Ladies’ Night
In a weird way, I empathize with Wizard on this one. While I’ve never been magically sex-changed thanks to a complicated series of events involving a succubus and a dead archmage, I do know what it’s like to feel shocked and appalled by horror stories from the female gamers in my life. I’m talking everything from clerks at the local game store refusing to address them rather than their non-gamer boyfriends to full on hands-on harassment at cons. There’s a reason that you see Cosplay Is Not Consent signs up at major geek gatherings, and I don’t think it has to do with dudes dressing like Conan.
While Wizard is getting first hand experience of what life is like on the other side of the gender divide, the rest of the world’s male gamers don’t get that view. No, not that view. What I mean is that misogynistic comments, creepy flirting, and unwanted grapple checks can all seem invisible to the ~60% of gamers who identify as dudes.
“I just don’t see this stuff,” is the standard reply. I’ve said as much myself on occasion. But it’s important not to let the conversation stop there. Speaking as a male gamer, we’ve got to take a moment to realize that other people — generally people who pencil in “F” at the top of their character sheets — do see this stuff. So talk to them about it. Listen to their stories. And if you do see creepy behavior out in the wild, don’t just sit by and let it happen. Even something as simple as, “Dude, not cool,” can go a long way towards making formal anti-harassment policies that little bit less necessary.
Question of the day then! How can we as a community make sure that all gamers feel welcome at the table, not just the boys’ club? Sound off with your good-ambassador ideas down in the comments!
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I, fortunately, do not have a lot of experience with this. Though, a lot of it is probably because my schedule does not support Cons. I will speak to the things I have seen though.
Do not assume that a girl is playing just because her boyfriend is playing. While this may seem simple, it comes in a couple of different flavors. Don’t assume that a girl can’t build a good character or can’t understand the system just because she’s a girl. Back when I had first joined my group, it was assumed I didn’t know how to build an effective character and I got told “Play a cleric”. So I did, and imagine my shock when people didn’t like the fact that my cleric worshiped Desna and had Luck and Travel as her domains. “Where’s the healing domain?” was followed by “I meant a cleric of Sarenrae.” So I rolled my eyes, told them to bite it cause I was playing a Desnan, and had fun. Proceeded to save several people in the group with creative save or sucks rather than just being the bandaid they had envisioned and won a bit of respect.
Don’t assume because they are normally a very feminine girl that they don’t occasionally want to do something crazy in a game. I have a friend that I later introduced to my group who is like that, but in a game likes to play barbarians, heavy frontliners and even crossplays a bit. It took them a while to get used to the fact that unlike me, her characters were not traditionally feminine.
And this one also seems obvious, but Listen. Was in a situation a few months ago where I was playing a Scion of Izanami who was a Japanese Pop Idol (took after the bright, shining mother of the gods aspect, obviously). My ST took it upon himself to have progressively creepier stalker fans show up around my character because “it’s an anime thing”. That doesn’t mean I want to rp being creeped on. It made me a bit uncomfortable the entire time it was happening.
Who the crap doesn’t love the luck and travel domains? Those are some of he best domains!
Also, thanks for sharing. The over the top dramatic horror stories are most of what you tend to see online. The subtler stuff — women should play fantasy nurses; women shouldn’t play barbarians; who doesn’t want to RP interactions with creepy stalkers? — tends to get buried. That’s exactly the kind of thing most gamers are most likely to see IRL.
Interestingly, my introduction to tabletop was with a group of six varying shades of queer female identifying players. I’ve rarely played in groups that didn’t have at least a little player diversity. I realize this isn’t the norm, but to paraphrase Crystal Frasier of Paizo fame: tabletop games were never a cis-male exclusive club, despite how they were advertised.
As a GM and player I have zero tolerance for people acting out their creepy fantasies using the game as an excuse, whether it’s hitting on other players, describing gratuitous sex or violence and cruelty. Which isn’t to say some of my games aren’t R-rated, but I absolutely take care to communicate with my players so that no one is uncomfortable.
Semi-related: I do a lot of online gaming which means looking for a library of character images, and it’s an absolute pain to find nonwhite characters (especially if they’re nonhuman) and nonsexualized female character images. I’ve found that paizo produces/comissions a lot of high quality artwork that isn’t whitewashed or mostly naked women.
