Stupid Beasts and Where to Find Them
Poor Wizard. It’s got to be tough seeing your name dragged through the mud every time some fresh abomination rolls off the magical production line.
“Is that a wasp jellyfish?”
“A wizard did it.”
“Why would you need a spiderphant?”
“I blame the wizards.”
“A pandolphin ought to be cute, but these things are tragic. Watching them pine for a bamboo diet before inevitably starving to death at sea….”
“Friggin’ wizards!”
I’ll keep it short today, because the prompt is pretty dang specific. There are two questions I want to ask you denizens of Handbook-World.
- Are those skugs? Slunks? Or is there some other, more appropriate portmanteau?
- Pretend you’re a wizard. What animals would you cram together to make your own original monster?
We’ve already got owlbears, the mighty sharktopus, sea lions, and the eponymous chimera to fuel our collective imaginations. What other horror-show half-breeds ought to grace the pages of our monster manuals? Hit us with all your finest hybrids down in the comments!
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1. Hobo Skails.
2. Fusing the Rust Monster and the Pigeon would be the most dastardly pairing I could conceive of. Great flocks of metal-devouring sky rats would make Eberron look like Athas in a matter of weeks if not stopped. If confined to more mundane beasts, the Sulfur-Crested Cockatoo and the Rabbit may be just as destructive for similar reasons.
> Rust Monster and Pigeon
No statue in the city is safe! lol
I’ll go for slunks. ^^;
And I’d totally blame a (drunk) wozard for this. Maybe one who really hates endive. Or one who had a serious feud with his neighbour over their adjoining gardens.
As for which animals I’d combine… Hawks and meerkats! They’d be cute.
P.S.: the slunks look pretty cute. I assume they won’t stink up the joint unless frightened, just like skunks. They could be useful for quickly removing plant-based trash.
I’m not going to lie… I thought they were a comically awful idea when I dreamed them up. After seeing Laurel’s rendering, I’m kind of tempted to write up some stats.
What if they could be throw like grenades to make a stinking cloud, but you have to make a Handle Animal check to keep them from “going off” in your hand? XD
Or maybe you could use a goblin toss-glove.
“… But I’m a goblin. And I’m not trying to be mean to the slunks; it’s those longshins over there I want to hurt.”
Then you have the druid faction arguing for the ethical treatment of slunks.
“Don’t throw living creatures at your enemies! It’s really quite simple to set up a slunk-friendly living space in your local forest, garden, or even a planter box for the tragically urban-bound. Harvesting the potent reagents can be done humanely and consentually, you start by expressing the glands…”
Slunk Preserve takes on whole new meanings once the slunk cottage industry forms…
“Step right up for Miracle Max’s Hypo-allergenic Slunk Preserve! Why it’ll cure your woman of those crows feet, just be careful sir she doesn’t get it into her eyes… why not? Well, it’ll give her the ole Stink Eye like you wouldn’t believe!” /rimshot
Please wear a glove. O_O
Grizzly Baras
Grizzly bear + Capybara, for the ultimate chill, cuddling machine
I’d take my hat off to you if I owned one.
Lovely idea!
Yeah, but they hibernate in the bathtub all winter. Really awkward to bathe around that.
Those are some nice Stink Slugs.
If I where to be a chimerasing wizard I’d attempt a raven monkey mix, the aim would be to create an excellent familiar option with both manual dexterity, flight and, ideally, the speech ability of raven familiars.
I might use an Emperor Tamarin for the monkey base, since the beard is such a nice touch.
Monkey birds you say?
https://piratesofdarkwater.net/characters/images/niddler.jpg
Cat + octopus = a colour-changing cat with tentacles instad of legs and somehow even more liquid than normal cats. and a cheap Bond reference.
Also very handy for decentralized code versioning!
You want displacer beasts? This is how we get displacer beasts.
River Dragon
Cocodrile+Stumble Fish: Basically a lizard like fish with the size and head of a cocodrile capable of jumping like the Stumble Fish and sprinting like the cocodrile.
Why create something like this? Try killing a dragon to get the materials for a dragonhide armor. Farming this is much more safe and quick. Until they jump out of the tank, I guess.
