Self-Discovery
Looks like Paladin isn’t the only one on a soul-searching mission. Necromancer shouldn’t be too surprised though. I mean, she wasn’t evil to begin with.
While today’s comic is all about character exploration, I’d like to take today’s rant as an opportunity to discuss the other kind of personal revelation. And that mess has more to do with psychodrama than gaming.
You see, therapeutic roleplay has a long history, one that predates RPGs by decades. In fact, back when our hobby was young, certain quarters felt that the term “roleplay” smacked of psychobabble, and favored “adventure gaming” instead. I can understand that impulse. We’re out here for fun and adventure after all. Why would you want to gum up the works with all that self-serious navel-gazing?
Speaking for myself, I think the answer is easy. That’s because ‘want’ has nothing to do with it. The psychological aspect of roleplay is still there regardless of intent. It’s the same deal with writing or painting or any of those other crazy lovely things! When you’re a creative person, you put a little bit of yourself into your work. And in my case, I may have put just a splash more than I’d intended.
My ranger icon is also transitioning to wizard.
Back when Wizard adopted her new look, I described my personal relationship to crossplaying (a term I used to describe opposite-gendered players and PCs). I also told the story of my first female PC way back in Courtly Dress. And by the time Fighter got hit with the girdle of opposite gender in the very first page of The Handbook of Erotic Fantasy, you’d think that my English-major brain could have detected a pattern.
All of which is to say: I’m very pleased to meet you, Handbook-World! Your humble author will be using she/her pronouns from here on out, and shall henceforth be known throughout the land as Claire Stella Stricklin. (Leave it to a D&D nerd to name herself ‘Bright Star’ like some kind of friggin’ fantasy princess.)
That’s my dramatic revelation for the day. What about the rest of you guys though? Have you ever discovered unexpected psychological resonance lurking within your RP? Or conversely, have you ever used roleplaying intentionally to work through your personal issues? I know this is a tough question to bring before a public comments section, so please don’t share more than you’re comfortable sharing. But if you do feel up to joining me and Necromancer before the Mirror of Truth, I’ll see you down in the comments!
ADD SOME NSFW TO YOUR FANTASY! If you’ve ever been curious about that Handbook of Erotic Fantasy banner down at the bottom of the page, then you should check out the “Quest Giver” reward level over on The Handbook of Heroes Patreon. Thrice a month you’ll get to see what the Handbook cast get up to when the lights go out. Adults only, 18+ years of age, etc. etc.
Hello, Claire. ^_^ I’m pleased to meet you.
P.S.: I’ve updated your name in the credits of those three pieces of fanart I drew for Handbook of Heroes. I will do my best not to deadname you. ^_^
I’d planned to make the update first thing this morning. No chance I was beating 1:06 am though, lol.
If you’re planning to update your twitter account or create a new one, would you send me a dm or follow me first? I’d hate to lose touch. ^_^
I kind of have to update the Twitter. Which sucks because we’re not exactly swimming in followers in the first place.
Still, @ColinStricklin clearly won’t work long term, and it’s better to rip that Band-Aid off sooner than later. You better believe I’ll make some noise and tag all the people when I make the change though.
I’ll make sure to retweet when you make the announcement. ^_^
<3
It’s very nice to see Necromancer doing some soul-searching, instead of committing to vengeance. I’m eager to see what happens next!
(Also, Necromancer’s true self looks super pretty!)
Every time I give Laurel the chance to draw a new costume, it’s cause for celebration in the Heroes household.
Nice to meet you, Claire.
As for this week’s question, I’ll say that I really should have spent some time on soul searching once I noticed that working and playing out the personalities and traits of a female pc felt far more natural to me than doing the same for a male pc, but younger me was really quite dense.
I mean, I’m writing this on my way to get a checkup after being on E for a year, so I did figure things out eventually, but still…
Me five years ago @ myself: Well, like, gender probably isn’t a fully guy-and-girl thing, right? Like, even the manliest of dudes must have a little bit of femininity. Clearly, the part of myself that I draw off of when making characters must just happen to be the super-teeny-tiny part of myself that is female. Yes, this is very much a reasonable explanation for why both characters I based mostly off myself turned out to be female.
That hits close to home. Multiple people assumed that I based Fighter on myself since we look a bit alike. Meanwhile, Laurel and I argue over which of us gets to identify with Wizard since we’re both drama llamas. (She says I’m Cleric on account of my rules-lawyer streak. The nerve!)
