Puns Suck
It’s been a hot minute since our “In Your End-O!” comic. Now as then it remains incontrovertible fact: It is scientifically impossible for gamers to resist a pun-off.
I mean, if this mess happens at the table it’s liable to drive you batty. Especially if you’ve got a stake in your game’s tone, dealing with this kind of disruption can bite. And in the same vein, it’s a big fat no fang you if your GM works a pun into into play. The bastards will just there grinning, repeating the gag every so coffin until somebody notices. Trust me when I say it’s a pain in the neck, and one that I’ve dealt with countless time.
Of course, there’s a reason that we’ve resurrected the vampire twins for this particular gag. Punning is a form of humor that brings laughter to the jokester rather than the audience. Hearing a pun just puts you in Bard’s shoes. You find yourself frowning, groaning, and wishing to be anywhere else. In other words, you become a humor vampire when you pun. It’s a parasitic activity that sucks joy from other people and transfers it to yourself.
Therefore, I’d like to thank you all for reading this far. You’ve collectively contributed to my spirit bomb. It’s very nearly ready to blow up the moon or whatever. I mean, you could foil my dastardly plans if you were able to suck back all that energy with puns of your own. So ya know… pulses and minuses. But I’m not worried. I’d have to be inundated with a barrage of truly awful wordplay to come out net negative here. And I don’t think you’ve got it in ya. :3
SWORDS: CUT THE DECK: Who dual-wields thumbs and has an affiliate link to share? We do! Swords: Cut the Deck is a tabletop role-playing card game based on the award-winning webcomic, SWORDS. In this game, strange heroes use even stranger weapons in epic skirmishes. Who will prove their skill with the blade? Who will be dead? And who’s hyped for the Handbook of Heroes guest card? Hit our affiliate link and back the project! Get us a cut of that sweet, sweet Kickstarter money!
ARE YOU AN IMPATIENT GAMER? If so, you should check out the “Henchman” reward level over on The Handbook of Heroes Patreon. For just one buck a month, you can get each and every Handbook of Heroes comic a day earlier than the rest of your party members. That’s bragging rights right there!
Hey, are those the suntan lotion vampires? They actually managed to survive squaring off with the Anti-Party?
Annnd yes, they are, and once again I replied before reading the rant. sigh
Well, it’s interesting to see them again, and not in swimwear this time.
I liked the B negative joke.
My rants are required reading. They will be on the quiz later.
Let me just give you a quizzical look. 😉
That’s In-quiz-itor’s job. 😀
No in-quiz-it-and-or-buts about it, I assume? :p
Precisely. And if you manage to conquer them, then you will be a con-quiz-tador!
Let’s hope I won’t have to deal with quiz-lings. 😉
The worst puns are when your otherwise reasonable named NPCs turn out to have names that sound much dumber out loud. Even worse when introduced back-to-back as i found out with Halfast (Half-assed) and Bofur (Bofa).
*sigh*
“I don’t get it,” she said for the sake of the gag. “What is ‘Bofa?'”
I finally got around to running the PF2e Beginner Box for my table.
One player played Valeros (the Fighter) as a dude with a Russian accent vaguely reminiscent of Zangief, providing a bar of soap he didn’t need for our wizard to cast Light on.
Later, around the time the bar was tossed back down a ledge so people could climb down, he had only this to say about his choice:
“This way, we make clean getaway.”
And with that, my decision to have the party try the PF2e Beginner Box was completely vindicated.
…in other news, I need to figure out how to make sure I comment at the right spot. Meant that one for a separate comment, not a continuation of this chain.
Tsk tsk. Putting your ledge soap in the wrong place: It’s a slippery slope. 😀
https://i.redd.it/z3xifdgtyv6a1.png
Now that’s a comic you can really sink your teeth into! Although, you have to be careful; too heavy on the puns can sometimes dhampir the overall effect. In the right dosage however, it can be A+ result.
I bet you did a merry little cape-er after you wrote that.
Can neither confirm nor deny. Of course, a pun made within a defined set of boundaries always paleskin comparison to those made in a true sandbox. It’s the thought that Counts though
Gamer Night is irregularly starting with
„Welcome to another night of horrible words plays!“
I mean… That’s what we do in this hobby, ins’t it? Play with words?
(I’m so deep.)
We don’t tend to do rapid-fire punning like that in my group… more like a fireball tossed into a room. Someone will see a setup, and the result will be a chorus of rolled eyes and appalled groans, and perhaps a “you did *not* just say that!”. And the punster will likely get Inspiration for the session, because those do make for memorable moments.
I’ma need an example.
Woo, returning characters! I was very much not expecting these guys to return, but I’m strangely glad they did.