I’d also add (as a side-rant) that each table has different expectations. Personally I like dark, realistic games that deal with real world issues and that’s just not everyone’s cup of tea. Some players just want a fantasy escape, and that should be respected.
Not just images. I play a bit of Mordheim — a tabletop skirmish game — and wanted to add a female hero to my force. I looked through my big bin o’ female humanoid miniatures, and it took way longer to find a suitable mini that it should have. Just “female human with sword” that wasn’t wearing a bikini. Shit’s gross.
Let me suggest Oathsworn Miniatures’ “Sensible Shoes” line of minis as possibly the best thing ever!
Well that’s bookmarked as hell. Cheers!
Quick comment: check out a subreddit called Reasonable Fantasy, which is specifically for artwork like you’re looking for. reddit.com/r/reasonablefantasy
There are related subs in the sidebar too, for other genres, like steampunk and such
And…subbed. Cheers!
I just use google images and Pinterest I’ve seen a large number of very badass types that are full clothed and armored but also your obvious sexual fantasy as well. The PoCs on the other hand is WAY harder to find and are almost always barbarians or pirate types. As for minis I bought the pathfinder sets and maybe it was just the addition but all of my female minis were very tasteful only skimpy dressed character was a pirate magus.
On the end of the harassment table I’m a male and have been harassed at tables by women and men, it’s not fun and now as a dm I don’t put up with it. No matter who it is.
Speaking for myself, it helps that I know an illustrator. By the end of the first session I’ve got more character sketches than I know what to do with. Of course, as fast as Laurel is, she’s also extremely busy. And that leaves me with the actual suggestion: commission somebody! More art springs into the world when people demand it, and… wait a minute. I wrote a comic about this already. 😛
https://www.handbookofheroes.com/archives/comic/portraiture
Yep! If you can afford a commission, then please do so! Artists need love…and coffee!
………
:V
…. :l
I’m not even gonna talk about this one, as I have empathized with Mr. Halfling every now and then.
I think it should just be, just dont be an ass, bottom line just dont ‘w’)/
B- yeah i just should not talk more than just that.
Summoner and Thief have some history:
https://www.handbookofheroes.com/archives/comic/waifudolon
But Wheaton’s Law? That I can get behind. 🙂
I hear ya.
Want to double up on people being dicks and weird? Because I’ve several stories of that from being trans, and other trans friends. I’ve since started all-trans D&D groups, and they’re lovely, validating, and help people with voice dysphoria.
That said, the hobby’s a lot more diverse & inclusive than many spaces. Just maintains a notable share of really shitty people.
I’d be down to hear a few horror stories. I subscribe to this thing after all:
https://www.reddit.com/r/rpghorrorstories/
Also, good on you for starting that group! I know I’d love to listen to your podcast. 🙂
I sometimes think the issue literally is “not seeing it”, as in, it’s there but we don’t recognise what is happening or the impact it has. That’s where taking people seriously when they complain comes in.
My other half is very sensitive to these things, and it has been eye-opening over the years to realise that what seemed relatively harmless or even normal was actually deeply unpleasant for someone else.
The problem with being taken seriously is that groups are so heavily self-selecting. For example, I’ve noticed women in some groups being very hostile to other women, belittling them and saying that they just need to toughen up because that’s how things are. In such an environment, it’s very hard to make change. It’s why I’m sceptical of “subgroup-only” events: they can act as a safe space, but they can also lead to groupthink.
Unfortunately, the only way to really effect change is through courage and standing up to the norms: both the affected people, and anyone who shares their views and wants them to feel welcome. It can’t just be “members of this group don’t like this thing” because that creates resentment. You only change norms when enough members of the dominant group openly and actively support that change.
Sometimes that means everyone who supports change needs to find a different place to play, and leave the toxic cesspools behind.
It’s a bummer though, because those cesspools become even worse when they’re undiluted by non-swamp people. When gamers abandon public venues and only play in home games, those public venues continue to turn people off.
I’m honestly not sure what the solution is there. 🙁
In my group we are four guy and a girl and there is no problem. It helps that the most… lets say, savage and unhinged in our group is in fact the only girl on it.
