Villain Banter
I’m seeing a pattern with Wizard. Between “Claiming the Throne” and today’s hostage situation, I’m getting the impression that she’s a touch picky about her drama. I, on the other hand, am a little less discerning. That’s because villains have limited opportunities to get their villainy in.
Sure you can see the effects of a BBEG’s influence. They might burn down princesses or kidnap kingdoms, and then your band of merry murderhobos get to go and deal with it. But when it comes to face-to-face villain interaction, the clock is always ticking. And that’s because of the aforementioned band of merry murderhobos.
When you finally meet your villain, the first impulse is to make with the murders. I’ve always got The Gamers in the back of my head in this situation, along with the sad fate of the Bandit King. Dude tries, but he only gets a few words in before there’s an arrow in his neck. In my mind, the lesson for GMs is clear. When you’re running a villain, and especially when the party is meeting them for the first time, you’ve got to convey their personality with maximum efficiency. And that means coming up with a suitably pithy set of one-liners.
Illithid: “Your small, primitive brains cannot comprehend our great purpose. They will be tasty though.”
Shambling Mound Gangster: “Sure I’ve heard of you. I’ve got my tendrils running through every part of this lousy town.”
Zombie: “Garaaaggh-ugg!”
Once you’ve got that opening gambit set up, it’s important to keep the punches coming. That’s because role-playing doesn’t stop during combat. An ongoing stream of taunts, pompous pontificating, and threats to loved once can transform the standard hack-and-slash into a satisfying social occasion.
Beholder, after successful melee attack: “I’ve got my eyes on you.”
Death Cultist, summoning undead minions: “Time for a little meet ‘n greet with the staff. I always like to introduce new recruits to their future coworkers.”
Dragon, defending lair: “I take great pride in my hoard, so I must ask: is your armor +1 or +2? I’ll need to file it properly once you’re dead.”
These quips don’t even have to be that good. Their purpose is just to remind your players that they’re fighting more than a stat block. You’re shooting for flavor with mid-combat banter, and it’s important to acknowledge the PCs when you do it. Reference their appearance, their immediate danger, or some element of their backstory. Anything to place them in the presence of a specific villain rather than a generic monster.
All of this brings us to our question of the day! What is the single best one-liner you’ve ever heard a villain use? And if you don’t have any, imagine an encounter with the current BBEG of your campaign. What is the one thing they could they say to piss off your character? Let’s hear that sweet villain banter down in the comments!
GET YOUR SCHWAG ON! Want a piece of Handbook-World to hang on you wall? Then you’ll want to check out the “Hero” reward tier on The Handbook of Heroes Patreon. Each monthly treasure hall will bring you prints, decals, buttons, bookmarks and more! There’s even talk of a few Handbook-themed mini-dungeons on the horizon. So hit the link, open up that treasure chest, and see what loot awaits!
It’s sometimes awkward to admit that you’ve been learning some roleplay from video games, but relevant here: I’ve been playing a lot of Fire Emblem: Three Houses lately, and it’s really gotten me into the habit of tossing out little bits of banter after every swing. And once I started, I noticed that the rest of the group started picking it up too.
This group is honestly still pretty new to roleplay in combat. I’d done it occasionally before as DM, but the players mostly limited their fighting to announcing the numbers they got to hit and damage. We don’t have a long history of awesome one-liners for me to list the best of the best of, is what I’m saying.
My favorite villain line, though? Well, the time they fought an insane assassin clown probably provided most of my top ten to be honest. When the first PC finally gave into anger at her whimsically torturing an allied NPC while conversing with a hand puppet, and turned the conversation into a roll for initiative, she cheered and genuinely applauded him for being the first to give in and try to kill her. Throughout the fight, she constantly congratulated them whenever they hit her, gleefully encouraging them to kill her, and offered sincere condolences whenever they missed, or she managed to stab one of them.
They were so uncomfortable (in character, I mean, not out of character), and I loved it!
heh. Sincere condolences for missing sounds like a hoot. Nothing quite like tweaking your players’ noses. That makes the killing blow so much more satisfying!
I do have difficulty in doing just about anything other than rolling attacks when Doing in combat. I’m quite tactical as a player, however when DMing my mind’s so preoccupied I don’t even know to go after the wizard not the fighter, let alone hold a conversation. However, occasionally I do remember. However, when I do remember to role-play during combat, I remember to, and so do the players; this means that the battles are either silent, or conversations. A lack of one-liners then ensues.
I hear ya. “Something you could reasonably say in six seconds” can be a weird target to hit.
