While Gunslinger is busy Kermit Arms-ing his was into the middle distance, we thought you might enjoy a break from the usual pseudo-intellectual shop talk. In its place, the Anti-Party have agreed to release a partial transcript from their selection committee’s final meeting. If only all such group selection processes were so transparent!

Sorcerer: What are our feelings on candidate A?

Barbarian: Let’s start with the pros. With Paladin MIA, we’re gonna need a replacement diplomancer. Assassin obviously has proficiency in face skills.

Oracle: You mean he tricked you into drinking poison. Or were we not doing cons yet?

Barbarian: I saved, didn’t I? Besides, it just shows that he’s got balls. I like balls.

Oracle/Sorcerer: [sniggering]

Sorcerer: Moving on to candidate I. I’ll just throw this out there, but it would be nice to save spell slots on fly. 

Oracle: Is he one of those hypoallergenic aarakocra though?  I get hives.

Sorcerer: Didn’t occur to me to ask. If we’re talking merit though, I’ll be honest. It wasn’t the strongest interview.

Oracle: You said he showed up drunk and spewing non sequiturs. That’s unacceptable. Plus Barbie is already covering that niche.

Barbarian: I got chicks stealing my gimmick left and right already. If this guy asks to share my Vice (ale), we’re going to talk about sharing his wishbone.

Sorcerer: That brings us to Candidate P.

Oracle: Guy was a bit stiff.

Sorcerer: True. But speaking as a magic user, I would remind you of the advantages of a colleague that counts as an object. For example, they are immune to domination effects. Plus they can ride in the portable hole without fear of asphyxiation.

Oracle: Pretty sure I don’t have to heal him either.

Barbarian: Look, I’m here for it if we want Psychic on the team. But one of you spell jockeys is gonna have to study up on the psychic magic rules if—

Oracle/Sorcerer: Blackballed.

[Awkward silence.]

Sorcerer: Which leaves us with Candidate G.

Oracle: You mean the no-show? Real unprofessional, I got to say.

Barbarian: Too bad though. I talked to Gunslinger in the lobby. He gave me an updated copy of his build. There were hand-drawn illustrations, color-coded backstory notes, a gunpowder-scented cover letter… The kid seemed eager to be a part of the team. Here’s a guy who’s bright, young, full of energy and ranged touch attacks. If he’s unreliable though, maybe it’s a red flag?

Sorcerer: I supposed we could reschedule his interview. Honestly though, if the kid is a flake I can’t see him ever getting a spot in a party.

Barbarian: Sounds like we’re decided then. Investigator is struggling with a serious substance abuse backstory. Psychic is double blackballed (and also dead). Gunslinger is out of the applicant pool. Any last thoughts before we give Assassin the good news?

Oracle: Heh. Just occurred to me… I bet Assassin could have got that door open.

[Committee members pause to drink deeply and stare into space. Inarticulate whimpering sounds from all.]

Well there you have it, folks! The Anti-Party’s hiring process. Seems reasonable enough to me. How about the rest of you guys though? When it comes time to fill the ranks of your party, how do you decide which friends, coworkers, and randos from the internet get the nod? Are there any red flags that you’ve learned to look out for? Tell us all about your own selection committee process down in the comments!


THIS COMIC SUCKS! IT NEEDS MORE [INSERT OPINION HERE] Is your favorite class missing from the Handbook of Heroes? Maybe you want to see more dragonborn or aarakocra? Then check out the “Quest Giver” reward level over on the The Handbook of Heroes Patreon. You’ll become part of the monthly vote to see which elements get featured in the comic next!