For those of you keeping track, this is the second ventriloquism-based punchline in Handbook history. There’s a bounty of 3,260 XP for the first person to track down the original.

While you’re busy with your quest, Handbook-World reporters have been busy with our own. Our intrepid investigative journalists caught up with Miss Gestalt at the Crumbling Ruins Condominium Complex. Judging by the blood-soaked notes our editorial staff managed to piece back together, they even got a few questions in with the famously reclusive Half-Vampire Half-Werewolf. The following has been lightly edited for clarity and Aughhhh.

HoH: You and your dark master have kept a low profile ever since that fight at the Evil Chapel of Evil. What have you been up to? 

Miss Gestalt: First of all, let’s be clear on one thing. ‘Your dark master’ is outdated terminology in the modern workplace. He’s my boss, and our relationship is purely professional. As for your question, my daily routine revolves around polishing BBEG’s skull and doing his nefarious bidding.

HoH: Why isn’t BBEG polishing his own skull?  

Miss Gestalt: Frankly, he cannot. BBEG lost most of his corporeal form when the Hell Portal collapsed. Hard to perform personal hygiene without any hands.

HoH: You mean to say that BBEG has been reduced to some sort of disembodied lich-skull, preserved only by the fierce loyalty of his undying lieutenant?

Miss Gestalt: I see what you’re implying. He may have the gemstone eyes of a demilich, but I have never seen him flense the flesh from his enemies with an unearthly howl, or drain the life from their still-twitching forms. In truth, I am unsure if he even possesses a 30 ft. fly speed.

HoH: Sounds like things went poorly for your side during that last encounter with the Heroes.

Miss Gestalt: It does, doesn’t it? But then again, even though BBEG is little more than my clutch purse these days, he keeps saying things like, “All according to plan,” and, “Everything is proceeding as I have foreseen it.”

HoH: That reads as standard villain talk to me. 

Miss Gestalt: Perhaps. Who can say what  fell purpose my dark m…erm…my boss might harbor? But come now. You have not waylaid me on my secretive errands to discuss BBEG. What would you know of Miss Gestalt’s personal life?

HoH: Well, I confess that I’m intrigued by the phrase “secretive errands.” What brings you out of the lair?

Miss Gestalt: How could one such as myself stay locked away? The days grow shorter. Portents of doom hang in the darkling sky. As the world itself grows cold as tombs, and as the coward folk of Plotsville gather close about their hearth fires, I stalk unseen amongst the human kine, driven to seek the one thing that can ease my affliction.

HoH: That’s a wire pet brush. 

Miss Gestalt: Jawohl. I shed like crazy this time of year! My whole summer coat blows out the second the weather begins to turn.

HoH: *Snerk*

Miss Gestalt: You find my lycanthropic curse to be a source of amusement.

HoH: Well I mean… Do you have flea and tick shampoo in that bag as well?

Miss Gestalt: Goodbye, Ms. Reporter.

HoH: Aughhhh!

Oof. We lose more reporters that way. On the bright side, at least we managed to snag a look at the inner lives of our villains. No doubt they’ll remain safely sidelined for the foreseeable future. >_>

Like the lady said though, the days grow shorter and the world grows cold. That makes it the perfect season to talk about old enemies climbing back out of the tomb! For today’s discussion, what do you say we revisit the theme of favorite recurring villains? In your own campaign, how were they defeated the first time? How did they manage to make a comeback? And what does a villain have to do to earn the right to recur? Shout out all your favorite vampires, most relentless creepers, and assorted nemesisen down in the comments!


ARE YOU THE KIND OF DRAGON THAT HOARDS ART? Then you’ll want to check out the “Epic Hero” reward level on our Handbook of Heroes Patreon. Like the proper fire-breathing tyrant you are, you’ll get to demand a monthly offerings suited to your tastes! Submit a request, and you’ll have a personalized original art card to add to your hoard. Trust us. This is the sort of one-of-a-kind treasure suitable to a wyrm of your magnificence.