My response to, “They’ve been talking for over six seconds”, is that their talk is carrying over into the next round/s. While overthinking this could lead to some players going, “Wait… we killed him in round three, but that speech was five rounds long!”, I don’t think I know anyone pedantic enough to measure out the length of the villain’s speech, compare that to the length of the battle, then want a retcon over something non-mechanical. As long as I keep that villainous words below a full-blown speech, then it’s trivial enough to not be immersion-breaking.
I usually go with a hard 30-second rule before it counts as a round. Talking, as they say, is a free action. Monologuing is not.
I’ll refer you back to this one: https://www.handbookofheroes.com/archives/comic/villainous-monologue
I do sometimes use what could be called one-liners, save for the fact that they’re usually two or three sentences. One-liners are good for heroes responding with their own quips, and feeling like action heroes, while also showing the villains emotions to the party. However, I feel like while one-liners may show the emotions, two or three sentences are required to convey emotions. So when it comes to villainous quips, I prefer slightly longer tirades that allow the villain to truly give the desired emotions to the hero, rather than the feeling of an action hero (the descriptions of combat, on the other hand, will most certainly give that hero feel)
I feel like you’re onto something, but help me out here. Have you got any examples to illustrate the difference?
BBEG is surprisingly savvy to assume Wizard loved Thief enough for a hostage gambit to work. Especially with that recent gender change making it less ‘straightforward’. How long was he (or she, or it? Hard to tell with liches) scrying on their relationship?
A crystal ball can pick up he best soap operas if you know where to look.
I wonder who does the dubbing for ‘Te Quiero Thief’?
Well then. Off to my “script ideas” page.
I don’t know of any great villain one-liners, sadly, but one of my favorite player one liners comes from the first arc of the first campaign of The Adventure Zone: after killing the boss with a powerful Magic Missile, Justin/Taako shouts “ABRACA-FUCK YOOOOOOUUUUUU!” and it’s still my favorite verbal component to a spell to this day.
But… but… Same freakin’ episode:
“Magic Brian: Oh nooo! The mystery is solved! You‘ve solved my final
riddle! [getting quieter, as if more distant] You are the new riddle masterrr…”
From the Dragon Friends podcast, I present to you:
‘Don’t shoot, I’m an investor!’
‘I cast invisibilty on the flesh golem.’
That first one is solid, but ima need some context for the second one.
Second one is from one of the recent episodes – Season 5, episode 13, ‘Roll to Acqueisce’. Tom Walker and Guy Montgomery join in for three episodes with… Very interesting characters. And then they have one of the funniest battles ever. Is absolutely stellar.
Just… Listen to the episode. And the following two ones. Tom Walker is a comedic treasure.
https://thedragonfriends.com/episode/season-five-episode-thirteen/
Another good one from Tom Walker’s short (by his own design) run in the Dragon Friends:
Table: “Wait… USE ME.”
As a player I’ve yet to encounter any good villain one-liners. I provided most of the quips. My favorites will always be… (Read in a cartoon New York accent, as all Dwarves have New York accents and any Scottish Dwarves are wrong) “How does it feel; to know that you brought all of this upon yourself? How does it feel; to be stupid!?” “Your first mistake was thinking you’d live long enough to make your second.” “See reason, or see stars.”
As a DM I’ve only done one quippy BBEG so far. “This is where you belong; at the bottom, beneath my heel.”
You play mostly in adventure leagues, right? Good on ya for injecting some flavor into the proceedings.
Organized play, not Adventurer’s league. One is super-railroady run by WotC, the other is just “Hey, we have a store for geeky stuff, come by and play games since your friends are impossible to schedule, and can’t commit to shit.”
“They might burn down princesses or kidnap kingdoms”? Colin have you been in some party with this guy: https://i.imgur.com/tSEdfqz.jpg ?
As for the one-liners we, the DM and me, use that for revelations and plot-twist. Like one of them: “Good to see you again, father”. The comedic, taunting and boasting one-liners are something that for us lo too much like something from an action movie of Hollywood. If even Wizard thinks of Hans Gruber you know what i am thinking about. You can say that with a straight face without thinking, or doing the voice, of Schwarzenegger in Die Hard 3. For us while entertaining is something too much out of place in most games to enjoy 🙁
Nah. It was these bad hombres: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MCC_i_PyEog&t=0m24s
You know is by movies like that one that i thanks not to being Mexican. Not that down here is it much better, but still is it not that bad 🙂
That recurring flameskull in my campaign has been good for one-liners.
