Speed Dating
Not the couple I’d have expected for the interspecies dating comic, but I guess it goes to show. Bards have their own ways of dealing with dragons. And the question, “Where do half-dragons come from?” is one you need never ponder again.
Of course, landing a wyrm is easier said than done. If you happen to be a traveling troubadour tasked with saving the kingdom from burnination, then there are a couple of important points you need to keep in mind.
- Never ask a dragon her age category. That way lies incineration. Besides, if you can’t tell from a quick Knowledge check, does it really matter?
- Don’t move too fast. It may activate her predatory instincts.
- Take the initiative. If she goes first in combat you’re literal toast.
- Be confidant. Confidence is attractive no matter the species, but especially so when your date can smell your fear. Pick up some WIS buffs if you have to. Anything to keep from failing your save against her frightful presence. Surveys show that is the #1 turnoff across all chromatic and metallic dragons.
- Don’t do all the talking. If things go well, there will be plenty of time to sing your own praises on future dates. If you do notice some awkward lulls in conversation, try asking some questions. Remember: no dragon can resist the fascination of riddling talk.
- Pick up the bill. This one might be controversial in this day and age, but hoards remain extremely important in traditional dragon culture. Making her choose between you and her nest egg is a rookie mistake.
- Avoid the “dragon slayer” conversation. You’re not impressing anybody, and nobody wants to hear about your exes.
- Choose the location. Somewhere you’re comfortable (read: a spot where she doesn’t have access to lair actions) is preferable. If things go south, at least you won’t be dodging magma eruptions as well as breath attacks.
- Compliment her. She put a lot of work into that Charisma score, and definitely did not step out of the lair looking like the incarnation of flame and death by accident. Let her know that you noticed.
- Communication is magic. So is your actual magic, but remember: if she catches you casting charm monster that’s the end of the relationship (and very likely your life). Don’t be afraid to rely on your natural Persuasion abilities. It’s just as effective, and ultimately far safer.
That’s all the dragon dating advice from yours truly. So for today’s discussion question, what do you say we throw it open to all the other bards out there? What’s your go-to tactic for diplomatically dealing with dragons? Give us your best tips and tricks down in the comments!
ADD SOME NSFW TO YOUR FANTASY! If you’ve ever been curious about that Handbook of Erotic Fantasy banner down at the bottom of the page, then you should check out the “Quest Giver” reward level over on The Handbook of Heroes Patreon. Twice a month you’ll get to see what the Handbook cast get up to when the lights go out. Adults only, 18+ years of age, etc. etc.
Is that five different dragons being woo’d, a single adult dragon and her wyrmlings (it ain’t easy being a mother of clutch of four), or Tiamat?
That’s exactly the question I was going to ask too… five dragons, or a five-headed dragon goddess?
This reference should help: https://static.seattletimes.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/speeddating-1205-RGB-1-780×415.jpg
I thought it was a dragon orgy given that I bard is involved
That’s odd, I thought this was the Handbook of Heroes, not the, uh, other handbook. :p
Look, the terms “dragon slayer” and “dragons layer” are really easy to confuse.
https://inkbunny.net/s/2141463
“Submission blocked?” What is this link?
Oh crap, I guess that comic’s registered users only. The picture I linked to is part of a comic that someone made about that’s based on the same “lay the dragon” pun and goes on for about 14 pages
Ok. I found it on another site that’s not user-gated
https://www.deviantart.com/vavacung/art/Original-Comic-DILF-I-839197549
https://www.deviantart.com/vavacung/art/Original-Comic-DILF-II-840125097
…
https://www.deviantart.com/vavacung/art/Original-Comic-DILF-XI-847538836
https://www.deviantart.com/vavacung/art/Original-Comic-DILF-XII-848381741
https://www.deviantart.com/vavacung/art/Original-Comic-DILF-XIII-849016084
With any Dragon (and honestly people too!) one of the best ways to be diplomatic is to give a personal gift. Mere money is a trifle to a dragon, imprinted with small men and images that are not them. The back-handedness of it all! Nay, but a gift to match the dragon in question is true. There is a reason creatures that have hoards have artwork, jewelry and gems!