Thinking about it I probably should had choosen a more pacific kind of fish…
Slunks sounds better than skugs, I’m not sure I have a better name,
as to my own suggestion, I kinda like the idea of frog cats, probably called Frats or maybe frog’ats, sorta like a small housecat-sized gryphon except instead of having birdy bits it has frog
this assumes I can’t recreate Owlbears
Scugs are already well known in the Rain World community.
https://cat-nine.net/wp-content/uploads/2023/03/Slugcat.jpg
Not enough monsters based on diving bell spiders. So I would combine them with the highly intelligent and friendly wolf eel. They look absolutely horrifying, but really they just want friends to play with in their underwater jungle-gym of webs and coral. They’ll even bring down bubbles of fresh air for their guests!
Then, I would combine the basilisk lizard with a roadrunner, creating a beast that can sprint on land and the surface of the water alike, with limited swimming and flight. Utterly harmless, but they’ll speed by and snatch your food while you blink.
In order to help contain the annoyance of the sprinting lizard-birds, my next project would be some manner of tool-using coyote…
just go through the biology dictionary for descriptive names and make them come true in the other sense eg: Zebra Finch, Ant Lion.
or start mis-pronouncing common names like Eleph-ant and see what gets summond.
I believe “Ant Lion” is already used in a D&D context… though somewhat boringly, it’s just a giant ant.
The Sea Lion in early D&D.
Jerboa Ostrich remains my favorite.
https://i.pinimg.com/originals/df/26/a7/df26a78c96e713aa4e35e66aa8990b88.png
And as a videogame example, slugcats from Rain World.
https://cat-nine.net/wp-content/uploads/2023/03/Slugcat.jpg
I’m putting a Scorpiosquirrel in an upcoming dungeon.
Knowing my players, it will be adopted.
One more vote for Team Slunk!
On the notion of fun chimerical hybrids in general, it’s tough to be original.
Professor Elemental (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5M8NoHYudxw) has already graced us with the Owltoise (doing quite well), Chimpangoat (not the prettiest of creatures), Donkeypede (said to have the silliest of features), Lobsteroos, Batraffes, Badgermingoes, Marmoquins, Camelions, Tigroose.
The Last Airbender and Legend of Korra introduced dozens. My favorites are still the badgermoles (because of the song) and tigerdillos.
Hell, the ancient Greeks gave us the Elektryon, a rooster-donkey hybrid suitable for halflings whose teammates have hippogriffs.
…and now I’m stumped. I guess I’ll finish with another deep-cut from D&D lore: “Fido,” a cross between a wombat and a miniature umber hulk, from page 42 of the AD&D Rogues Gallery. (So chill & cuddly!)
I’m gonna go with Woody Allen’s great roe: “A mythological beast with the head of a lion and the body of a lion, though not the same lion.”
To be fair to Wizards, in this one instance, most whacky hybrids are the fault of the gods. Mythologically speaking anyway.
I mean if it isn’t Zues of Triton gettin jiggy with some mortal in weird disguise, swans, a bull, golden shower…* it’s probably them going, “Hey, wouldn;t it be brilliant if we had some weird combo creature to go fight one of our demi-god hero kids with?” and then the other gods all agree, and weird criters spring up.
* It was a shower of golden coins, but one of the direct translations was “shower of gold”, so i like to make Zeus out to be a real freak.
That should be “Zeus or Poseidon”… and yes, I always mix up Triton and Poseidon.
It’s the 3rd level spell ‘Create Wuzzle’
The Hoppopotamus would be the most dangerous in my book
Hippos account for more deaths in Africa than any other animal exceopt the mosquito so why not give it the ability to leap into the air and land on it’s victim….
My four year old came up with that one watching the show…
The things you learn from having small children in the 80’s…
Hoppopotasmus: Summons, rarely magical construct
Half Hippopotomas, half kangaroo
Number appearing: One, thank the gods
Treasure type: In pouch, variable depending on last victim
AC: Too hard to hit to bother calculating
HP: refer to AC listing
Size: BiiiigggGGG
Alignment: Chaotic Unnecessary
Slunk for sure, and for the monster mash Pangolin + anything I freaking love pangolins. iron plated beasts would make for lovely guards as well.
Pangoliath.
Steel-type Sandslash!