“We meet again, trespassers. Allow me to introduce my new allies — they usually prefer their meat raw, but I’m sure they’ll consider trying yours roasted.” cue charging ghouls
There’s also a dragon that got away from them that one time. I’m looking forward to when he shows up again since dragons are also great for one-liners — just get yourself in the mindset of something that is made of thundering arrogance and is convinced it is the hottest thing since sliced fire elemental and then go ham with it.
Nice.
“You may now kiss the groom.”
“Blood and souls for my lord Pazuzu!
“Sorry.” (Right before taking a power word kill meant for the cleric.)
“You idiot.” (Cleric bringing the sorcerer back.)
“I do this to save my son’s soul.” with the reply of “We know.” from the party.
Unwilling undead mumbling in foreign tongue to one pc. Pc responds “You’ll see the sun soon.” brings down blade.
About the last one, have you read this?:
https://www.handbookofheroes.com/archives/comic/tolerance
I like to imagine that these were all in the same encounter.
Honestly, as someone dependent on slots, a focus, and a spellbook, unspecified-school-Wizard seems much more likely to get captured than Thief Rogue.
My favorite part of this is the alt text, particularly the bit about “Fighter being fighter”
😀
FOOLISH FOOOOOLS
There’s nothing quite like getting to bellow out to your players what FOOOLS they are. Definitely still my favorite standard badguy line even though its overplayed.
Aku? Is that you?
When the players finally deal lethal damage to the highly defensive boss:
“No… you can’t do this to me. [staggers to his feet] My subjects… my friends… they still need me… I can’t die yet.”
[Collapses to his hands and knees, blood pouring from wounds and mouth]
“You’ve murdered me….”
[Boss music changes, his eyes turn into black and white orbs of fire]
“HOW DARE YOU!”
Cue stage 2.
(He’s the human incarnation of Pride, and does not take kindly to knowledge of his own impending doom. I’m planning to use The Emperor’s New Clothes as the song, because it’s just perfect, transition and all.)
*The Emperor’s New Clothes, by Panic! At the Disco.
That emphasis on “dare” is the selling point. Well bloody done!
Is this something you’ve already done, or that you plan to do?
I intend to remind the players that they are just a bunch of fragile monkeys.
http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0627.html
Mood: https://vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/dragonball/images/4/4c/FriezaAfterSpiritBomb.png/revision/latest?cb=20091217180616
I feel like we’re all glossing over the Undead Hans Gruber bit, ’cause that seems like it’d be pretty awesome.
…or would that be akin to double-booking Wicked Uncle…?
https://www.handbookofheroes.com/archives/comic/claiming-the-throne-part-2-5-grimdark
Heh. He does have “double-undeath” on that wheel.
“Double-undeath” reminds me of a taunt line I came up with thanks to the events of the Hell’s Rebels AP.
“I’m going to kill you. Then I’m going to walk down to Hell and KILL YOU A SECOND TIME!”
Actually, Wizard has a wand hidden behind her back ready to go for when she tosses the staff aside. She just doesn’t want to admit it.
Is there a fantasy equivalent for seasonal packing tape?
https://msufilmandarchitecture.files.wordpress.com/2015/09/pdvd_121.png
Long-time HoH reader and fan (and Chorus of the Neverborn too), finally registered. I’m so glad you wrote about doing villian quips on actions – it’s one of my favorite narrative strategies! But I never realized exactly why until you went over it!
Cheers, Dark! Glad to have you on board. 🙂
For real though, I’ve seen so many combats break down into games of Descent once the dice come out. Any time we can move away from that and inject some character into the monster stabbing, I’m a happy camper.
I’ve only been following this comic through the reddit posts, but damn, how did i not notice for a whole year that Wizard transitioned?
Always great to see trans rep, especially Wizard, who’s always been my fave of the long time cast.
As for the question (Trials: Crumbling Crowns players beware of spoiler):
One of the player’s mother is a queen who wants to become the evil patron god of her species and queendom, and i’ve been having the idea of a reveal where a villain in the know hints at this by saying to the character:
“You follow heaven’s spy, but the angel did not bring you into being, or protect, provide for, and rule you and your people, you are merely business partners, as are we. Who then, Ennata, is truly your god?“
Elven androgyny will creep up on ya like that! All the way from Comic #8: https://www.handbookofheroes.com/archives/comic/woodelf
Cheers! Everybody has a place in fantasy. 🙂
Sounds like you’re playing with that William Makepeace Thackeray quote: “Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children.” Suitably creepy!