Point is, with Fighter and Wizard both serving as pseudo stand-ins for the author, the first draft of today’s comic wound up being a bit too on-the-nose:
TITLE: Completely Non-Allegorical
TEXT: The greatest adventure lies in self-discovery.
PIC: Femme-Fighter and Wizard drinking at The Mead Hall at the End of the Multiverse. Claire Stricklin is also there, deep in her cups (and also denial).
DIALOGUE:
Wizard: Do you think it strange that the vicissitudes of fate — across two continuities no less — have rendered us both into female form?
Fighter: Kind of weird that it happened twice.
Claire: Nope. Total coincidence. I wouldn’t read too much into it.
SCROLLOVER: The Mead Hall at the End of the Multiverse is a great place. I recommend the Meta-Mead. It’s less potent than the Self-Insert Sack Mead, but more satisfying than Non-Canon Hydromel.
In retrospect, a hobby predicated on taking new identities for a test drive in a fun and judgement-free environment seems kind of useful for this biz. It’s only anecdotal, but the amount of trans folks I’ve met through gaming seems way higher than the general population.
… When you put it that way, it does seem kinda obvious.
Anyway, congratulations, albeit a bit late !! 😀
Welcome, Claire! I look forward to having my opinions challenged by a Wizard as much as they were by a Ranger. 😉
As for the day’s question – I think I find a fair bit of psychological resonance in D&D campaigns, particularly when it comes to my characters’ tragic love lives and penchant for siezing failure from the jaws of victory. But as for intentionally working out personal issues through storytelling – that I can’t find an example of, off the top of my head. I *do* however very much enjoy exploring complex and controversial ethical perspectives through the mind of a player character, but that’s the sociology/psychology nerd in me, I suppose.
Cheers, Ilmari! Despite my unexpected roll on the reincarnation table, I have no doubt this little corner of the Mage’s Forum will remain a fun place to talk shop.
https://www.handbookofheroes.com/archives/comic/community-support
As for you characters’ love lives / failure-seizing, I’ve heard that genre differentiates itself from lit fic in the way it creates character depth. Instead of psychological realism and deep character studies, genre fiction gives characters the same archetypal test over and over. The big example in my mind is Frodo and Bilbo and Gollum all interacting with the One Ring. That repetition reveals difference between characters, and we’re meant to compare one to the other as a way of discovering something deeper than any one character.
Hello and Congratulations, Claire!
Hail and well met, traveler!
Wow holy shit, congrats! <3
And of course, strewing old traumas and quirks among one's characters is a proud tradition which is often unconsciously undertaken. I had some male characters in my retinue early on, almost more out of a sense of obligation than anything else, but the long-lasting ones were all lasses. There was a foul-mouthed trans brawler in the mix. I still didn't quite notice the extent of my own gender situation until much later in the midst of obliviously playing lots of women. :b
😀
Talking to gender-diverse folks, that seems to be a ridiculously common experience. “The signs were all there! How dense can I be?” But at least in my case, I can tell you from hard experience that denial is more than a river in Egypt.
Congrats Claire! I’m super happy for you!
Super happy for myself. And the weird part is that I honestly wasn’t expecting that.
Mood. For me personally, I spent so long running away from the idea I was Trans that when I finally figured everything out an accepted it, it was super surprising how happy it made me feel.
I was genuinely shocked to discover that “gender euphoria” was a real thing. It only hit me after I’d decided to transition, and it’s ultimately what confirmed me in that decision.
“Holy shit! You mean I’m allowed to feel good about myself? Why didn’t anyone tell me!”
Hi Clare, great to meet you!
Cheers, Rat Dad! Acceptance from a father figure (rodential or otherwise) is especially welcome in these trying times. 😛
I’d offer you an egg for these trying times, but I worry you’ve become rather adept at cracking them.
(https://translanguageprimer.com/egg/ for those confused)
Huh. I really ought to go through that primer myself. I’m still pretty new to these spaces, so I’d rather not misspeak.
Congratulations Claire.
There ought to be some kind of celebrtion tradition. Something like throwing graduation caps, housewarming, or possibly burning an effigy before an eldritch bonfire dedicated to THAT WHICH DWELLS BEYOND THE GENDER BINARY.
Hi Claire, glad to hear things are going well for you.