I haven’t had any major puns with my last group, but my upcoming GM did veto my quick-talking ninja’s name of Iga Yun, Con Artist. I’d be delighted if it wasn’t for the fact that I’m pretty sure they missed the joke entirely and just thought one of my non-pun suggestions sounded better…
Now I just need to figure out their relationship to Miss Gestalt and Van Helscion.
Also, I’m afraid I don’t get Iga Yun either. 🙁
They’re probably small fry that neither of them can devote the time and effort to grill, hence why the Anti-Party was dealing with them. Clearly, they’re a back-burner problem.
Iga is a bright, ambitious smooth talker. He’s an eager, young con artist.
Ressurected? When were the vampire twins killed off?
I just double-checked… I think they made it into three HoEF comics, but this is only their second appearance in the main Handbook. (Of course, it’s possible I missed one.)
But where’s the alt-text?
In the “transcript” dialogue box rather than the “alt text” box. I really gotta stop writing these things when I’m tired and loopy. :/
Let’s look at some of the stupid puns from my notebook of ideas:
*I’ve got several ideas in my notes along the lines of “Indiana Jones crossed with…” either Tennesee Williams or Hannah Montana or Duncan Idaho
*”circle of life” parody about the circle of death spell
*dwarven bard associated with the underground music scene
*Costconan the Barbarian
*”now you can see the magic of rock” [sic] “Yes, I understand its power now”, a very subtke one word change to a line frommTemple of Doom that completely changes its meaning
*thousand yard stairs
*swarm of time flies
*fantasy writer Reginald R.R. Regal, or R.R.R.R. for short (a parody of J.R.R.Tolkien and George R.R. Martin), also possibly the middle “R.R.” may stand for “Railroad”. Also a weird fiction writer named Howard Q. Howard (a parody of Howard Lovecraft and Robert Howard)
*a vampire casino adventure entitled “stakes”
*Undocumented Servant spell
*Cthulhu parody named Kazoo Lou
*trenchcoat pokemon with the flash ability
*vegans are the Ones Who Walk Away From Omelettes
*”that’s the pitcn y’all, that’s how i roll” (pitch yaw roll)
8Uncle Slam [sic]
*plane where entering it works like (IIRC) leaving the astral or faerie; you suddenly age. perhaps the place is named “Progeria”
*pollo [sic] ponies
*”come listen to a story about a god named Geb”
*now that I think of it, the name Angus McFife (the character from Gloryhammer) kind of sounds like the name of a hamburger
*yuan-ti “tainted ones” are so called because they’re the only yuan-ti without cloacas
*fungi from yugoslavia
*Area 420, where they keep all the alien weed
*debauched waterfowl named Swaanesh and the Duck of Blangis
*What if Francis Drake the pirate and Francis Drake from SETI were the same guy
*An Autumn themed supervillain named “Fall Guy” who is a patsy for another more powerful supervillain
*Coldstone Crematorium
> Costconan… XD
https://southpark.fandom.com/wiki/Toolshed
> *vegans are the Ones Who Walk Away From Omelettes
That’s legit clever.
> *Coldstone Crematorium
What do you want mixed with your corpse?
I’m infamous for my puns amongst my friends, which is why I always enjoy making characters that tend more towards the “straight man” part of the curve. It’s a nice change of pace for me, and it has them gradually lowering their guard as a given session goes on, for which they then receive due PUNishment when we’re out of character for a moment.
It also makes it a lot easier to trick them into setting up a pun I wish to make by way of a leading question or such: otherwise, they tend to realize it halfway through, and it doesn’t work if they don’t allow me in.
Was there an especially good “gotcha” pain that you managed to pull of with your group?
I’m horrible at puns, but am a source of constant amusement to my players. My dad was known for spoonerisms…ALL…THE…TIME. So I grew up constantly mixing my syllables and still do to this day. My husband favorites have been the “Hor (pronounced just as you think) Wammer” and the “Rot Holl (I was baking that day)”.
And what’s worse, I’m so used to it I don’t even notice when I do it. My brain just automatically readjusts the syllables so I hear the correct verbiage.
Horhammer… Reminds me of the time my exalted party threw a grand goremaul in the air Yojimbo style to decide which way they should go. It clocked our sluttiest Exalt on the head. We marched off the direction her prone body pointed.
And thus the “whore compass” was invented!
Thanks, that make me snort my coffee
The “Spirit bomb” is a potent explosive: A keg of Dwarven spirits. You crack it open, put a lit flame a set distance away, and wait for the fumes to ignite.
Sounds pretty lit.
More puns from my idea notebook:
*surprise elemental. creatures are always flatfooted against it
*Hermaeus Moron
*atheist praying mantises
*scryPod/scryPad
*literal tempest in a teapot that can be poured out to create a storm
*a cross between zuckerberg and the borg queen (edit: “zuckerborg”)
*My Little Pony: Black Magic Is Magic
*atomic balm
*gremlin who literally puts bugs in the system
*music of the spears [sic]
*many armed-guards or many-armed guards?
