Flim-Flam
It’s nice to see Thief and Fighter doing crimes together. Their murderhoboism may be toxic individually, but when taken together their compatible playstyles somehow turn the corner back to endearing. I have no doubt that certain suspicious purple dragons would disagree. From where I’m sitting though, anything that prompts PC tap dancing is a positive.
These may be my favorite moments in gaming. You can plot and plan all you like, but there will come a time when you have to think on your feet. The police have stopped you to ask a few questions. The fae want to know what you’ll bargain with. You’ve been discovered at the scene of a crime you did not commit. This is where the magic happens. In these scenarios the words you say matter just as much as the dice you roll. And that’s because you conjure new plot points with every syllable.
If you adopt a false persona, then you’ve just introduced a hair-brained scheme that you’ll have to perpetuate. If you opt for a bribe, then you’ve entered negotiations, and you might have to give up something. Wanna pretend to be a drunk, act as a distraction, and so let your friends slip by the guards? You’ll have to figure out how to catch up to the party afterwards. All of these situations might look like the same pass/fail social check, but the consequences vary wildly depending on your approach.
Therefore, for today’s discussion, what do you say we get a little practice at the fine art of making shit up? Pick one or more of the scenarios below, then adopt your favorite PC’s persona. How would they talk themselves out of this situation?
- THE RITZ: “I’m sorry. This district of Capital City is for only the snootiest nobles and richest merchants. I can’t let you folk through.”
- THE BARD: “What is the meaning of this? How did you arrive in her highness’s bed chamber? And where are your clothes?”
- THE BILBO: “Unless my ears deceive me, your pockets jingle with 24 platinum pieces and 13 of gold. So then, little thief: Why should I not roast you where you stand?”
- THE HORSE TRADER: “I’m very sorry you’ve got a Time-Sensitive Quest™. But this is a business I’m running here. No coin, no horses.”
- THE LINGUIST: The goblin sentry narrows his eyes at your green face paint and false teeth. He demands, “Dar daan maach makhaakaal ot daagaan?” Goblin isn’t one of your languages known, is it? Didn’t think so.
There are any number of ways out of these predicaments, but your chosen approach may or may not lead you into hotter water (or at least more interesting RP situations). All clear? Alright! I look forward to hearing from all your most cunning characters down in the comments!
ADD SOME NSFW TO YOUR FANTASY! If you’ve ever been curious about that Handbook of Erotic Fantasy banner down at the bottom of the page, then you should check out the “Quest Giver” reward level over on The Handbook of Heroes Patreon. Thrice a month you’ll get to see what the Handbook cast get up to when the lights go out. Adults only, 18+ years of age, etc. etc.
The Ritz:
„Where you think yor merechance and nohbells get their wealth from?
We have Time-Sensitive Infoormation™ for yonder client, so hexcuse me we didn’t change from our Worn Exquisite Adventuring Gear into something more optically pleasing.
Schemes need to be set in motion before the peasantry gets as much as a hint of this.
Bonus points if you “upgrade” the guard’s uniform with Worn Exquisite Adventuring Gear.
My favourite character… That would be old Pathfinder Barbarian named Tyr Thralltaker from Linnorm kings. He would aproach any of those scenarios with first Intimidation (took the feat that added Str bonus to it) if that failed, the follow up would wary so I’ll take the horse trader one: Roll to intimidate “Listen here you mewling southerner, you assist us or be a hindrance and as I do not have a boat nearby I’ll have to settle for Blood Eagle to remove said hindrance”
The ritz also would make for good one: Roll to intimidate “Listen here little man. I will go there and you stand aside or I will find a long thick pole to match that stick up your arse and ram it straight up and proceed to spitroast you like the little piglet you are.”
And as last name implies I was more than happy to take enemies alive as Tyr did carry manacles with him. Funnily enough, aside for temporary (poor bastard survived 3 sessions) Chaotic good cleric, my Chaotic Neutral Barbarian was often the “good guy” of our merry party and also with Cha 10 the most charismatic person on the team. Yes the Intimidating slaver was a Paladin compared to rest of our murderhobo squad.
