Never Split the Party 3
It can’t very well be a running gag if we don’t trot it out every once in a while. Of course, the never-split-the-part shtick isn’t the only recurring joke in today’s comic. Like Lumberjack Explosion before her, poor Snowflake is having to put up with the equine encumbrance rules. It really has me thinking about the way this hobby treats horses in general.
I mean, I’m something of an exception when it comes to in-depth knowledge of animal handling. For many years I lived in Wyoming, popularly known as “The Cowboy State.” Not only that, but I took a full half-hour trail ride last time I was on vacation. I’ve even studied footage of horses in action, which is how I know they behave exactly like dogs. Come to think of it actually, my horse knowledge may be fairly typical of the average gamer.
If you want to get horses “right” then there are plenty of Horse Misconceptions in Fantasy Writing type articles out there. Go get your 4H advice from an expert, not a webcomic. But even if I’m not overly-qualified to comment on equine ecology, I do have some thoughts on horse-as-plot-device. And they are wonderfully adaptable in that role.
For example, leaping from a tower and onto horseback negates all falling damage. When navigating a harsh environment à la Lawrence of Arabia, your horse is guaranteed to die at a dramatically appropriate moment, thus warning you that it’s time to use the wilderness exploration rules. A good horse can carry as many wounded companions as necessary. It never spooks or runs from battle, does not need to be fed or watered, and will always come conveniently at your call, even if it’s otherwise assumed that you tied it up at ye olde hitching post out front of the inn. What’s more, if you have an exceptional horse, it will also sacrifice itself to prevent a TPK, running conveniently slower than the party if a chimera or whatever is about to catch you.
And so, with these examples of the many uses for our four-legged friends in mind, I now turn to the rest of you with the question of the day! What is the most exceptional, heroic action you’ve seen a horse (or any beast of burden) perform in a game? Did it strain credulity? Does that even matter? Tell us all about your encounters with wonder horses down in the comments!
ADD SOME NSFW TO YOUR FANTASY! If you’ve ever been curious about that Handbook of Erotic Fantasy banner down at the bottom of the page, then you should check out the “Quest Giver” reward level over on The Handbook of Heroes Patreon. Twice a month you’ll get to see what the Handbook cast get up to when the lights go out. Adults only, 18+ years of age, etc. etc.
That’s why I prefer skeletal horses. They never get tired, hungry, sick or spooked. Furthermore they obey your commands even though they couldn’t previously. So the moment you get yourself a new horse, I suggest you kill and reanimate it… and please ignore the angry druid noises in the background.
Death (with a capital D) would not approve.
https://discworld.fandom.com/wiki/Binky
Death doesn’t mind skeletal horses. It’s just that all the bits keep falling off.
yeah, but the superstitious yokels pelting you with rocks tend to take the fun out of thing experience
Well, you have to find volunteers for your undead army somehow.
You just need to make a better horse costume for your horse.
Yeah, but the damn horse never wants to be the back half.
Lucky Luke’s Jolly Jumper was basically made of awesome – and snark.
In my own campaign, a thoroughly evil, spiteful half-fiend warhorse named Beatrice performed a daring rescue, pulling the party from combat with a death knight that was heading for a TPK.
Well… no one else was going to feed her.
For today’s comic: it’s not a nice way to treat a horse, but Snowflake kind of has it coming. (Though I wonder whether this sort of treatment contributes to her character flaws…) Also, she’s finally contributing something to the group.
It’s got to be a workout carrying so many humanoids. And you can’t get better at sports if you don’t train:
https://www.handbookofheroes.com/archives/comic/tournament-arc-part-6-8
The solution to most horse or other mount realism problems is to get an unrealistic mount. Summon a phantom horse with magic, without the flaws of a real horse! Train a pegasus, unicorn, dragon horse or nightmare, who are outright magical/fantastical and have keen intelligence. Use a magic carpet, broom, or other mount-like magic vehicle (if you need personality, make it an intelligent item).
I wonder how badly that would mess with an actual horse person?
“It bit me! Why the hell would it bite me? I gave it an apple!”
“Hippogriffs are like that.”
If you look at a steed with a hawk head and horse legs, and then think “This thing probably likes apples,” you’ve overspecialized your animal care knowledge.