Cheers, Tom! Now if I can just get my on-hiatus-due-to-teaching-abroad-for-the-summer campaigns back on track, I will truly have my shit together.
Figuring out gender identity: easy.
Scheduling a campaign: should’a picked cleric, ’cause you’re gonna need a miracle.
Is there some way for money to fix the problem?
https://www.handbookofheroes.com/archives/comic/cash-flow
Nice work, girl! Always love to see someone figure herself out!
As for todays question, I laugh alongside past me at all of the obvious times that a character was an obvious reflection of myself. (I’m still annoyed my Tomb of Annihilation character never found that sex-swap trap). I have started to notice a pattern behind when my characters reflect myself; so when my aromantic artificer leapt off metaphorical and actual cliffs while trying to live up to the expectations of those around her, you bet my bottom dollar I was gonna listen.
The self-loathing and impossible expectations are rough. I’ve been working through this biz following a therapist’s recommendation:
https://self-compassion.org/mindful-self-compassion-workbook/
I always thought I was too buff and studly to need a self-help book, but it’s helped a lot. (And if you can detect hints of Fighter in that, remember that he too came out of my brain.)
In my case, it was always the feeling that doing anything- buying a self-help book, venting to friends, talking to a therapist- would consume either time, money, or emotional tolerance, so I shouldn’t waste those resources unless I’m majorly unhappy. And I am happy… aren’t I?
thisIsFineDog.exe
Oh bugger, fair warning I’ll probably use the last name. An old friend and co-worker of mine transitioned 5 years ago, and I still occasionally forget that, good thing we don’t have gendered pronoun in finnish. I used to use the last name more anyway so I tend to favour that try try to avoid deadnaming.
But as for what I use RP for, stress reliever. Most of my characters are jokes and references. One of my most belovee characters Tyr Thralltaker, the Pathfinder viking, was created in time when I worked as security and with all the law and order and dealing with scumbags of mankind I wanted to burn of aggression. One reason why I tend to avoi paladins, I favour law and order above good.
I’ve discovered that it’s harder for old friends than new acquaintances. You set an impression of somebody in your head, and that mess is tough to shake. Folks can tell when it’s an honest slip of the tongue though, so I wouldn’t sweat it too hard. 🙂
Totally valid! Remember our old pal The Manyfold Glossary?
https://sites.google.com/site/amagigames/the-what-i-like-glossary
It lists Venting for a reason.
I can second that on the old friends front. I have one who transitioned just a few years ago and while I haven’t done the dead-naming out loud, I have had to mentally slap myself for doing it in my head before.
From personal experience (and several articles on the subject), the thing to do is, “I mean, [correct pronoun],” and leave it at that. No need for self-flagellation or big apologies. 🙂
Yeah, likewise… even though it’s been a few years now since an old friend went through this, I still have to pause to review what I’m about to say or write, and make sure I’ve got it right.
I don’t think she’d be upset by the occasional slip up — she knows old habits are hard to break — but it’s important to her, so it’s important for me to get it right.
Sounds to me like you’re doing it right.
I remember that and you accusing me of borderline sociopathy after I listed my reasons.
Sociopathy? Not at all! I simply remarked that you and serial killers have similar interests. 😛
(To be clear: not a serious accusation.)
Had I taken it badly or having never heaed of that before, I wouldn’t be here.
Answering the question of when I worked through things: I played an elven bladelock not terribly long ago, who I was quite nervous about bringing in. They were, in short, a reflection of my worst qualities. A veneer of ego and showy-off intelligence hiding self-doubt and a need to live up to impossible expectations I forced upon myself. I was terrified that by making obvious these terrible qualities, my friends would then notice them in myself, and realise I was just as horrible as the character. But instead, the character was welcomed into the party, and had the most satisfying arc I have ever played, learning to care for others, to deal with grief and anger, to apologise, to accept yourself and do what is right. I can’t say that my IRL character arc has quite reached that same point. But I every few months, I notice that I’m a little bit closer.
I’ve got a bad habit of meeting people who reflect my least-favorite qualities, then judging them harshly because I recognize myself in them. It sounds like you invented that person for yourself. Must have been all kinds of cathartic to realize your friends still liked that person regardless.
Alas, that character’s proficiency with the deception skill had me believing for awhile that the others had simply fallen for the same mask I used to hide myself. But imposter syndrome is a lot easier to work through when it’s externalised, so it isn’t a coincidence that it was after that “awhile” I was comfortable coming out as me.