I believe you mentioned that you’re Finnish. I imagine that Linnorm Kings was more or less your typical Tuesday. 😛
(PS: Changed a word or two in your comment. Careful of the casual slurs.)
Which is why in a group half of locals and half yanks it either led to “I see what you did there” to Yank: “Did you memorice the description of blood eagle from the source book?” Me: “There’s a source book that lets me perform it?”
I had initially made two characters while deciding what kind of character I want to play. The other instead if a sea raider would have been gunslinger in style of Hakkapeliitta. occasionally I do miss that I let go of chance to yell “Hakkaa päälle!” when ever charging. Oh well maybe in another game.
I’ll try to watch my tounge in future, or get Captain Haddoc creative.
Well damn. That Hakkapeliitta dude was one of the better googles I’ve done in a while.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hakkapeliitta
Thanks for making me aware of his existence. 😀
If you need a unit of horsemen with pistols and itching for melee know you know what to base it on. Pretty sure youtube has that battle cry so you can play it and make the guy with German or Polish ancestry sweat.
Goblin: I subtly bite the inside of my lip, and then force my tongue onto the bottom of my mouth. Slightly opening my lips and letting some blood be seen, I garble out some angry noises and wave my fist, pretending I can’t speak. I then grab a stick and draw some pictures in the dirt; one of me walking in and both of us smiling, then other of him stopping us, then getting slapped in the face. Looking up and locking eyes with the goblin, I point at the happy picture and smile, then point at the slapping picture and growl.
I can just imagine some bastard GM creating an “illiterate” goblin.
“Oh yeah. They don’t do pictorial representations. All he sees is squiggles. And now he’s angry that you made him think about culture.”
I was once in a party that had to interrogate/negotiate with some goblins that knew maybe 5 words in Common (mostly “Give back!”), and we did resort to drawing pictograms in the ground with sticks. (I think the second time one PC had Comprehend Languages on, but we still had no way to talk back except through drawings.
THE LINGUIST: cover mouth in shock while gasping “Ohh!!…” as if i’v just been insulted beyond believe. tear up, (or seem to) move other hand to cover eyes\face while pushing the offender aside and storming right past him.
THE BARD: turn to the one questioning : “You! why are you still dressed?! Her highness ordered for all seven of us to Model for her an hour AGO!. come on, chop chop, and where is your harp?!”
btw the 1st one work best if you got accomplices who can point and mutter angrily from behind..
rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb
Probably the best BSing I’ve ever seen was from my first D&D group, when one member of the party decided that he wanted a pet dragon, so we all went over to the dragon isles and decided to steal ourselves some eggs. We managed to sneak into the hatchery well enough, but as we were pilfering our pets, a guardian entered, a terrifying beast we had now way of dealing with. He demanded to know what we were doing here, and when no-one could think of a response, our ranger stated, “We’re looking for potatoes”.
It was such an out-there lie, but it did give the dragon pause. Perhaps it was the confidence in the ranger’s voice; more likely it was the dragon got confused over how utterly absurd the lie was. The dragon still choose to roast us anyway, but the ranger survived to make use of the role-play XP she gained, so all’s well that ends well.
You see? You can do anything with potatoes!
https://media.tenor.com/images/286518f83a455d9f8ae5b55177661429/raw
Oh, the Ritz is easy. That’s the classic “worker” ploy… dress up as someone who belongs, and you can go almost anywhere. Did that at least once in a Shadowrun game… talked my way into hotel rooms with the aid of a cleaners uniform and a pilfered access card. She was a fun character… primarily a shooter, but also quite adept at both social and physical infiltration.
In a completely different game (this time D&D), we got the entire party into a facility by claiming – again backed by costumes – to be a crew of plumbers. I can’t remember whose character did the talking for that one… I don’t think it was my rogue.
Disguise is a surprisingly necessary for some bullshitting strats. But in a weird way, I think that makes these kinds of heists a different category than “bullshitting.” You’ve had time to plot and plan these scenarios rather than being forced to think 100% on your feet without the benefit of established props.
True… though in some games, skilled use of illusion and other magic can compensate for lack of planning. A Warlock with “Mask of Many Faces” (i.e. “disguise self” at will) can be a lot of fun in that respect.