I ponder at what point Snowflakes evil will spread beyond Elf Princess.
“They can’t overburden me if there’s no bodies to carry.”
“Whilst I do have to be unerringly loyal to Paladin, nothing says that an ‘accident’ can’t befall him through outside means and brokered arrangements.”
I suspect you of being an evil horse.
I will not deny being a little hoars.
A little correction to the rule of good horses never running – they will die, stumble or flee instantly if attacked by any ranged weapons from a protagonist character, or if ridden by a faceless soldier (if the faceless soldier doesn’t die first).
Also, in a sufficiently extreme climate conditions, a mount will prove to be the ideal size to be an emergency shelter or cover from attacks.
Add ’em to the list!
Since when do faceless soldiers get good horses?
Why, whenever the protagonist needs a new mount and there’s a cavalry unit of faceless soldiers willing to volunteer one, of course.
Can the anti-Party not afford a cart? I’m pretty sure that’d be more comfortable for Horse and Humanoids alike
Paladin is saving up for it in Snowflakes saddlebags, but they always seem to be a few hundred gold short.
But then you wouldn’t get the fun teambuilding exercise.
I don’t know much about horses. What I do know is that Texas law does not allow ranches to put riders on horse if they weight more than 240 lbs.
For me, this puts horse encumbrance in perspective.
Congrats. You seems to know more about horses than I do. 🙂
What about Laurel’s knowledge about equines? She’s the artist, after all!
Ever notice how her dragons look a bit equine? Unlike me, girl is actually from Wyoming. Grew up mucking out stables to pay for her riding lessons.
The best horse wisdom she has imparted to me is, “They’re super dumb.”
In a pathfinder game I ran, the party squared off against a Lantern Goat Gruff.The first round they didn’t think much of this undead goat, and started beating the crap out of it. Then it activated its fear aura, and everyone failed. The party was left cowering in a corner while this goat turned the tables and set to work murdering them. Only one creature stood between the party and certain doom: the cavalier’s mount, who did succeed it’s will save. The mount dragged the party to safety within a nearby chapel, then 1v1’ed the undead beast.
Moral of the story: If a party member is incapacitated, it can be fun to let them control their mount instead.
Solid GMing right there. I’ve had to rewrite a couple of “you’re paralyzed / feared for 37 rounds” type encounters in my time, and this is a prime way to go about restoring player agency during those awkward combats.
What is your opinion on medieval stasis? Did you ever make a comic about it?
That’s exactly the sort of issue I don’t worry about. I’m out here for the tropes and the adventure. I feel like serious world-builders that have serious problems with seriously unbelievable world histories are playing a different kind of game. It seems like a fun game for them, but it sucks a lot of the joy from the experience for me.
The world exists. The fact of it is its own explanation.
I like worldbuilding, and I don’t see a contradiction between any form of D&D I’ve played and mildly plausible histories. To say nothing of how many creative possibilities are lost every time a writer looks at the ridiculous ways magic would fundamentally transform a world and goes “I’ll stick to standard fantady tropes” instead of “I think I can do something with this.”
You know, just ONCE I wish someone would run a serious campaign focused around the “Captain-America”-ing of players and not just have every be the same after 10000 years or something.
Something like the first priests of an ancient god awakening to a modernized version of the city they were ceremonially entombed in.
“There’s a decent chance the same dynasties are ruling over the same areas,”
This is the worst sin. I miiight buy tech stasis, but the same polities? Really?
As soon as you’ve figured out the quasi-Greek word for “enjoys the part of Harry Potter where wizards disappear their own crap rather than using toilets,” let me know.
https://sites.google.com/site/amagigames/the-what-i-like-glossary
This isn’t the same tho. Wizards pooping was Rowling’s frankly bizarre choice to share. This is an interesting campaign idea.
At least FR, THE medieval stasis setting addressed this point by saying the gods stop tech (and the harpers— look up harpers cause medieval stasis in Faerun.)
The topic at hand is “the ridiculous ways magic would fundamentally transform a world.” I believe the lack of bathrooms in the wizarding world qualifies.
