In Elysium, where dwell the righteous dead, there was a pup. He was a good boy. So were his packmates. They were all good boys; good girls; good dogs (yes they were!). And their bowls were always full, and there were scritches for any in need.
There in Elysium the days were full of play. There was good roughhousing to be had, with plenty of tug of war, and chase-me, and smite-the-forces-of-darkness. That last was the best game, because the pup and his friends always won. Some slither-thing would creep across the borderlands, and then someone would howl. All the good dogs would take up the call, and one would be lucky enough to get there first. Then there would be biting. Biting was fun, because of course it was. The pup’s mouth would light up white hot when there was biting. His teeth would burn bright, and it would taste like warm sunlight and feel like happy memories of his Person.
That was the only sad part about Elysium. His Person was not there. The pup did not know why.
There was steak every day. Or bacon. Or both. Each good dog had their own stream to drink from, and the water was so good and clear that a dog could look in and see anything they wished. But no dog ever wished to see anything but their Person.
What are you doing? the pup wanted to know. Do you miss me too? Do you have friends to play with and make you smile? Is there another good dog to watch over you and make sure you are safe?
And so the nights passed for the pup: in watching and in loving his Person with all his heart.
And so the days passed: in running and laughing as only dogs can laugh, there beneath a clear blue sky.
And then one twilight, the voice of the pup’s Person was there upon the wind. The pup did not know what the noises meant. Not exactly. There was no spell for that. But his Person was clear, and so was his need.
“Come here, boy. Come here, Patches.”
And so the pup went.
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Best steed.
Goodest steed.
So noble. Much bork. Very doge.
So. I was right about a diring riding dog suiting Vengeance better.
I had not expected it to be Patches the Unkicked.
But I am very happy that it is. :’)
So very happy.
Good boy, Patches!
Good dog.
That is a big good boy… the saddle is going to cost a lot, nevermind a regular saddle will make vengeance spread like what avarage feminist claims men have when sitting down normally.
Well hey, when the spell text says “you summon a spirit that assumes the form of an unusually intelligent, strong, and loyal steed,” there was only one spirit for the job.
Dang it. Wasn’t ready for that first thing in the morning! Good Boy Patches!
Handbook of Heroes! Better than a cup of coffee!
I’m not crying about the text. You’re crying about the text!
I am not ashamed to confirm this.
I did have to blink away a tear. But it was a happy one.
I may have shed a tear or two myself while writing it.
Awwww
Now that’s a good dog 🙂
I like to imagine you saying this like the old “that a spicy meatball” commercial.
Absolutely!
Time for Bloodflake to very quickly review the vampire rejuvenation rules.
She better figure out if she can turn to mist REAL fast.
“Patches……FETCH!”
I cannot wait to see the saddle.
I’d have though there was sufficient floof to hang on.
Celestial dire corgi, the floofiest of floofs.
Time to quest for a Saddle of the Cavalier*: it protects the mount, making them harder to hit and eliminates sneak attacks. Nobody should sneak attack a floof with anything besides chewies.
* would Vengeance be a Chienier? Chevaliers ride chevals (horses) and chien is dog….
Cavalier comes from the Latin caballarius, itself from caballus ‘horse’. The parallel term for dogs (canis) is canarius, forming… canary.
Hence the Canary Islands – home to mastiffs
If my dogs are anything to go by, he will not enjoy wearing clothes, lol.
PATCHES! THE GOODEST BOY HAS RETURNED IN OUR HOUR OF NEED!
Bark indeed. I’m so happy he got to be with his Person again.
So is Vengeance.
Dogs always have the right idea:
‘if you can’t eat it, screw it, or play with it, piss on it and walk on”
Track it across the carpet!
after rolling in it, then jump up on the couch
About time she got some comeuppance. Sure, she was selfish and a bit manic before turning, but now she’s become the dreaded Total Bitch ™.
Can’t wait to see Patches playing with Snuggles
Big dog / little dog dynamic? Maybe she can be a hood ornament for the double-bork action?
Patches is back?!? Awesome. All is right with the universe again. 😀
His death was too sad. I couldn’t let it stand.
Looks like Snowflake will get to compare her base speed to that of … [u][b]PATCHES THE UNKICKED!!![/b][/u]
I meant to say PATCHES THE UNKICKED!!!
HECK YEAH!
The best dog. T-T
I love him to death and back again.
Huh, this rerun of Jurassic Bark had a weird ending to it.
What can I say? I love a happy ending.
So Claire, did you ever expect six years ago (six! years! ago!) that when you introduced a literally puppy-not-kickingly evil Anti-Paladin you’d ever get to this triumphant tear-jerking story-arc conclusion?
Would you believe me if I told you it was all meticulously planned out?
No.
Maybe.
Yes… /buuuuuuuut/, as a seat-of-the-pantser myself, I’d always be suspecting it was a purely organic Character growth/arc that just beautifully came together and you’re just trying to keep the illusion of “masterful planner” alive. I too know and employ those tricks…
Now the hard part. Introducing the Unkicked to the Undrowned. Hopefully they get along with each other.
Okay but who let in these onion cutting ninjas in my room?!
“Hound Archon”
“There in Elysium the days were full of play”
*Nerdy twitch* Archons are from Mt. Celestia, Elysium is the Neutral Good plane, Celestia is the LG plane.
I’m pretty sure Mt. Celestia is in Equestria.
“Hound Archon” is just the title of the strip, though. Patches is not a Hound Archon, but a celestial riding dog summoned as a Paladin’s mount. Actual hound archons are a different thing entirely, plus they are dog-headed humanoid.
No, I’m pretty sure you mean the Dome of Creation is the good aligned afterlife? Or Heaven is the Lawful Good plane, and Elysium is a Chaotic Good plane?
Also, clearly Patches is a Foo Dog. Don’t you read the attached statblock?
I just finished my new reader archive binge here, today. I could almost just stop here and consider the whole series satisfactorily resolved!
(JK, I’ll be back tomorrow for the regular reader slow-train)
My only regret is that I didn’t save return-of-Patches for the culmination of some major arc.
Glad you’ve enjoyed the binge thus far. Happy to have you with us. 🙂
Vote for this version of patches to be named “Patches the Unkickable”
Custom mount: cannot be spurred.
Always love your comic. Only two have made me cry. The one in which Patches dies heroically, and this one.
Jurassic bark scarred me as a child. Happy to pay it forward. :’)