The old quick change artist! Very nice.
Improvised disguises are an art of their own, though-
Fail with The Ritz, come back a few minutes (and some strategic usage of straw and the party’s bedding) later as the mysterious veiled noble and her entourage.
The mysterious veiled noble? She’s so glamorous! Please, come right this way yer ladyship….
The Ritz: “We are the Census, here to ensure only the wealthiest nobles are in the district. Your diligence will be commended, now stand aside and do not hinder official government work.”
DM’s note: if you mention the Census exists, your PCs will use it on every damn obstacle they encounter.
I can only imagine the snootiness of the accents used in these scenes.
+2 circumstance bonus to Bluff checks for carrying a clipboard.
it’s called „clipboard of authority“
First thing I aquired when I got a permanent job was a company clipboard that makes me look like I‘m on a mission from boss.
The Ritz: (going for the piss-artist, after all – no stock up can stand to have a non-eccentric designer for their stuff):
“very well then, would you be so kind to tell Lady Ponpon that due to your complete lack of understanding in what really matter she would..she would..oh i can’t say it..ohh..she would have to… wear the same dress twice!!! “(wobble and seem to almost pass out from the emotional outburst)
at this part the rest of the party should gasp out load and just stare at the poor guard until he crumbles.
Barbarian: “I am not doing that.”
Rogue: “Just fall over you idiot!”
Barbarian: “I kneel before no man. But for the glory of Lady Ponpon *cracks knuckles* I would do much.”
😀 * starts to applaud *
Man, I would like to see how a scam like that goes someday.
forgot to mention, they absolutely have to keep mumbling about “the scandal!”
I hope there are some lace fans handy.
The Bilbo:
„Thief? Moi?
oh the arrogance! As if only thyself is able to aquire coinage!
I will have you known that these coins where earned by good honest embezzlement! And they won’t even notice unless they try to sell the riverside property.“
Just gotta hope this isn’t one of those dragons with the uncanny hoard-sense ability.
“Those are my coins, little thief!”
“How could you possibly know that?”
“The GM wants to roll initiative, that’s how!”
Just when I thought Fighter couldn’t get more Evil, he gets in on NFT-scamming…
Truly, his alignment knows no bounds.
THE RITZ: “I’m sorry. This district of Capital City is for only the snootiest nobles and richest merchants. I can’t let you folk through.”
Abby Mooneyes (N tiefling Rogue/Brawler) replies: “Shh, buddy! C’mon over here. Look here, see this work bill? See the seal? One of the fancy folks hired my little group here for some uh, ‘discrete services’, you get me? Of course you do. Bet you’ve seen it all go down. We don’t want to ruin one of the Quality’s reputation by making a lot of noise, right? Look, they even gave us a little something for your ‘understanding’. Go on, take it.”
I imagine she flashes half a ham sandwich at the guy real quick like.
Never! Abby would eat the whole sandwich.
Her grocery list will do just fine. 😉
THE BARD: “What is the meaning of this? How did you arrive in her highness’s bed chamber? And where are your clothes?”
Lord Guim (CG zlapav Rogue/Brawler/Wizard (Wild Mage)/Technomancer)
“Well, my species doesn’t actually wear clothes, unless it’s really cold or really fashionable. Her Highness the Royal Princess saw me from her window and – out of the goodness of her heart and being unfamiliar with my culture – had me invited here to have her maids tailor me a suit. Really, when I publish my travel guide, I must give your lovely kingdom an extra star, just for the gracious spirit and generosity of your royal family, Mister…? I am sorry, I don’t think I’ve caught your name.”
Ending on that particular question is smart. NPCs (and GMs) tend to go on the back foot when it comes to names.
https://www.handbookofheroes.com/archives/comic/moniker
THE BILBO: “Unless my ears deceive me, your pockets jingle with 24 platinum pieces and 13 of gold. So then, little thief: Why should I not roast you where you stand?”