Higher the best artist in the land and immortalize their last act of great destruction or benevolence. This is something that has never failed! (Disclaimer! My associates and I are not responsible for if this fails.)
Sadly, Bard is not the best artist in the land:
https://www.handbookofheroes.com/archives/comic/portraiture
1) Plan around differences in scale between yourself and the target of your romance. Enlarge person and shrink monster spells can help.
2) Conversely, if the target of your romance has different forms or the ability to shapeshift, ensure that you are comfortable with all of them in advance before considering a romance, or that they may be uncomfortable or awkward staying in a non-natural form for long. They can’t stay in humanoid form forever just for your sake, and your romance won’t last if you are fearful or disgusted by their ‘true self’.
3) Plan dates in areas where civilian casualties, massive collateral, monster hunters or paladins aren’t a risk factor.
So true story? The paladin from this story…
https://www.handbookofheroes.com/archives/comic/disembodied-voice
…Is now dating the dragon.
He fell for the oldest trick in the book!
I find that feats of strength are just as good as word play, more so when you are a bard capable of both. Taking out some minor annoyance near a dragon will show her that while yes, you are quite puny and weak compared to her, you are stronger than the rabble she couldn’t be arsed to handle herself. This makes you useful to her in her eyes, which lowers the chances of her seeing you as merely an amusing snack.
Another thing I find useful when chatting up dragons is knowing a lot of languages, and not just draconic. Knowing some of the more uncommon languages like Sylvan or Primordial can really impress a dragon who usually only knows like, five, and getting to engage a dragon in a language which isn’t just common or Draconic will allow her to flex her linguistic strength, which is always a good ego booster.
And the last one I’ll admit is hard to really pin down. But basically if you can show the dragon you’re ambitious and not just trying to kiss up to her, that usually works wonders. Like you mentioned confidence is key, but there’s a difference between being able to keep your cool around a dragon and really telling her via subtle cues that you’re a man on a mission, not just some passing fancy. At the same time, related to my first bit of advice, you gotta show her that you mean business and aren’t just some gold digger.
A dragon will have no issues gathering slaves or servants, and if you just kiss up to one she’ll never really consider you anything more than at most, another possession of her cast horde. While her pride may never recognize you as her equal, if you can show her that you can soar the same skies as you, you can earn not only a moment of her affections but perhaps even a silver if her respect, which can go a long way to fostering a good relationship with a dragon.
All of these things are bits of stuff I’ve used during the few times I’ve interacted with dragons. Incidentally most of those times I was a dragon blooded sorcerer, and I made it very much a point NOT to emphasis that. I think it shows supreme insecurity and a crippling weakness if you, who carries dragon blood, tries to seek recognition by an actual dragon to validate your bloodline. You gotta own that swagger.
The one dragon blooded sorcerer of my acquaintance retired from the campaign a few levels before dragons became commonplace. Still, I’d think that his habit of sleeping on top of the party loot would impress at least some dragons.
More dragon advice!
1) Make sure your companions are playing along as proper wingmen. Nothing kills the mood like the barbarian charging with a battleaxe.
2) Dress for success. Avoid dragon hide, unless it’s made from the hide of your target’s nemesis.
3) Have some draconic features to begin with, like scales, claws, tail… being a Kobold may hamper you if you can’t prove you’re more than a joke and slave.
4) Know your colors. Different dragons have different personalities, habits, fixations and motivations. It also lets you know which type of energy damage to protect yourself from.
5) Beware of kisses. There’s a thin line between a romantic gesture and letting a dragon know how tasty and edible you are.
I often wonder about that dragon hide business and goodly dragons. I’d think it would be disconcerting to see “the good guys” parading around in the skins of your kin.
This is why you make sure your dragon scales and hides are ethically sourced from natural sheddings! That way instead of a murdering psychopath you’re just a weirdo who steals toenail clippings!
I still think that busting up an unethical dragon farm would make a fine adventure.
Wasn’t there a comic about this already? Fighter and goblin comparing their sweet goblin/human-hide gear.
https://www.handbookofheroes.com/archives/comic/spare-parts
Never try to impress a dragon with your wealth. They’re probably richer anyway, and on the off chance that they’re not they might decide to get you out of the way and take your valuables for themselves.
