Special Snowflake
This week Ima tell the story of our group’s “Special Snowflake One-Shot.” The idea was to come up with the cheesiest possible character. As I recall, our instructions were to pretend our PCs were all invented by a high schooler shouting TEH-AWESOME! Laurel was the sadistic GM. I was a catgirl.
CAST OF CHARACTERS
- Megami Majokko Tenshi Aeris Nekomimi-chan, battle stripper extraordinaire. She was a catgirl/aasimar/geisha. And on a meta-level, I played her as “the DM’s girlfriend.” God help us all.
- Dark Shadow Nightbringer. He was a human/drow/halfing/dwarf, or hudrawfling for short. The guy was a master ranger/barbarian/rogue/fighter, and also a direct descendant of the entire Icewind Dale party. His black leopard was named Shadowdark.
- Gork Splat of the Spooge Crunchers. He was a goblin. He was that kind of goblin. ‘Nuff said.
- Archer the Bard. Dude basically played Archer from “Archer.” He was all the time shouting about ants.
- Yarr, the Beastmaster ranger. He was this beastmaster. It was a very 80’s kind of character, so the ferrets were named Yoko and Ono, the cat was named Gwar, and the eagle was named Chaka Khan.
SO IT BEGINS
We were all having strange dreams. Some remote monastery was going to unveil an enormous magical mirror, but the portents were dire indeed. We made our way to this tiny village, and upon arrival Neko-chan immediately begins dancing. It draws a crowd, which the beastmaster’s ferrets pickpocket. Archer casts Grease on the hapless catgirl, the crowd goes wild, and Dark Shadow broods in the corner. So does his cat.
After the crowd disperses, a tall, dark, and handsome BBEG named Luciano offers to help the oiled-up cat girl to her feet. Swooning may or may not have occurred.
We all bed down for the night, dire dreams come once again, and this time Luciano appears to Neko-chan and asks for a favor. She agrees, he steals her heart, she wakes up with an unsightly mark on her bosom.
Fully awake and ready to get past the setup, we all converge on the monastery’s Abbot. The mirror has been stolen in the night, there’s a reward for it’s return, blah blah blah.
“Who took it?”
“The Vampire Dragon King.”
“Where does he live?”
“In Dark Keep in the mountains.”
“What’s wrong with my poor titties?”
“Put those things away! This is a celibate order, madame!”
We have the traditional I-don’t-trust-this-guy fight, Archer casts “detect PC aura,” and we all tromp off towards the mountains.
At this point it became a fairly standard crawl, and being drunk and tired we didn’t get too far. It basically went lightning trap, lich, trapped door, five wraiths, con drain, con drain, con drain. We beat the wraiths, but poor Dark Shadow had a con score of 3 at that point. We called it there, hating ourselves and one another.
Great one-shot. Would recommend.
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Haha “So does his cat”. Wonderful.
I must admit, I still like to play around with that kind of…. snoflakeness at least a bit. Heck, just today I decided to give a tiefling character I’m going to play an feathered wing and a leather wing. Of different colors even! Of course I half did this just to see if the GM would notice and allow it. He did. Of course it’s also a game where I’m going to be the only player playing four characters who I will do my best to RP fully so………
I am trying to imagine your characters all out-snowflaking one another. I’m pretty sure that you’ll just explode, leaving nothing but a crater and a pile of melted d20s.
Think I’ll make the first comment of my archive binge here.
We’ve all had that one character. Mine was a gnoll with some obscure, charisma based divine spellcasting class. He was raised by paladins and it showed. (The main joke was that he was a miracle aged man acting like a teenage magical girl)
And, on another note, some games can make snowflakes quite fun and interesting, like CMEGE.
Welcome to the comic. Please enjoy your binge. 🙂
I very much hope that your character was referred to as “Good Dog.”
Yeah, I had a gnoll bard in 4e. It was surprisingly easy to fill my power slots with flavor-appropriate powers like Vicious Mockery and Howl of Victory. I named her Yeena, specifically so that when she met new people they’d say “Hi, Yeena”.
It’s silly, sure. But did I giggle? Like a middle schooler in health class.
I had no idea that André Norton’s The Beastmaster was ever bastardised into some ghastly b-movie, but your description of the animals is too close to Hosteen Storm’s team for it to be coincidence. I am shocked and appalled that this film was ever made, and Hosteen would be too, were he not so phlegmatic.
The people behind that abomination should still be tortured to death with an array of nasty Xik weapons and fed to Surra, though.
Also they should be meerkats, not ferrets, geez. :p
“Loosely based” on the novel The Beast Master by Andre Norton…
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Beastmaster
Don’t forget about the two sequels as well as a syndicated television series that chronicled the further adventures of Dar!
That was a “fear” smiley, but to be fair, stunned silence works too.
I’m still looking for the chance to give someone the title “Sire of the Precipice”, but I don’t know if anyone will get it…
Shit man, I certainly don’t get it.
Precipice => Edge, Sire => Lord.
I think context may be important on that one, lol.