Ryvin Altessar (CG human Fighter/Wilder)
“Seriously? Your ears are that good? No, really, that’s amazing! Let’s see, let me count them out. 1 … 2 … 3 … 4 … You’re right! That is the exact amount! Wow, I’d heard dragons were amazing, but that is – that is AMAZING! Hey, can we try that again? Go on, go on, when am I ever going to gave another chance like this? Turn your back for five minutes, I’ll put some coins and stuff in my pockets, and you tell me how much of each I’m carrying.”
Flattery is good. But methinks a dragon is too clever for the Bugs Bunny routine.
It doesn’t matter how smart you are: no one overcomes Bugs Bunny.
Smaug himself would fall to Bugs Bunny.
Fafnir would fall to Bugs Bunny.
Once the rabbit starts talking, reality takes a back seat.
This is true. Now show me on your character sheet where it says “Bugs Bunny.” 😛
“See, Doc? It says so right here! Oh – gasp – don’t tell me an educated soul like you can’t read Rabbitese, Doc!”
THE HORSE TRADER: “I’m very sorry you’ve got a Time-Sensitive Quest™. But this is a business I’m running here. No coin, no horses.”
Valai Blackrune (N elf Wizard (Illusionist) replies:
“Fine with me, buddy. But the ‘time-sensitive quest’ here is to get out of this burg before the dire wolves breach the town walls and eat us all.” *surreptitious casting of ghost sound “Whoopsie, sounds like they’re coming. I’d grab the till, hop on any old horse and get going if I were you…”
I’ll never understand why a distraction spell with a range of “close” requires you to “speak in a strong voice.” Kind of defeats the purpose.
That’s what (a rod of) Silent Spell is for. 😉
I‘d say that’s what Pathfinder was written for: Do away with (unfortunately only most of ) the BS.
THE LINGUIST: The goblin sentry narrows his eyes at your green face paint and false teeth. He demands, “Dar daan maach makhaakaal ot daagaan?” Goblin isn’t one of your languages known, is it? Didn’t think so.
Mebi (NG catfolk Alchemist/Duelist) replies:
“Hiccup!” – * holds out mostly-full waterskin that reeks very strongly of powerful alcohol* – “Hiccup!” – hopes the smell of the booze will cover the smell of drow sleep-poison
You know, it occurs to me that such a flask might be a wise thing to include in one’s adventuring gear generally.
/hastily taking notes…
The Ritz: “My rapier is worth a hundred years of your wage, my ring could buy another manor here. If you were patrolling the roads instead of harassing citizens, maybe I could be back from a business travel in my usual fancy clothing without attracting a new bandit group every ten feet. Now begone before your captain hears of this!”
The Bard: “I was changing into my costume for my next performance, milord. Her Highness told me I would not be disturbed in her room.”
The Hobbit: “Those are actually 27 iridium sample, as I am a geologist prospecting these caverns.”
The Horse-Trader: “That’s unfortunate, but understandable. Instead of borrowing, we’ll have to steal them, then.” roll initiative
The Linguist: “yoparimba badabadeya stulla laba daba daba duyan dillandu barillas dilla deyaduu badaba daga daga daga daga duyaduu badu dubi dubi dubi deyaduu badaba dillas dillan deyaduu”
I especially like your response to the Ritz. 😀
At what wealth-by-level does this approach to The Ritz start working?
Any enchanted weapon is going to be masterwork, by definition, and it’s doubtful the average random guard can figure out the precise level of enchantment just by looking at it. So with a good bluff score, somewhere around level 5 or 6 would work. At level 10+, it’s basically not a bluff anymore. #DNDeconomics
• THE RITZ: “Did you see him?! Did he come this way? Why didn’t you stop him? Lord Porpington will have our hides if we don’t get his lapdog back.” (Stoops to a crouch and begins skulking past the guard, whistling.) “Here boy! Hee-ee-re Brutus!”
• THE BARD: “I should ask you the same question! Barging into a royal chamber like it was a common tavern. And where are my clothes, her majesty sent them to be pressed and perfumed simply hours ago.”