*poe pony
*order of the gashapon
*undead flying objects
*Villain has ship named the SS Warcrimes
*somber-ero
*Insanitation
*sonic screwdriver = “sufficiently advanced technology wand”
*rosewood axles
*holy fire and holy water combine to make holy firewater
*pokemom [sic]
*Fresh Prince theme can be sung to tune of Gilligan’s Island theme starting at “i got in one little fight”
*roman treant Ficus Maximus
*Great Race of Yith possessing animals for immoral purposes –> Great Race of Yiff
*Ninja Turtle named after Bob Ross
*a mewtwo named Metwo who keeps getting sexually harrassed
*record of No Doz war
*Alag Kurv At = THOT (that hoe [over] there) in tolkien orcish
*lemming version of lemminkainen called lemmingkainen
*Daguerreotype dagger
*not buck teeth but tooth buckshot
*Halloweeb, when you dress up as anime characters for Halloween
*Jack Sprat poem but we interpret “lean” to mean the drug
*Tony Robbins and Emperor Palpatine are both associated with the phrase “unlimited power”, do something with that
*troll based on Donald Trump
*godspeed, in the sense of meth from heaven
*underworld contacts, in the sense of contact lenses from hell
*wonderland, the card version from the first book, is terrorized by the joker
*carrion crawler named carrie ann crawler
*it’s not an english greeting, it’s buongiorno
*sacrificing an ewe to prevent forest fires. only ewe can prevent forest fires
*”I will allow them to drink freely from the fountain of the water of life” in Revelation could also be translated as “fountain of distilled alcohol” or “fountain of jellyfish” if we take liberties with the translation of “aquae vitae” or extreme liberties with the translation of “hydratos zoa”. do something with that
*fake Pokémon called Potémkin
*pervy space captain Captain Kink [sic]
*Necrophiladelphia
*”power crystal” that is actually crack or meth
*The Great Reefer Barrier
*Burgermeister McCheese
*A superhero named “Business Man”
*Entenmann’s ent man entomology
*metal or horrorcore album entitled “Stabby Road”
*agony ants [sic]
*ascetic acid [sic]
*Star ratS
*metal album where the album art shows a sort of combination of a totrure device and a voting booth and the title of the album is “Suffer-age”
*drunken fratboy superhero Brews Wayne [sic]
*”cavemangenuity”
*delivery – deli very
*egg benediction
*Indo Jones and the Temple of Doobs
*The Book of Anomalous Prayer
*Jigglypuffpuffpass, the marijuana pokemon
*The crypt o’ currency
I disagree about puns only bringing amusement to the teller, honestly. I think it’s a very complicated dynamic–the audience performs annoyance as a way of showing appreciation.
Anyways, big fan of the return! Who doesn’t like hot vampires?
Tweet, red card. Too many forced puns.* Ejected from game.
*Those are the kinds where you use a word that doesn’t even sound the same, just close.
No exceptional puns spring immediately to mind, but I’ll never forget when I had my PCs’ contact in the village they were sent to save warn them to be careful not to run into a Henway if they venture into the wilderness.
Of course, never having heard of such a creature, they asked me, “what’s a Henway?”
“About 5 pounds!”
They were so mad, it was great.
Figurine of Wondrous Power: Adobe Acrobat
This clay figurine may be transformed for up to 3 hours per day into a performer who performs tumbling tricks as if they had 14 ranks in tumble but knows and can do nothing else
Faint Transmutation; CL 11th; Craft Wondrous Item, animate objects; Price 1000gp???; Weight 3lb
There are Good puns though, they’ll elicit a laugh, a chuckle, even a wry smile.
It’s the Dad puns that cause moans, groans, and thrown objects.
But aside from that, how do you know when a pun is a Dad pun?
When it’s apparent…
But seriously, I try to avoid puns while gaming in person, because I was in the game that was killed by puns. It was a Star Wars campaign and it started by the GM accidentally saying “You can store your gar on the ship” kicking off a half-an-hour of fish jokes. We’d just managed to overcome that (we took a break, had dinner, and restarted) when he intro’ed our commanding officer NPC, a Mon Calamari… which of course started round two of bad ocean puns.
At that point the game was officially dead.
The shopkeeper was a prime suspect in the Case of Babies-are-Turning-into-Goldfish. Our two stalwart investigators, a half-elf wildfire druid and a half-orc battlemaster fighter, decided to play it cool as they entered the store.
Shopkeeper: Can I help you two find anything?
Wildfire Druid: Some matches.
Battlemaster Fighter: Yeah, someone who matches your description! *tackles shopkeeper*
It’s the sound editing that really makes the joke work. The best part is the little “hrrk!” from the shopkeeper when he goes down.
I almost forgot about my idea for an undead hippopotamus called the hippoposthumous