GUEST STRIP: DnDUI
You know what I love most about gaming? It teaches you to play nice with others. Sure you’re a creative genius with an awesome character concept and an above-average damage output, but then so are the other Cheeto-encrusted dorks in your mom’s basement. The trick to a successful game is making sure that all those kooky characters and creative ideas come together to form something awesome. It’s sort of like forming Voltron, but with less paladin stacking.
In any case, as long as we’re on the subject of Cheeto-encrusted dorks, I’d like to thank our pals at DnDUI for the art trade. They are precisely the sort of drunken reprobates that most likely play Fighter, Cleric, Wizard, and Thief out in the real world. You couldn’t ask for better bunch of collaborators, either in the webcomic business or (if their awesome podcast is anything to go by) at the gaming table.
Merry Christmahanakwanzika to all you good little adventurers out there. We hope that Santa brings you a shiny new mini/dice set/source book this year, and that each and every one of you crits the New Year for max damage.
THIS COMIC SUCKS! IT NEEDS MORE [INSERT OPINION HERE] Is your favorite class missing from the Handbook of Heroes? Maybe you want to see more dragonborn or aarakocra? Then check out the “Quest Giver” reward level over on the The Handbook of Heroes Patreon. You’ll become part of the monthly vote to see which elements get featured in the comic next!
Happy Holidays and thanks for all your hard word 🙂
Never a hard word for you, my dear Cookie.
…I had that coming. Clearly not enough points in Linguistics 🙂
But then you might kill the new year…
Merry Christmas to all!
I know! Think of all that sweet XP we’ll get!
Colin, killing babies is an evil act. So having some roleplaying XP as well. =P
And he plotted, his Grinch hands maliciously steepled,
I MUST find a lair less abundantly peopled!
For tomorrow, he knew every last girl and guy
Would shop bright and early, the limit? The sky!
And then! Oh, they’d buy! Oh, they’d Buy, Buy, Buy, Buy!
They’d spend all the next session! Just to BUY! BUY! BUY! BUY!
(I can make more if you want it)
Do want! Dormninja plz.
And they’d all try to haggle, high Charisma and low,
And they’d whine. And they’d Whine! AND THEY’D WHINE!
They would whine about shopkeeps, and artifacts rare,
and this had the poor Grinch yanking out his poor hair.
And THEN they’d buy something he liked least of all,
once they’d fully outfitted, and purses were small,
would go to that tavern and sit in seclusion,
and listen to some wrinkly old man’s delusion.
And the man would start talking. He’d talk. And he’d talk. And he’d TALK.
And the more the Grinch thought about plot exposition,
The more the Grinch though “I’m in real poor position.
Why, for fifty three years, I’ve hoarded my wealth.
And they’ll take it right from me! It’s bad for my health.”
Then he got an idea. A LAWFUL idea!
Oh, the Grinch got a wonderful, Lawful idea!
“I know just what to do!”
The Grinch cackled with pleasure.
And he made up a nobleman’s suit at his leisure.
And he snickered and sneered, “With a dog and a leash,
I’ll look just like a nobleman’s son, noveau riche! And I do have a dog…”
The Grinch looked about, and he found his old mutt and he Glamoured his snout.
He fixed up his cave and he put on fine airs, which he knew would catch all the town’s sops unawares.
“It’s a story they want, then I’ll have them in tears. They’ll never catch on to my real form for years!”
And he dug in his coffers till his fingers turned blue, when he found his old scroll labeled “Polymorph, True”
And a few muttered words and a neat incantation, gave the Grinch a demeanor befitting his ‘station’.
So he pulled up his desk, and he patiently waited
When finally all of his fears were abated.
The party showed up, all in kicking-ass mode,
when the Grinch shouted “Stop! You’ve just found my abode.”
And the Fighter was ready to chop with no question,
But (cough cough) THIEF said “Hold on, let me make a suggestion.
The man in the town, he was nuts.” So she said.
“So let’s talk for a moment, before you behead.”
And the Grinch said “That’s splendid, I’ve been waiting for years.
Maybe decades, or centuries. I’ve lost all my peers.
I’ve lost all my holdings, and all of my land.
But my last real possession is this small golden hand.”
And he showed them a pendant he’d dug out somewhere
which was cupped in his manicured hands with all care.
“If you give this piece back to the woman I love,
Though she’s most likely passed, and now watches above,
Then I’ll give you a map of a tomb I once found.
Incredibly dangerous and deep underground.”
And the Grinch, oh, he knew, that the party would bite.
They’re all suckers for this kind of feelsy-good fight.
And mysterious dungeons, they’re a crew’s bread and butter!
Yes, they’re much more enticing than some old drunken nutter.
The THIEF looked at Wizard, and nodded yes once,
while the Fighter just pouted and looked like a dunce.
This was not a new look for the walking tin can,
He had dumpstatted Wisdom, but back to the plan.
Once all the adventurers had packed up and went,
the Grinch said to himself, “You can all go get bent.
I hope that you choke on that lousy old trinket.
Take my gold, will you? Well, don’t even think it!”
And he raided the town, and he sacked the whole place
While the party contended with Underdark race,
Not a single Perception had ever been rolled
by the party, as they’d been distracted by gold
And when Grinchy was done with the looting, they say
The depth of his hoard grew 3 sizes that day.
Since he looked like a noble, he took his great cache
And skipped two countries over with glee and panache,
He set himself up as Overlord Grinch
And the silence he wished for was his, what a cinch.
And the prime evildoers all learned from his deed.
Why go fight a big party when you can mislead?
While adventurers crawl in the mire and ooze,
You can have a fine dinner, and ladies, and booze!
If you make them all think that, while working for you,
They’ll be doing the right thing and profiting, too.
So to all you DMs who want to be beast,
What you do
You yourself!
Keep your daredevils fleeced.
I bow to genius. Well done sirrah!!
Dude… Keep an eye out for an email. We’re sending you some con schwag. That was awesome.