This is just my taste, but I don’t care about worldbuilding for its own sake. For me, worldbuilding serves the interests of narrative. The harpers and the stasis field are neat ideas, but so are One Rings and fraggles and wormhole-based super weapons. Whether I happen to care about those things has more to do with a story and characters than the neat idea in isolation.
Happily, my tastes are only half of this comic.
Laurel is more into world-building than I am. After spitballing a little, I think we may have come up with a decent gag on the topic.
Jealous and jilted lover, abused mount, target of interest of the dashing and unpredictable Horsepower (daring man of mystery that he is)… how long before she meets a twisted ferrier who just happens to have the Horseshoes of Domination? What star crossed universe has given Chaotic Evil Fighter a champion of justice unicorn, and Lawful Good Paladin a twisted schemer?
I look forward to Snowfall’s eminent Fall into greatest villainy. BBEG had best look out or he’s going to lose to a horse.
I’m just saying it. Snowflake is the most dynamic character in this whole mess.
If there’s ever a Handbook of Heroes Adventure Path….
I’d support that Kickstarter!
I’ve go the design chops…
https://www.drivethrurpg.com/browse.php?keywords=colin+stricklin&x=0&y=0&author=&artist=&pfrom=&pto=
…And Laurel would crush the layout. It’s just a matter of finding the time. Honestly, we’re more likely to do a Handbook book as a first Kickstarter, though even that is a year or two off. As it turns out, grad school is hard.
When will we have a league of super-evils, featuring BBEG, Snowflake, Gestalt, Lady Duplicity and Antipaladin’s Boss?
Note: Evil PC party doesn’t count as they’re far from ‘super’.
I want to see an alternate universe where Snowfall was Fighter’s mount and Lumberjack Explosion was Paladin’s. Would Paladin find himself inexplicably caught up in the adventures of Horsepower? Would Fighter have lost his last meaningful connection to the Light Side? Would Lumberjack Explosion have a less-ridiculous name?
Marvel-style “What If?” scenarios? Could be fun.
My War For The Crown party effectively neutered any and all danger of navigating nature on horseback through the Kineticest.
They realized that Celerity, which gives a group of target creatures Haste for 1 round (or multiple rounds if you take burn) has no cooldown, and as such, they can just permanently haste the entire party’s horses during travel. It turns out, no random encounter is going to be able to keep up with a hasted racing horse (50 foot base speed +30 for haste, double move if in danger means a solid 160 feet per 6 seconds, up to 800 feet in one round if the horse has to use the Run action.)
For reference, a horse can Run for 21 rounds (just over 2 minutes) before it needs to start making saves, and has a +12 to those saves. They can’t begin to fail until at least 25 rounds into running, at which point the hasted horses have covered 20000 feet, or just under 4 miles.
Bandit Ambush? Just run.
Hungry woodland predators? Just run.
Drakes attacking? Just run.
Nothing short of like, an adult dragon is going to outspeed a running hasted horse for long enough for the horse to not lose them before they need to stop running.
800 feet per six seconds…that’s ninety miles per hour. Not on a smooth highway, I’m presuming, but over rough terrain. Even if the kineticist’s Celerity also grants supernatural reflexes to dodge obstacles, I think as GM I would call for a reality check at some point.
(Also, just for gits and shiggles, one of those bandit ambush parties is gonna have a kineticist of their own. Return-of-the-Jedi-style speeder bike races!)
Haste would have to grant supernatural reflexes along with it or the benefits of haste would all be more or less useless. If your reflexes can’t keep up with your suddenly doubled speed, why even have the increased speed? Kinda like how superpowers have to have inherent secondary powers like superspeed inherently making you friction resistant so you don’t self-immolate every time you run.
Well then. I have my next Mutants & Masterminds PC.
Now I’m imagining a speedster without that required secondary power, but with wolverine-style super fast healing to compensate.
If the sense of humor/seriousness fits they might also be addicted to painkillers.
Had a buddy that did almost exactly this. It was invulnerability instead of healing though. And he couldn’t use it at the same time as his super speed.
I believe he was called “battering ram” or some such.
Slapstick.
I’m guessing most random encounters at this table begin with fireball from ambush and an exploded horse.