• THE BILBO: “Thank heavens I found you! I was looking for help back to the surface—my severe case of vertigo has gotten the better of me and left me terribly off-balance. Fortunately, I found roughly 40 ounces of metal to go in each side-pocket and help me achieve equilibrium again. Platinum, you say? Well-well! Never seen one of those in person, before. I just felt that it was 1.8 times less dense than the gold and assumed it was aluminum.” [J—Yes, I’m aware that’s actually roughly backward of their true relative density, but our halfling rogue is hoping that his Bluff check is greater that the dragon’s ranks in Knowledge (metallurgy).]
• THE HORSE TRADER: “A likely story. Anyone can see that this horse is counterfeit.” (Turns to another PC) “Sir? Does this equine resemble your missing brother? –Just what I thought, another clear case of baleful polymorph. I’m going to need you to go inside and fetch the bill of sale for each of these animals while we guard the evidence and send for the city watch.”
• THE LINGUIST: (Shakes head incredulously.) “Daagaan? (Shuffles forward.) Makhaakaal. Maach.” (Once within melee range, attempts sneak attack.) “Boring conversation, anyway.” [This is why some of my characters devote a couple of points at creation to Orcish and Goblin. Bluffing sentries and eavesdropping is easier when —surprise— you speak Monster.]
XD * applauds * Marvelous! Simply marvelous!
Depending on era aluminum might be more expensive. It’s a plentiful element but it’s a bitch to smelt
Loving that horse trader approach. No GM in the world would refuse to “yes, and” such shenanigans!
I have been toying with the idea of having a grifter who sells a special magic item: A stone block on the end of a chain. Assuming you remember its activation phrase it can be summoned back to you when stolen and nobody else can use it.
That’s where its actual benefits end, but it still has plenty of “Benefits”: You can mark your ownership of other objects on this chained block, but that in no way prevents other people from using said items.
I’ve also had grifters try and sell the party “Oil of essence”.
there is a bard archtype that specialize in this kind of things:
https://www.aonprd.com/ArchetypeDisplay.aspx?FixedName=Bard%20Hoaxer
“Hoaxers specialize in creating valuable-looking counterfeits and infusing these false treasures with dangerous magic to make their marks more vulnerable to future swindles.”
the only class iv seen that specifically call out the ability to make cursed items intentionally (my GM banned the rule that said any item can be made cursed on purpose ).
let me tell you some of the cursed items? totally OP (looking at you https://www.aonprd.com/MagicCursedDisplay.aspx?ItemName=Dust%20of%20Sneezing%20and%20Choking)
The extent GMs will go for a dumb joke is mind boggling sometimes. It is also the subject of Friday’s comic.
Necromancy, that is how you solve any problem you may have 😀
You misspelled “fireball.”
https://www.handbookofheroes.com/archives/comic/i-cast-maslows-hammer
Why not a little of both? Hellfireball!
I guess this is where those flaming skeletons come from.
That so needs to be a real spell 😀
Try using a fireball as a divan 😛
https://www.handbookofheroes.com/archives/comic/unnaturally-comfortable
https://www.gannett-cdn.com/presto/2021/11/10/USAT/c5caa034-2683-4029-b156-4dce9c029439-001_AFP_AFP_9RD4TC.jpg.JPG?width=2560
Are you telling me you could go around the world on 80 days? Challenge accepted!!! Hope you manage 🙂
Winner receives some words of congratulations as a prize 😀
Now I’m curious to see what a dragon hoard NFT looks like. Is it a pinup of thief and/or Goldie on a pile of gold?
Apparently pictures of apes are synonymous with NFTs, and Fighter is the only Apefolk in the party.
What about the elusive Yeti/Sasquach/Wendigo?
I’m not sure, but I suspect it can be no more than six characters:
https://www.d20pfsrd.com/magic/all-spells/a/arcane-mark/
Careful of saying something like that to Laurel, if you wish to remain unstabbed by pencils.
The bard: “Oh! Is that where I am? So sorry, I was just practicing a teleport spell for the first time, and not only am I in the wrong place, I do seem to have somehow left my gear behind! No spell components, and no spell book mean that I was kinda of stuck here like this. Could I trouble you to lead me out the back, as I do not wish to cause a scene!” The fact that the character is in no way a caster does not change the excuse
This reminds me of the old Nodwick story where they tricked a dragon out of its lair by getting it to invest in swampland real estate. Times change, but so much stays the same.