They are Sklungs 🙂
Perhaps i would cross a lichen, the algae-fungus thing not Vecna, and an owlbear. Just to see what happens and what unholy abomination get unleashed into the world 🙂
If possible also would combine that with a mind flayer to see whats up with that misshapen thing running around the country suffering and making other people suffer 🙂
In addition to Sea Lion, D&D 3.5’s Stormwrack gave us the seawolf, which is a seal with the head of a wolf. Also it’s a shapeshifter that can turn into a human or wolf-human hybrid. Also they’re basically lycanthropes, and their bite curses people to turn into seawolves.
Tasmanian Devils and nice. Let the king deal with THAT infestation.
These are clearly skunkopods. (Gastropods, but with more skunk. Also vaguely pod-shaped.)
As for what sort of animal to create – well, to get a proper “Why would you do this?” reaction, you need something truly horrifying, for which I would suggest crossing a raven with a wolverine. Clever, inquisitive, perfectly capable of learning to open doors and mimic human speech… and just as happy to maul you as to look at you. I expect that the raverine* would very quickly become the bane of low-level adventurers everywhere.
* For bonus points, mix in a little bit of peacock just for those bright rainbow feathers.
Just want to point out that a panda/dolphin is just an Orca. Much like other combo animals, the result is a lot more… murdery than either of the source animals
Horsefly: a horse with the head and wings of a fly. Cheaper than pegasi, if you don’t mind the looks and the eating habits.
I’ve always been of fan of Thrilling Intent’s slime dogs.
But if I have to take a crack at something of my own off the top of my head….
How about…. platypus + octopus. Which could be confusing named either…. Platypus or Octopus. (Or if you want an actually unique name that doesn’t wind up with level 1 adventures dying by droves I GUESS you could name it an Plotypus. It probably has the McGuffin then though.)
I want to make something that’s half-octopus and half-something-else, but it’s hard to imagine something that could add something to the distinctive capabilities of octopodes without crippling the things that make octopi unique. Octopuses are just hard to improve.
Anyways, how about a viper/snail? It hides in its twisty little shell, then strikes when pointed at something threatening. Call it a snaiper.
The most depraved Wizard hybrid is combining Dwarves with apes to make humans.
1. they are the notorious ‘Skungs’ half skunk half slug and double the pain to remove…
2. my creation would be a combination of ravens and squirrels. as ravens can be trained to come back home. so first they still all shinies they can find, next they bury them in my backyard…
arrg damn auto correct.. Still > Steal..
So… Squarvens? Rarrels?
Squarvens obviously Squarvens.
it’s right there along with scurvy..
Squirrely scurvy scurrilous squarvens squick me out.
Spiderrats are my favorite crossbreed. So many beady eyes staring at you from the ceiling….. snakewolves are a close second, hunting in packs across the northlands.
Oh man… vivid flashbacks of the way the decapitated wolf head in Mononoke moves: https://twitter.com/i/status/1052905087457263621
You all clearly dream too small.
Crossbreed crows and ravens, purely to make it even more confusing.
The challenge is keeping them from running away, since they’re rather… craven.
Collective noun is a “cower.”
I’ve got a bit of a dirty mind so my immediate thought was to combine a horse, a duck, and a barnacle, because they all have enormous schwanzstuckers
https://media.tenor.com/x-byVhGSwq8AAAAC/young-frankenstein-woof.gif
Octopus & Earth Elemental = Rocktopus
Spider & Monkey = Spider Monkey (Spunky)
Cat & Dog = Cat Dog
Godzilla & Sperm Whale = Spermzilla
> Spermzilla
O_o
Just figured I’d share a couple of relevant OotS strips:
Maybe the Quailtiger? https://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0322.html
Drunk Wizards: https://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0130.html
Eel Spiders? We could call them Neogi…
Burlew 1:9 GITP: “The thing that hath been, it is that which shall be; and that which is done is that which shall be done: and there is no new quailtiger under the sun.”
Would the eel tigers fold their legs along their bodies or Predator styles around their mouths?
https://preview.redd.it/oc06cq45osb11.jpg?auto=webp&s=2ad4576889f58227466e2a2d936ef5e5e91d9b82
Probably along their bodies:
https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5bd88db093a6320f071b1a50/1617243832822-VGLE3SL5UC27HM15R8QS/2e_MM_Neogi.jpg?format=300w
Ok, first those are obviously slunks.