Have you ever seen those “fastest land speed” threads? They always crack me up: https://forums.giantitp.com/showthread.php?478368-Pathfinder-max-land-speed#:~:text=Apect%20of%20Tiger%20Charge%20%2B%20slow,)%2C%20or%20roughly%20Mach%204.7!
The funny thing is, that exact kind of random encounter is WHY they started doing this.
For a few weeks now, they’d been on-and-off dealing with a local vigilante. She tries to break into their home, gets spooked off because the inquistior sits up all night staring at the door like the sociopath he is.
Eventually, she decided a road ambush would be the best idea, and set up a bomb on their cart’s path, and left bear traps around to stop them from just charging her freely.
That was when they decided to switch to Hasted horses.
“Damn you, Inquisitor Celer and her companion Kuai! I swear, next time I’ll—”
“What?!? Speak up, I can’t hear you!”
I love Snowflake’s glower as she looks back at her passengers. “I know all your names, you realize. I also know your professions, but yeah, that’s redundant.”
Is Barbarian injured, hungover, or just knows to grab her sleep when she can?
I’m told that is the artist’s rendition of a short rest.
My horse once broke me out of jail.
No, seriously. I was locked up by the king for telling him that his moustached advisor was an evil imposter, but my cell had a window.
So, as any paladin would do, I climbed up to the window, then took the 10 minutes to cast Find Steed out through the bars. Once my loyal horse was looking up at me from the outside of the tower, I instructed it to go fetch a harness and some rope.
The horse returned, dutifully bearing harness and rope in its mouth (although who it stole them from, I haven’t a guess, as neither I nor the horse had any money). My steed after several failed attempts managed to throw me the end of the rope with his teeth.
I don’t quite remember how we got the harness onto the horse (though I suspect I may have used the Holy Weapon spell to conjure a floating hooked blade to manipulate the harness with), but we were able to hitch up horse and rope and I wrapped my end around the bars in the window of my cell, then instructed the 18 str horse to start pulling.
And the rest, as they say, is history.
Sorry. Too unrealistic. 0/10. Couldn’t happen in a fantasy game. Horses don’t really behave that way. IM NOT JEALOUS, YOU’RE JEALOUS.
Stupid cool horse-based prison breaks… Grumble grumble….
This is from post-campaign epilogue so it might count less, but…
There was a Final Fantasy campaign wherein I played a Dragoon. Due to events surrounding the final boss’s defeat, the party got split up for a few weeks. When my PC (and another PC who had gone with her) returned to the group, she and her companion were riding a chocobo which she had taught some Dragoon tricks to. Specifically, their return was announced when the chocobo super jumped, wall-slid, and wall-jumped to the party’s location. This was not an entrance the group was expecting, so they were not looking up until their ears alerted them to something large (2 people astride a chocobo) incoming from above.
Some of her foes thought, once upon a time before they realized how she had trained that chocobo, that they were safe from death-from-above with her greataxe because they were a quarter mile away. It was not so much that they were proven wrong, as that proof resulted in them no longer being capable of thought.
I imagine there are a lot of broken ankles in dragoon training.
My group has a running joke that we don’t mess with horses due to the number of times they’ve either saved us from TPKs or nearly caused them. One notable case was in a tough fight where every single party member got knocked out, but the paladin’s mount stayed standing, took out the remaining enemies singlehandedly (or, rather, singlehoofedly), then stabilized all the dying characters before they could bleed out.
How… How did the horse apply first aid?
Very well, apparently. I guess the DM just went with Rule of Fun on that one.
I treat horses in fantasy setting how I treat cars in modern settings and just assume the characters know how to handle them. all the little things like feeding, watering and tying them up so they don’t wander off vs getting petrol, checking tire pressure and finding a parking space. just ignored by players with the assumption that the characters know to do that. as for a warhorse being spooked and bolting, treat it like a car breaking down, only test in extreme circumstances, not every time an arrow flys by/every time you hit a pothole.
I’ll never forget wanting to drive a car across town in my first Vampire game.
“You have 0 dots in drive. Make a check. You plummet off the Brooklyn Bridge.”
Exactly my point. Even if your character had never driven before, all that would happen is they would stall before making any headway. To reach blues brothers levels of fuckup, you need a certain level of competence to get far enough to make that kind of mistake.
