plus he’s getting a little….”
“A little what?”
“Well, he isn’t as young as he used to be. Taft is getting grumpy in his old age. Remember when he attacked a guest?”
“That was one splinter! It didn’t even draw blood!”
But the argument was settled. Our living situation was what it was, and Taft had to go. That didn’t mean I had to like it though.
When the first message came back from Craigslist, I asked a million questions. “Will you have enough room for such a large breed of table? What about exercise? He’s used to getting played with at least once a week. And you understand he’s a little….”
“A little what?” said the confused contractor with the large great room and the frequent dinner parties.
I didn’t want to say it. It would be like admitting Laurel was right. But I wanted to keep my table, so I blurted, “He’s got a lot of dings from dice.”
There came a silence from the other end of the phone.
“From what now?”
“Metal dice. Twenty-sided ones. You know, like for playing Dungeons & Dragons?”
More silence. Then: “Not a problem. I plan to use a table runner.”
Salt in the wounds! If I’d only thought to use some sort of protective covering myself, then we might not have to have this conversation! We could just do the sensible thing and knock down a few walls. Add an addition. Maybe build a heated gaming shed out back big enough to keep Taft out of the rain.
But no. I was the one being unreasonable. Deep down I knew that. Which is why, a few nights later, I found myself helping the contractor to bundle my old buddy into the back of a pickup truck. I ran one hand along his varnish, just the way Taft always liked it.
“It’s OK buddy,” I whispered. “You’ve got a new home now. I just know you’re going to love it.”
My buyer was polite enough not to interrupt the tender moment. He did look a little confused by the tears though. And I’m pretty sure he sped up when I ran out in the street to wave wildly and shout goodbye.
All I’m saying is, protect your tables. Metal dice may be cool, but a happy and healthy gaming table is even cooler.
So what do you say, guys? Do any of you other denizens of Handbook-World have a decent boy-and-his-table story? Are there any beloved play-surfaces out there? Or am I the only one who grows attached to inanimate objects? Whether it’s a well used card table or a (sadly discontinued) Sultan, tell us all about your favorite gaming furniture down in the comments!
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No tables, just various dice I never use (I play online games) and a fancy coin I got from a novelty bar of soap. It has yes/no in multiple languages on each side, making it ideal for coin flip situations.
Other novelty game merch of the sort includes some Horde/Alliance drinking mugs, a Hollow Knight enamel pin and some Playstation button ( X, Square, Triangle, Circle) cup coasters.
Yo… Can I have that coin?
*rolls Persuasion*
I mean to say, can I have that coin, you vacuous toffee nosed malodorous pervert?
*wait! I had advantage!*
…Please?
You can have the NFT version of it.
https://imgur.com/a/P0FaLbN
Oh man… You should have just answered with the “no” side, lol.
Often play on plastic tables but we did have one memorable table in my past.
My ex and I had started a lil gaming store. Well, replaced the one that closed in the same spot. mostly computers and xbox but also trading cards and some tabletop gamers. we had one table with a flippable top that was markerboard on one side and the mossy stuff for wargaming on the other. but the REAL prize was the specially built DnD table in the corner.
one of our friends built it for us. a large octagonal table with a cut-in on one side of the table so the DM was closer to the middle for reach. The entire top was markerboard for drawing on mid-game.
When we had to close our store (long story) and we tried to find the precious baby a new home with one of our friends. The table was built in the building, and did not fit through the door. We had to saw it in half to get it out. Man I miss that table…..
> did not fit through the door. We had to saw it in half to get it out. Man I miss that table…..
That is basically the ending of Old Yeller. :'(
As someone who prefers metal dice, this is the entire reason I have a dice tray. Not to keep my dice on the table, to keep my dice from HARMING the table.
I’ve heard that some especially serious dice can still cause damage through a leather tray. Have you ever found that to be the case?
I can definitely confirm this! 2″ solid steel D20. Ain’t NO tray gonna save your table!
When I was a young man graduating from my university of choice, there was a nasty old cafeteria table that we’d used for some time, obstructing exits, occupying the landings on disused stairway landings, and otherwise playing our games on campus. When we graduated, my roommate and I first hid the table outside (in the bushes next to a rarely-used doorway) and then returned in the night to install it in our apartment. The thing was covered in permanent marker stains, and there were even bits of paper that had been pressed into it. It’s still in my garage, 25 years later (the wife wouldn’t let it into the house except under “we’re not getting company, right?” circumstances).