Be open to new experiences. “Kidnapped princess” roleplay is more common than you might think!
Every relationship has it’s ups and downs. Make sure to always have a potion of Resist Energy on hand in case of the latter.
While noone likes to think about it, it’s important to be responsible and consider what to do should the relationship end. Have a plan for a bad breakup – preferably one involving the Plane Shift spell.
It’s weird to say because we’re all imagining Smaug’s hoard when we think of dragon treasure, but adventurers are usually a shitload richer. From a game balance standpoint, can you imagine doubling the party’s wealth every time they manage to kill a dragon? That mess would get out of hand in a hurry.
I feel like there is an underlying assumption here that the dragon being wooed is NOT a level apropriate encounter.
To paraphrase Jessica Rabbit, “I like a man who can make me laugh.”
Remember that every variety of dragon has preferential tastes, very important for the fine dining.
In fact, make sure to do your research. Any dragon old enough to date (let alone woo) should have a long list of accomplishments/conquests and records of their predilections. You have to be smart, not just charismatic.
This raises the rather disconcerting question of what a dragon’s first date would look like. I’m guessing daddy dragon is considerably more intimidating than the dad-with-shotgun.
On a different note: Sorcerers are a natural consequence of bards. Just look at all the different bloodlines.
https://media1.tenor.com/images/f36e795129d68eabc7336f69e142e7db/tenor.gif?itemid=9789392
I’m imagining Bard having a quick look in the Draconomicon whenever he’s got a chance. “Dammit, I still don’t know if my usual innuendo works in translation!”
Draconic is a fiendishly difficult language. For example, there are 50 different words for “mine.” By contrast, the word for “yours” translates roughly as “not mine yet.” In consequence, when inquiring about your date’s meal, it is best to avoid phrases like, “How’s yours?” You don’t want to imply that your about to snatch away her entire-side-of-beef.
Bold of you to assume I’m only interested in female dragons.
These bullet points are translated from Common. They’re taken pretty much verbatim from Bard’s latest “Gentleman Troubadour Magazine” advice column. He knows his audience.
Also the green dragon in the foreground doesn’t look too pleased. Maybe he/she doesn’t like sharing?
Speed dating is a very hit and miss experience.
Imma be honest. Even the title didn’t clue me into the fact it was speed dating. I thought he just managed to get a harem of dragons and didn’t question it.
I’d thought he was trying to romance a five-headed dragon (some kind of avatar of Tiamat, maybe?)
doing diplomacy with dragons hasn’t come up yet.
It might come up in my sandbox if the players are curious enough.
I myself have played a Dragon Disciple (unfortunetely in Pathfinder they don’t get to be Half-Dragons anymore)
The backstory to that was the dragon producing offspring with Orcs (and cursing the offspring, to turn generation n into Orcslayers) to sort of piss in the gene pool of the orcs.
Sounds like an orc really screwed up their diplomacy with dragons roll at some point. :/
yeah, I‘d put it on a level of stealing an egg.
Ironically despite being in the name of the game, I haven’t had too many actual encounters with Dragons for some reason.
The thing aboot male-dragons is that A. Their junk is proportionate to their body, (Regardless of what you’ve been told, past a certain size is just painful for the recepient) and B. as reptiles they have what’s known as “Hemipenes”, so you’re getting twice what you bargained for.
Even my Bard who due to his rock and roll lifestyle and dumped Wisdom would schtupp most anything, knew not to schtupp dragons. He encountered two: An Adult White that was actively trying to murder him, (Whites are basically a step above animals anyway, so he wouldn’t even if they were receptive) and an Ancient Blue who was the BBEG of the campaign. He dealt with her via a combination of a Forcecage and the Cleric’s Blade Barrier locking her in a blender.
Our group used reverse gravity + blade barrier. It’s less effective, but much funnier.