It’s not the same thing if you are male and roleplaying a female character, but sometime for fun others for drama, we have been in that place. Being in other people place can be enlightening sometimes. I really wish there could be a game that permit that, maybe with swords and magic too 🙂
I’ve heard that Monster Hearts is a good “exploring sexuality” RPG. I bet you could do trans werewolves pretty easily.
Check out the “sexuality and queer content” section on he wiki entry:
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Monsterhearts
In my group we have not played the game, yet, even we we have checked the rules and even make some test pc. Yes the game is full of queer, LGBT, teenage angst, coming of age, sexuality and monsters. What i like is that explore that themes but it’s not something mandatory, you can make a Buffy the vampire slayer as easily as you can make a campaign combining Supernatural with The L-Word. Your “trans werewolves” are as common as a rogue or a wizard in D&D.
That game is a good example of a game that lets you explore that things and some other themes. Very respectful of this matters. Other wise sometimes i introduce this themes, not with a specific intention but for association, when i play changeling in D&D. Queer not even reflect what they are. Once my group have a interesting chat about all of this things when i ask if a Lunar, the Exalted Queer, can get pregnant of himself, yep, pregnant of himself. Some of this chats are like the ones about the bees and birds, can be awkward but interesting and necessary 🙂
I have lost a lot of my ability to feel sympathetic about verbal harassment when I read about Nice Guy™.
I‘ll just leave it at that, my rant about this topic is generally not appreciated.
🙁
Thankfully I game in very pleasant inclusive communities so I haven’t had to deal with/see that, but I’m a regular reader of r/rpghorrorstories to get it from a safe distance.
Not sure there is a safe distance. That sub can be pretty traumatizing, even third hand!
My gaming groups irl always had a fairly even mix of people and nobody behaving poorly. Of course those people were all already friends. And we were all pretty decent human beings. Or at least the few people who entered my social circles who weren’t great people were equally ungreat to everyone.
So I really have no practical experience to draw on for this kind of thing. At most all I can really say is that people should do what they should already be doing, being nice and respectful to everyone and encourage other people to do the same.
And if that doesn’t work, I guess we can always try Mass Polymorph-ing everyone into Velociraptors.
Society will collapse and it’ll be really difficult to roll dice though. So perhaps that solution could use some work-shopping. =P
So like… do we go back to pre twenty-sided dice days and start drawing numbered chits out of bags? It’ll never work! Our talons will tear the bags.
I don’t have too much experience with this, honestly, due to being the usual GM for a group of a bunch of girls and one nonbinary person. “Omg it’s a girl” reactions basically just don’t happen at a table like that.
But I’ve been in other groups too, not typically for very long. I’ve been “M’lady”ed, had people try and explain games to me that I’ve been playing for nearly a decade and that they’ve only played twice, and of course I’ve seen uncomfortable sexuality get directed at myself and other female players without consent.
…And the only time the offenders ever get better is when someone they’re close to calls them on it, and refuses to let the offender laugh it off. Usually, that means a dude telling another dude that something was definitely not cool, but I’ve seen a lady call out another lady too, and a guy get called out by his girlfriend. So I don’t think it’s really a matter of guys having to take responsibility for other guys so much as that friends have to take responsibility for their friends.
Friends don’t let friends behave like dinguses.
I would buy that T-shirt.
on a lighter note:
4 dudes, 1 girl playing…
Player 1 takes phone call at the table.
P1 on phone: „we‘re just having a gang bang over at DM‘s place“
P2 (P1‘s GF): „I‘m out“
me: „we don’t need you for that“
Player 3: „I‘m also out“
XD
Just wanted to chime in that I have spent the weekend at Emerald City Comic Con, and the hotel I’m in had one of those Cosplay =/= Consent signs too.
Everyone before me has basically put forth all the reasonable responses/solutions that I can think of myself. Set a good example, talk to people like adults when they’re making things bad-weird, and if they can’t be talked to like adults then they don’t belong in an adult game. Every group is not for every person! Nothing requires you to keep the party degenerate on board.
Sometimes it’s a feast or famine hobby, but the feasts are glorious, and the famines are still more palatable than having to choke down pig slop.
It’s a shame that those signs are necessary, but I’m glad that they’re there, you know?
Don’t suppose there’s any extra room on Thaumaturge’s bonfire for a a small-sized bespectacled humanoid?
The Handbook of Heroes is a “what not to do” tome. That’s why we keep Summoner around. 😀