Hi Claire. Very pleased to meet you. Thank you for introducing yourself to all of us.
The good folk of Handbook-World have been a comfort and support these many years. I can think of no better place to be myself. <3
Howdy Claire! Best update that ‘about’ page for any newcomers and peeps who are still binging the archives/not reading the commentary (scandalous, I know). Plus the avatar posting here I guess.
Any supportive and/or cheeky comments from Laurel on this self-discovery?
Avatar is online. She preps “disguise self” each morning, and is working her way up to “true polymorph” at high level.
I really should have written the copy for the “about” page last night. Would have been smart to have that ready to go. As it is, I’m indulging my habit of answering the early comments first thing. There seem to be a lot of ’em today. 🙂
Laurel will not be denied her pretty/poofy dresses! I wonder what class she’s looking at in that mirror. Omdura, perhaps, or an occult class?
On a side note, you missed some comedic visual opportunity by having the window hole be Witch-shaped.
Hmm, what alignment / Dorian-Gray-sona does Brutus have?
Never heard of the omdura. They sound like a reworking of “paladin” into a general “champion of the gods” class. And honestly, that seems like a good thing to have.
As for Brutus’s Dorian Gray-sona, I think we’ve already seen it:
https://www.handbookofheroes.com/archives/comic/distress-signal
Omdura is an odd class that came in at the VERY end of Pathfinder 1e, as a part of a crossover with the Niobe comics series. It’s sufficiently quasi-canon that the class isn’t even included on Archives of Nethys – you have to go to d20pfsrd for it.
Mechanically, it is basically an Oracle/Paladin hybrid with a sprinkle of Inquisitor. There’s a Magus archetype, though. It probably is a decent starting class for a rookie player who wants to try divine casting.
Could we have a list of what the other characters see in their respective mirrors? Or are you saving it for recurring gags / pinups (especially if the mirror is a living item)?
Oh gods… I guess we could make bring the mirror back and do a Secret Santa type post:
https://www.handbookofheroes.com/archives/comic/secret-santa
That sounds like hard work though!
Hello Claire! Love your “you” name!
When I realized what I’d done, I flashed pretty hard on Starlight Brigade:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J9Q3i5w6-Ug
I hadn’t realized how much it affected me. Still, there are worse role models than galaxy-saving blue chicks.
Congrats! I’m sure Wizard would be delighted to hear her transformation now counts as foreshadowing 🙂
Wizard: “I have peered beyond the veil, and seen those strange beings who write the words of reality upon discs of carven silicon. The sages say that their senseless games control every step we take. Each word we speak. The very thoughts that flicker with subtle lightning across the lobes of our brains. Yet I have my own theories. I have devised my own rebuttal. And in the workings of my own small magics, I believe that I have turned the flow of reality back upon itself, and now tug on those same puppet strings that would have set me dancing a mummer’s jig!”
…
…
…
So like, I guess so? She seems more awash in the joy of arcane power than ‘delighted,’ but maybe those two things aren’t so different.
Pleased to re-meet you, Claire!
I have also learned quite a bit about myself through RP, it’s part of what I love about the hobby!
It took me many years, but it’s also helped me discover/accept my own gender identity, so I’m glad it’s helping other people in the same way!
My academic work doesn’t point in this direction at the moment, but I may be uniquely positioned to write on “adventure games as safe outlet for the exploration of gender identity.” A surprising number of friends in the hobby have reported similar experiences, and that mess is 100% not an accident.
I am not sure if I should say welcome as tho you are new, or just hello again to an old ‘friend’ (as much as someone on the internet that I have never actually met is a friend), but either way, conga rats on self revelations, Claire 🙂
As to the question of the day, I never used to think of D&D as an exploration of self. It was only in more recent times, when the cast of Critical Role would speak on the subject that I realized that it was something that just sort of happened when you played a character.
I am not self aware enough to fully understand how a character affects me, or how I affect a character when creating them, but I am self aware enough to understand there is an affect and no one that plays a character for a long enough time remains the same person they were before they played them.
Cheers! The whole “reintroduction ritual” is very new in the broader culture, and I think it’s more down to individual relationships than a single correct way. That said, ‘congrats’ seems appropriate, and your friendship is very much appreciated. <3
It's strange to thing of the arcana of simulacra. We create these beings for ourselves out of ice and powdered ruby (or paper and #2 pencil as the case may be). We know that they aren't real -- aren't exactly us -- and so we're constantly surprised when they display some sort of humanity anyway. There's a reason the cursed item in today's comic is a mirror. The things we make always reflect.