All by my character Diane, the investigator I played when I was a player in War For the Crown:
The Ritz: “I am one of the most successful tailors in this city, on a commission from the princess herself. Either you let me through, or I inform the crown family that their daughter’s dress won’t be done in time for the gala next week, and I give them your name as the reason why.”
The Bard: “Me? What sort of guard do you call yourself? I’ve been waiting here for two hours for someone to find me. Just imagine if I’d been an assassin, and not her cousin hired to test the castle defenses. I’m not even that good at breaking into places, and look how easy this was. Pathetic, you should all be fired, we simply MUST find the royal family some new guardians.”
The Bilbo: “Ah, you see, I come from the local church of Abadar, god of civilization, law, and commerce. We realized that some of the coin being spent in town had been illegally appropriated from your hoard. In the name of law, I am sent to return it. We do believe this is all of the total value, but if there is still a difference, feel free to send a messenger and we will locate the funds that remain missing.”
For the first four there’s always the old standby “What’s that over there!?”
For the last one you might have to pantomime
In one of my campaigns, the party was trying to rescue a person held in the attic of a large mansion during a big party. At one point, a PC (disguised as a guard) and my DMPC (disguised as a maid) were upstairs near the attic when another guard came up the stairs. The PC’s response was to kiss the DMPC, then act like he’d just been caught by his boss slacking off with his girlfriend. The DMPC added to this by shouting “I’ve made such bad choices!”, bursting into tears and then running down the stairs (which caused the real guard to follow her, allowing the PC to get back to the mission). To make it funnier, neither the PC nor DMPC were human-ish (a kasathan and a tengu), but were magically disguised as humans. That did have the advantage of reducing the awkwardness between the two characters afterwards (instead of starting a whole romantic subplot).
Rather than picking a “favorite”, I’ll just pick the Blades character I’m currently playing, Ashlyn “Ink” Coleburn (a Whisper, ward of Lord Scurlock, in a gang of Hawkers).
And I’ll just do all the prompts I think, because this is a cool idea.
THE RITZ: “Yes, exactly.” walks on past as if she belongs there
THE BARD: “Excuse me sir, I’m here by invitation and if you haven’t noticed I’m in the midst of changing! GET OUT!”
THE BILBO: “Because of the unpredictable transmuted ghost I just unleashed, have fun with that, BYE!” runs away from two dangers, one of her own creation she can’t control
THE HORSE TRADER: (As a note this wouldn’t actually happen in our game because our best allied faction is the Cabbies) “Ladies, Gentlemen, deal with him.” sicks crew’s thugs on horse trader and steals horse
THE LINGUIST: “Oops! Oh well, could always use more ritual ingredients.” attempts to silence/strangle goblin with electrified whip-like demon tentacle she uses as a weapon/ghost wrangling tool
Playing the FFG Star Wars RPG, and my party was trying to rent a repulsor truck to carry us, our scrap haul, and our equipment around on a planet.
Thanks to the power of the Force of my Bullshit, talking up all the issues this truck ALLEGEDLY had (which it turned out to suddenly have acquired as I was in the process of bullshitting the owner), how much damage it could do when it broke down, AND what this rental company would end up being liable for, we managed to talk the guy into selling it to us outright for half its listed price.
We may have also posed as inspectors from a planetary OSHA. Afterwards, our GM told us that the poor bastard was one strain away from fainting outright from the Force of our Bullshit.
RPG shopping is so weird. If you handle it right, you wind up with some of the best encounters of a campaign. Overdo it and you wind up spending inordinate table time haggling over two credits worth of docking fees. See also relevant comic:
https://www.handbookofheroes.com/archives/comic/shopping-expedition
Sounds like you Star Warriors nailed it though. 🙂
I recall my Lost Mines of Phandelver group’s pregen Rogue pretending to be a party of fanatical Tymora worshipers there to visit the local shrine, threatening to curse the local bandit gang with bad luck if they tried to rough up the party or collect tribute from them.
A few good rolls and some acting later, and the bandits decided to leave the party alone if they didn’t stay for long.
The Tymora-worshipping acolyte who lived nearby was pleased by the gambit.