This isn’t a horse story, but it’s close. It’s a pack mule story.
So, there I am, playing Dungeon Siege, the computer game. Now, the designers of Dungeon Siege knew about ye olde gamer trick of min-maxing one character’s stats in the party to have the maximum encumbrance, naming it Mule and basically using it like a pack animal. They one upped this shtick by allowing you to purchase a mule and using it in the party, it took up a character slot, it never got better or advanced, but it carried //a lot// of equipment. They were also easy to spook, kicked like a mule, and were tough as nails.
So, pretty early on I’m fighting a whole crew of snow greblins or something, the heroes are seriously stuck in and fighting for their lives against wave after wave, and trying to keep these varmints off the mule (I was getting tired of having to go chasing after it if it got spooked). So of course it gets spooked and runs off down the pass ahead of the party! I’m thinking, “Oh man, it’s dead and I’m gonna lose all that loot, and worse, I know there are ice trolls up ahead.”
So I finally finish off all the waves of snow greblins and head off to expecting to find it dead and a pack of trolls waiting to fight me for it’s corpse. Instead I find dead greblins. Then around the next bend, a pack of dead cold witches. Then a few dead trolls. Then a whole pack of troll corpses, one after another along the trail.
I did mention mules kicked like mules right? So I later learn they have the highest basic monster damage attack, but only strike if attacked first. And they can attack while running away. Also, every time they get attacked, it resets their “run away’ timer…
So I followed this trail of carnage all the way through the pass to the safety of the next town. Pack mule just standing there like “What took you so long? Oh, and healbot get on these wounds.”
I was tempted to replace half my party with mules right there, instead of just one party member…
Friggin’ epic. Is that mess actually exploitable, or did you just get lucky with the mule going in exactly the right direction?
I like the Oblivion/Skyrim horses, they’re perfect for climbing mountains or even buildings.
My real-world horse knowledge is that they’re finicky and panicky, and spend most of their time trying to find the stupidest ways in which they can get hurt or killed. Like they’re trying to spite their owners. I knew a horse who got injured in its hindquarters after getting spooked and falling into brambles, and the vet had to stitch back some sensitive areas, and, long story short, a consequence of the damage was that it would from then on make fart noises every time it made a step with its left leg. Clop clop clop fart clop clop clop fart clop clop clop fart.
Also they eat a [i]lot[/i] of hay. Like, really a lot. Like a single horse will eat about thrice as much hay as a donkey. Sure the horse is larger but still.
On the other hand, that’s true for Arab and European horse breeds, who’ve been selected for size, strength and speed at the cost of their stoutness and smarts. Horse breeds closer to the “original” wild horse, like Przewalski’s horse, are a lot more robust, need a lot less food, and can handle harsh weather without needing to be pampered. But they won’t carry a full-grown knight all decked in plate armor.
I’m not gonna lie, fart horse sounds like a pretty good encounter. The horse trader trained him to hold it in, but once you’re out on the trail….
Clop clop clop fart clop clop clop fart clop clop clop fart.
“The noise alerts predators. Roll initiative.”
More reasons that Paladin’s Warsteeds (Found Steeds) are the best!
Them plotting murder on the other hand…
https://www.handbookofheroes.com/archives/comic/dramatic-irony
This is why my characters almost always have access to Phantom Steed or Find Steed (or Greater) Those ones you can justify doing stupid nonsense.
Really, couldn’t they just find a cart to hitch the horse to? That’s my favorite tactic: Ride cart, start casting rituals – Unseen servant, Phantom Steed, Phantom Steed, Unseen Servant drives while Caster repeats Unseen Servant and double Phantom Steed Rituals. New Unseen Servant takes over driving from old Unseen Servant, Phantom Steeds are switched out.
This allows a 200ft/round constant movement speed for the whole party, or roughly 23mph. Maps suddenly feel a lot smaller when a day’s travel is finished in an hour, and a week’s worth of travel can be finished in a day.
The tricky part is getting a cart/carriage that can survive moving on dirt roads at that speed, and that you wont stress about being stolen the moment you go into a cave or need to go on foot through a heavily forested area.