My chief regret is that we didn’t also steal the spare darkroom door that was sitting in one of those hallways that we’d used. I’m not certain how we would have lumped it up the stairs in the apartment building, but it would have made an amazing bathroom door. I’m sure that the super would have appreciated our forward-thinking ideas once we’d moved out.
I demand photography of this iconic, marker-stained monstrosity!
Not a gaming table, but the old, beat up round table I painted my miniatures on. Had that thing for nearly 40 years and it just left with our handyman. Years of paint splashes and Exacto knife gouges will now be covered with grease stains, tool divots and nail gouges. Nice to know it will still be used.
If that table could talk, what would its fondest memory of you be?
The host for our gaming sessions has a very large, very nice, and very expensive glass table we play on. So anyone wanting to use metal dice or similarly dangerous polyhedrons has to bring a sturdy dice tray to roll them in.
Oh gods… Can you imagine straight up shattering a whole-add table with a die roll? It would be legendary in any gaming group
Legendary, maybe, fatal, almost definitely in this case.
My group is pretty consistent about using boring plastic dice, cheap tables nobody cares about scratching, or both. No such sob stories from us.
No hopes or dreams for a fancy gaming table?
Bronze is pretty good but let’s admit it, if you want some *weight* to your D20…
https://norsefoundry.com/products/single-d20-in-tungsten-by-norse-foundry
Nothing really beats having a *Tungsten* D20 to smash the table with!
Sorry, but if you’re going to go Tungsten, go all out! https://norsefoundry.com/products/tungsten-boulder-55mm-true-metal-dice?pr_prod_strat=description&pr_rec_id=d52f6e26b&pr_rec_pid=7117577781407&pr_ref_pid=7222270725&pr_seq=uniform
Or: https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://m.facebook.com/wyrmwoodgaming/videos/giant-tungsten-d20-vs-wyrmwood-dice-trayfull-episode-linked-below/260439441752545/&ved=2ahUKEwjvk8fj-oT5AhUfxDgGHSGICQcQuAJ6BAgIEAE&usg=AOvVaw0Q9IYINv_djd90arrzrJAI
The Regular Show style “Ohhhhhhhh” at the end fucking slayed me.
You sold Taft?! After so much joy, after so much time together? That is so depressive. I thought… perhaps you did managed to keep Taft. But not. This is the saddest thing i have read on a while 🙁
I did what was best for him. I like to believe he’s running around with other tables in a big famrhouse.
Our Sunday night game host got a lovely table a few years back that we’re beginning to outgrow. However, he’s very protective of his table, and rather than fuss with a more heavy-duty protector that would hide it’s glossy finish, he instead set aside a game night for all of us to decorate and customize our own dice boxes, with the new rule being ‘If the dice land outside the box, they don’t count!’ He bought wooden boxes, a multitude of colored tapes and embellishments to make ours stand out.
So now I can spot my blue-and-gold dice box from across the room the moment he opens the gaming cabinet, and when it’s set down before me, a ring of otter-themed washi-tape, courtesy of my wife, always puts a smile on my face.
Arts and crafts night isn’t a bad idea. I’ve been thinking of doing something similar for a while.
What materials did you guys have? Hot glue, cloth scraps, bedazzler kit…?
We used colored (and glittered) duct tape on pre-made wooden boxes, we had some figure paint and one guy did a logo on the board of his. It has, unfortunately scuffed a bit. One guy even printed out a Saitama meme face to put across the plane of his, and that has worked much better
One of our regular gaming crew has a very big, very nice table that (miraculously) we still got to game on after it received its two distinctive injuries: one deep gouge from the first (and last) time someone brought metal dice, and one spot where the varnish vaporized at the touch of a single drop of someone’s equally expensive whiskey. From the wisp of vapor, we thought it would keep going like xenomorph blood.
Coasters are now more than mandatory; shot glasses are banned from the table entirely.
Yo… That’s some strong ass whiskey!
Reading your no doubt entirely accurate tale of Taft the Table, I can only think that you were lucky Taft was not judgemental:
https://marblegate.webcomic.ws/comics/16
Lol. Pot’s kind of a dick, but damned if I don’t respect him!
Nice One, Corin!
I you read this one in a strong Japanese accent, it sounds like you got my name right! 😛
I have a few sets of dice and one dice ring that gets stuck occasionally.