First of all, I would like to take a moment to acknowledge the fact that Wizard runs like a muppet. That done, I’d like to talk a bit about eldritch bloodlines.

If you’re not familiar with D&D lore, sorcerers wield magic thanks to their kooky origin stories. The 5e Player’s Handbook mentions “the touch of a demon, the blessing of a dryad at a baby’s birth, or the taste of water from a mysterious spring” as possible choices. These are colorful, flavorful options for creating a sorcerer to match your vision. They are also total bullshit. Sorry 5e, but these fairy tales are nothing but a pleasant fiction: a fanciful effort to lend a veneer of respectability to the class. Come on, sorcerers. We’re all adults here, and you’re not fooling anyone. Just put on your big-boy robes and admit that, at some point, one of your ancestors did the nasty with a dragon.

Maybe great-grandma was drunk. Like…really drunk. Maybe the dragon was especially handsome. Who knows? I’m certainly not going to judge. There are much worse things in the multiverse to have sex with. And if you happen to be a Pathfinder sorcerer, then you’ve probably got some of that “much worse” swirling around in your veins. There’s the Cthulhuesque aberrant bloodline, an undead bloodline, the super-gross pestilence bloodline… Heck, if you want to take the crossblooded option, you can even wind up the direct descendant of a swarm of bugs and David Bowie.

My point is that you (assuming you are a sorcerer) should embrace your weirdness. Be proud of your orc/psychic/kitsune heritage and love who you are. You’ve probably got the Charisma to pull it off. And if not, you can always sic Granny on the mean kids at magic school.

Question of the day then: What is the weirdest origin story you’ve ever encountered? Did it add to the game, or did it simply come off as bizarre?


ADD SOME NSFW TO YOUR FANTASY! If you’ve ever been curious about that Handbook of Erotic Fantasy banner down at the bottom of the page, then you should check out the “Quest Giver” reward level over on The Handbook of Heroes Patreon. Twice a month you’ll get to see what the Handbook cast get up to when the lights go out. Adults only, 18+ years of age, etc. etc.