Now for my original monster… the Laupine. Front half of a wolf, back half of a (giant) rabbit. Breeds like a rabbit, but an aggressive carnivore like a wolf. Do not release on any continent where you plan to settle long-term.
Pepe Le Goo.
nice.
There is a RTS videogame, called Impossible Creatures, whose story was that the protagonist had to use technology to create chimaeras, to defend from other scientists’ chimaeras. You choose between body, head-tail, arms, legs, of any of the animals you could get the DNA off, the body was what defined the size of the animal, and its stats were a mix of them, so choosing the fastest parts on the body of a turtle would not get the best of both. Bad part, all stats were physical related only.
From memory, some i made on that game were:
– Cheeno: A Cheeta with a Rhino’s head or body, for attack power or toughness.
– Chamly: a mix between a chameleon and a fly. Terrifying as a swarm, extra if mixed with a poisonous snake to apply it on the chameleon’s tongue. If going big with this, it could grapple on distance.
– Chimrafee: body of a chimpanzee for throwing stones and head of a giraffe for higher sight. Disturbing.
– Killer eagle: to drop some tons of killer whale on top of someone.
But the top prize is reserved for a story i told on a previous page, when a DM on a table i was in mixed Intellect Devourers, spider legs, Xenomorfs from Aliens, Ratfolk, and Treants (not all on the same creature). The idea was to add Aliens (and later Predators) to Faerun, and it turned extra creepy.
A sentient, sapient race with nine strains, cobbled together from snake, man, celestial, fiend, elemental, and some combination of bird, bat, fox, wolf, hound, eel, octopus, fish/aquatic beast, mole, rodent, insect, and cat. The strains would be incredibly variable and able to breed with all races thanks to their celestial/fiendish heritage. The strains would be:
1. Cryselan. Humanoid torso with a snake trunk in place of legs, four arms with burrowing claws like moles or rodents, gemstone scales, and the head of some sort of burrowing beast. The combination of celestial, feindish, and earth elemental power manifest as the ability to create, control, and destroy earth, stone, metal, and similar things.
2. Waveilan. Humanoid torso and arms with a snake trunk in place of legs, several tentacles sprouting from their back, the heads and natural weapons of various aquatic creatures. Their otherworldly water elemental heritage lets them control water, cause it to be corrosive by infernal power or healing wit celestial essence.
3. Irenean. Humanoid torso and arms with a snake trunk in place of legs, wings of a bat or bird with black coloring speckled with silver, the head of an owl, fox, or nocturnal feline. They command the winter winds, the cold light of the stars, and the deceptive nature of the shadows with their inborn magic.
4. Lotroan. Humanoid torso and arms with a snake trunk in place of legs, the wings of a diurnal bird, and the head of a wolf, hound, diurnal feline, or raptor. Their magic is the wrathful and chaotic fire of the sun.
5. Lunaramaran. Humanoid torso and arms with a snake trunk in place of legs, the wings of a bat, and the head of a bat, wolf, or nocturnal predatory bird. Their skin, scales, fur, and/or feathers are a pure black. Their magic is the magic of night, of slumber, terror, and darkness.
6. Lotrovaran. Humanoid torso and arms with a snake trunk in place of legs, feathered wings, and the head of a hound or diurnal bird, all colored in white, silver, and gold. They wield the power of the day, to smite, reveal, or impress.
7. Asmodean. Humanoid torso and arms with a snake trunk in place of legs, a skeletal head of any natural creature, wings formed of tears in reality. These are destruction made manifest, whose touch is death and appearance is herald of disaster.
8. Mikalean. Humanoid torso, head, and arms with a snake trunk in place of legs and wings formed of prismatic light. These are creatures of creation, able to create anything, even life, by sacrificing their own life force.
9. Shay. Humanoid torso and arms with a snake trunk in place of legs; three pairs of wings, one feathered, one bat, one of spiraling grey light and mist; the head a hybrid of bat, fox, and cat. All of one of these is colored in shades of grey. The Shay have no power to create, nor to destroy. They are transformation, able to change flesh, stone, air, flame, water, and anything else they encounter.
probably something involving Rust Monsters, Trolls, Ogres, and ants, make the ultimate guards