I give all the dragons under my control Antimagic Field if they are old enough to cast it, or at least Dispel Magic.
https://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0627.html
I appreciate OOtS references as much as the next fellow but 5E Dragons only have natural spellcasting up to 1/3rd of their CR. (Always round down) Ancient Blue is CR23, so that caps her at 7th. Teleport was Counterspell‘d, and Dispel Magic explicitly doesn’t work on Forcecage (Because objects made of solid magic somehow resist the thing that shuts down magic. That makes perfect sense! /s)
Perhaps if she had Wizard levels, but the DM was running her out of Storm King’s Thunder albeit we were overlevelled and didn’t have the NPC Storm Giant allies.
what about the Blade Barrier? that‘s dispell resistant as well?
No. It was dispelled. Unfortunately that didn’t stop the other cheese.
The DM knew I had a tendency to Captain Kirk my way out of whatever he threw at me, so the beyond-deadly encounter (5 L13s vs a CR 23) was a final challenge for that. I had specifically avoided casting Forcecage up until that point so he wouldn’t be ready for it.
Also, Dragons are inherently greedy creatures. (Even the good ones) I don’t think they’d be willing to share Lore Bard as in the above comic. It’s going to end poorly for him.
Dragon speed dating is a fraught experience for all parties.
The key to being persuasive AF is to take a few levels of Rogue (first), max out that Charisma, and Expertise in Persuasion AND Deception (and possibly even some intimidation), because if the persuading doesn’t work, you might need to lie your way out. Why rogue you might ask? Well that reliable talent is a damn reliable talent… Rolled a 1 on that check? Fortunately there are no critical failures and only a nat 1 is an auto miss when attacking, so reliably, with a nice high expertise, you can minimize the skill to 20+ even on the lowest of rolls. She’ll be like putty in your silver tongue.
And here I thought it was glibness:
https://www.d20srd.org/srd/spells/glibness.htm
Chanel #5 is my mom’s favorite perfume. I remember watching her get ready to go out with dad and the smell would fill the room. This was back in the early 60’s, so going out was still a big to-do. All dressed to the nines, smelling like heaven and being a little girls dream.
Charnel #5 smells slightly different.
My campaign is, funnily enough, coming at this from the opposite direction. One of my players is playing a kobold, who likes to insist that she is just a very tiny dragon, and is determined to seduce the very handsome captain of the town guard. She has yet to succeed.
May I suggest a certain barber of my acquaintance?
https://www.handbookofheroes.com/archives/comic/anthropocentric
Hi Colin, how are you doing? 😀
Doin’ good Schattensturm. Doin’ good.
Step 1: Are there other dragons who are known to pass by this location.
Step 2: Collect a scale or other signifying marker from/of that dragon.
Step 3: Take the time to plan your approach. They must plan to be out of their lair for a significant period of time.
Step 5: Steal as much of their hoard as possible when they’re not around. Nondetection or other scry-blocking spells (or just a box with a thin interior lead layer) are ideal for this step.
Step 6: Leave behind the other dragon’s scale or marker.
Step 7: Wait until they return to their lair.
Step 8: Begin advertising yourself as an adventurer who seeks revenge against the other dragon for some reason.
Step 9: Slay/help slay other dragon.
Step 10: Ask for only the tiniest of percents of the slain dragon’s hoard and ask part of your reward is their friendship.
Step 11: I dunno, however “normal” relationships work? Research shows this is the hardest step.
“You’ll owe me a favor?” I do like the idea of mafia PCs with dragon support.
funnily enough one of my most successful encounters with a dragon included my characters arm nearly being bitten off.
In 5th edition a Philter of Love has no save as long as the one drinking it finds you even remotely attractive, in the beginning I had no intention of seducing said dragon, merely sneaking off with a chunk of their horde. the attempt to sneak up on the dragon was met with utter failure and with one breath attack we were in hot water, thinking quick I scrounged through my inventory trying to see what options we had, as luck would have it I remembered my philter.
The look on my DM’s face when asked if I could choose to have an attack hit my hand was great, one bite attack and 25 damage later the dragon had swallowed the love philter. With an exaggerated sigh my DM read the items description to the rest of the party. after some roleplaying with the infatuated dragon we managed to convince them to grow their horde by becoming an adventurer, as well as to continue the romance under less philter modified occasion.
And that folks is how my party gained a dragon member and my character got a girlfriend.
