In tabletop RPGs rewards are things like currency or enhanced weapons, potions or pet dragons. A reward is anything that can give you an edge over the several dozen books full of monsters that want to eat your lunch, and your sole purpose in life is to acquire as many of these as possible. You’ll need them too, because if you’re playing the game properly, the GM exists solely to kill you and take away your hard-won stuff. Anybody who tells you different is a dirty hippy who wants you to play FATE. It is important to ignore these people and make fun of their fudge dice.

Do you know what a princess is? A princess is the opposite of a reward. These royal harpies give an edge not to you, but to the GM (who is, remember, trying to kill you). Princesses are designed specifically to get kidnapped, seduced, poisoned, and mind-controlled away from your protection and into danger. No points for guessing who’s going to have to save her dumb ass. And when you do brave the dangers of Castle Evil Dark, is she going to be grateful? Hell naw. She’s going to talk smack about your height and then call your barbarian buddy a walking carpet.

So if you ever get the choice, say no to Her Worshipfullness and yes to the gold. Whether her name is Peach, Ann Darrow, or Morpheus, you’ll be better off without her in the long run.


THIS COMIC SUCKS! IT NEEDS MORE [INSERT OPINION HERE] Is your favorite class missing from the Handbook of Heroes? Maybe you want to see more dragonborn or aarakocra? Then check out the “Quest Giver” reward level over on the The Handbook of Heroes Patreon. You’ll become part of the monthly vote to see which elements get featured in the comic next!