Always Choose Gold
In tabletop RPGs rewards are things like currency or enhanced weapons, potions or pet dragons. A reward is anything that can give you an edge over the several dozen books full of monsters that want to eat your lunch, and your sole purpose in life is to acquire as many of these as possible. You’ll need them too, because if you’re playing the game properly, the GM exists solely to kill you and take away your hard-won stuff. Anybody who tells you different is a dirty hippy who wants you to play FATE. It is important to ignore these people and make fun of their fudge dice.
Do you know what a princess is? A princess is the opposite of a reward. These royal harpies give an edge not to you, but to the GM (who is, remember, trying to kill you). Princesses are designed specifically to get kidnapped, seduced, poisoned, and mind-controlled away from your protection and into danger. No points for guessing who’s going to have to save her dumb ass. And when you do brave the dangers of Castle Evil Dark, is she going to be grateful? Hell naw. She’s going to talk smack about your height and then call your barbarian buddy a walking carpet.
So if you ever get the choice, say no to Her Worshipfullness and yes to the gold. Whether her name is Peach, Ann Darrow, or Morpheus, you’ll be better off without her in the long run.
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I had a game where my players got a princess as a reward. She was of dubious alignment, had a history of possibly having tried to kill her older sister on more than on occasion, was happy to take any excuse to leave her backwards tribe behind, rescued herself in the middle of the players rescuing her and others, and was actually useful in combat. She also wanted her share of the loot.
I was on board to change my opinion until I got to the end. “She also wanted her share of the loot” indeed. That’s a hanging offense!
Does it help any that she would encourage the party to do things of questionable (or not questionable at all and flat out dangerous and illegal) morality to acquire said loot?
Actually recalling this character, I now remember an occasion where she slipped away from the party for about an hour and returned with a wagon, two horses, and several barrels of trade goods. She didn’t offer an explanation and the party was unwilling to ask.
Now right there. This is exactly what I mean. That princess is going to bring the local constabulary down on our heads. I say we drop her off at the nearest dragon and be done with it.
“Let’s at least check the loot for magical stuff first” said the monk who takes his share of the loot in magic items
This specific situation hasn’t come up much in most of the games I’ve run or played, but I think that there’s a key difference to determine whether or not ‘The Princess’s hand in marriage’ counts as a reward or not.
Does the marriage come with the kingdom? Or, y’know, at least a fief? At that point from a pure mechanics point of view, the reward is the power and resources, and the princess (unless you’ve taken Leadership and given her specific stats to defend herself with as an NPC under player control via feat) is more about maintaining that resource. Sure, your wife may be threatened, seduced, or mind controlled by whatever the GM is threatening your extended circle (of adventuring companions, friends, or exalts, your choice) this week, but saving her from that becomes in that case more the on-going upkeep for the resources of getting to be royalty.
Also: if you’re that worried about your immediate circle if NPCs take Leadership and get those NPCs some stats so they can defend themselves a bit without threatening your PC’s spotlight and maaaybe serve as a backup character in a pinch.
One story I liked had it a requirement to marry the Princess to get the goods! Without that marriage (the King had 11 daughters, and one son), no reward for you!
Nice. I dig the fairy tale theme.
Well, excuse me, princess!
I wonder what class Link would be? Probably alchemist.
One thing I’m surprised doesn’t come up more often in RPGs is the hero saying “Thank you, Your Majesty, but I’m (already married/vowed to chastity/a girl)”. Be a funny fairy-tale deconstruction, to have a knight rescue the princess from the dragon, explain that he’s already married, and the king be like “Great, now how am I supposed to find a suitable prince?”
Or a simple “no thanks.”
https://www.handbookofheroes.com/archives/comic/always-choose-gold
Not to steal your thunder, but I can almost guarantee that Aeshdan was familiar with that page already! 😉
But if I continually link back to my own stuff, I have better metrics! Gotta feed those spiders.
Also, I had no idea what comic this was referencing when I replied. It was on the site’s back end sans visual reference, lol.
The princess got off easy.
But the insult to her honor and stuff!
Old School Joke: The reward for marrying the Princess is becoming a Marquess. Guess becoming a Baron (epic level fighter) is easier.