Found a pic of your character: https://i.ytimg.com/vi/NM_3y0yaykk/maxresdefault.jpg
I do like that starting in 4E and continuing into 5E there’s non-sexual origins for most every supernatural hybrid. (HOrcs and HElves are still made the old-fashioned way) Aasimar? You’re a special birth marked by angels for greatness.
Tiefling? One of your ancestors made a pact with a fiend, and the tainted lineage chose to manifest this generation for some reason.
Genasi? While in-utero you were exposed to elemental energies.
That said; I still default to “Sexually adventurous grandparent” as the origin for Sorcerers, but I’m the guy who doesn’t think Sorcerer warrants a class. (That’s Warlord‘s spot in the PHB damn it!)
I always thought that sorcerer powers are a bit like barbarian rage. You an just reflavor them however you like.
Speaking of Sorcerers, considering how many layers of xenophilia produced Wild Magic Sorcerer, I’m surprised it’s not him in this comic.
On my stack of characters I’ll never play is a “Hapsburg Sorcerer” whose family was determined to maintain their magical bloodline by any means necessary. If I ever roll a character with really bad stats in everything but one stat, that’ll be “Happy Bergman”.
Well, yesterday this group I’m in decided to run a game for low-level characters. Basically it was a scavenger hunt and one of the items was a red dragon scale. The wizard running the hunt has a room full of portals to individual demiplanes where he’s imprisoned various dragons. We were told that the dragon in question wouldn’t attack and kill visitors since her life depended on the wizard’s good will. But we misunderstood a couple of hints and left the protected cave that the portal opened in. Long story short, I am now a prisoner of the dragon, my companions are also being brought to the prison, and the quest had to be re-written from a harmless scavenger hunt to stopping a conspiracy to free the evil dragon while also saving a tribe of kobolds from starvation. Because if the dragon escapes, the portal collapses and the demiplane’s sun goes out and everything inside freezes or starves.
Well then. Good luck with the sweet talkin’.
Hopefully it won’t have to be me that does the sweet talking. I have a flat 10 in Cha so no social skills. The GM is busy today, so we’ll see what happens tomorrow. I just hope I get out of this alive. I’m only level 3.
Played a game once as a druid and the GM had some special rules for wild shape. You had to spend time intimately studying the animal/magical beast in question and it took longer for higher HD creatures. The campaign had the PC’s in the military of the nation and they had dragons in the air force. Got in good enough to hang with one of the dragons to try and learn to wild shape into one.
Of course that meant over a year in game of being close to this silver dragon and it wasn’t hard to foster a deeper relationship. A lot easier to make half dragons when technically both parties can be a dragon. I almost got to play the half-dragon offspring in another campaign too but it ended up never getting off the ground.
Scared me when I read “special rules for wild shape.” Given the context of today’s comic, that could have been far more “bad dragon.”
The plan is now to feed a bear psychotropic flowers, then slather it with more nectar from those flowers before feeding it to the dragon. That will hopefully make the dragon so loopy that it won’t notice the entire tribe of kobolds walking to the portal and leaving.
If highly magical creatures get stoned, do their hallucinations begin to manifest in the real world?
So glad my GM isn’t here to get ideas from that.
We lived!
lol. grats
Weirdly, the Bard never had any intimate dragon encounters. That was all the 673 year old Arcane Trickster Cleric Anthropologist. Theoretically that may have resulted in the only direct descendant still alive. When I brought up the sexual nature of her 670 years of past exploits, the DM informed me that in his world, crossbreeding could happen with any racial combination, not just humans/elf/orc/dragon.
I think his goal was to get me to tone down her exploits by putting the threat of pregnancy on the table, but instead I went back and calculated average maturity rates and lifespans of different races, assumed that every race combo created offspring with an average of the two parents, and quickly realized that since she never slept with any elves, she was essentially doomed to outlive every one of her children and grandchildren and so on. The only ones she had kept any sort of eye on where the Orc tribe she joined for the only lover she ever married; the tribe chieftain. However Orcs are rather short lived, and even the offspring with her blood still didn’t last very long.
Dragons were basically her last shot before retiring, essentially with the deliberate goal to have SOME sort of progeny that would hopefully outlive her, as the process of watching her orc children die before her had taken a toll.