As someone who is currently dealing with a suspicion that my growing fondness for playing female or gender-shifting (That often end up just being female) characters might be a symbol of something greater, nice to meet version 2.0. That is a stellar name, you got there.
Through I mainly GM these days, it has helped me process some of my own complicated relationships with family members, as a fair amount of my players like to include those in their backgrounds. Other than that, TRPGs also helped me realize my great love of hats.
Changelings? Yeah dude… My therapist plays D&D, and mentioned them specifically as a popular archetype for folks dipping a toe into gender exploration.
I never played one though. But then again, my first great love in terms of TRPGs was Werewolf: The Apocalypse. Transforming Janus figures fighting a losing battle against modern demons in a setting that would reject them as monsters? There probably isn’t any resonance there, right? 😛
The 5e variant to be precise. And later an elf of the gender shifting variant (Its a 5e thing, I think Forgotten Realms) that started as male and then changed into female later. I think the main thing that really started to make me realize that something may be up is how much more comfortable I am with actually roleplaying female characters.
… I am currently looking into that, so to speak. But I am glad that you have figured yourself out a bit more. It is always nice when you fit a few more puzzle pieces together.
Also, I like the new profile picture. It´s about time it got a hat.
Oh man… What was i thinking? I could have been an inquisitor! ARGH!
It’s probably for the best, BH would get jealous.
Greetings Claire! A pleasure to meet you!
Wait does Necromancer not have legs? Her non-mirror self looks kinda ghostly.
It’s a green piece over a black dress!
Took me a second to see what you meant.
I believe Laurel put a gradient on the dress. Rather than appearing translucent at the bottom, I think the intent is to reflect a Neutral alignment in a way that a pure white gown wouldn’t have. If you look closely, you can see that the mirror’s gray background is slightly different than the fabric of the dress.
Oh, hey! Welcome, Claire!
Turns out my comic has the Community and Friendship domains. Neat! <3
Once upon a time, I started a campaign with three dudes and a lady. Years later, I now play with three ladies and an enby. Same people. TTRPGs are a fantastic way to explore gender and see what fits.
On a personal level… I once played a PC who turned out to be a reincarnation of an old BBEG. When the party had an opportunity to speak to their past lives, he refused initially, knowing what awaited him. But when he finally stepped forward, instead of the BBEG he was greeted by a different spirit who told him that he had proved himself in this life and was truly a separate person from the ancient evil.
And, well… In a past life, you could say, I wasn’t a very nice person. I did some things that still weigh on me heavily and adopted some habits and attitudes that I’m still trying to break away from. So, even though it was just a game, having someone tell me that I’m not that old person any more meant a lot. Only time I’ve cried at the table.
> So, even though it was just a game, having someone tell me that I’m not that old person any more meant a lot. Only time I’ve cried at the table.
Those are powerful moments. You pour your heart and soul into a character, and still manage to be surprised when your heart and soul look back. There’s a reason that LARPers talk about “bleed,” you know?
https://nordiclarp.org/wiki/Bleed
“Have you ever discovered unexpected psychological resonance lurking within your RP? Or conversely, have you ever used roleplaying intentionally to work through your personal trauma?”
Nope and nope. I’ve always been one of those terribly lucky folks who have a lot of deep introspection ongoing most of the time, so I’ve always got a real good handle on who I am. I also have no shame, so I always experimented with things first hand.
The only thing roleplaying has taught me (aside from some aspects of others) is what level of “bs” I’m willing to tolerate /in game/. Like with all media, I have varying tolerances for ‘nonsense’ depending on how immersive the media is, the less participatory, the more tolerant I am for ‘nonsense’ (tolerance based on immersiveness: roleplaying<reading<boardgames/play<watching tv/movies).
Also, greetings Claire, pleased to meet you. Granted I have no idea what your name was before, so as far as I'm concerned, you've probably always been Claire.
My icon does not match myself, unless you realize it's Kuroneko from Trigun, the cool cat who is always where the action is but never directly involved… in which case, yes, yes that is me (just not reflective of my burning need to be chrome and clean, pure electrons running on bare metal. Alas borne too soon).
I’ve replied to literally dozens of your posts. You never noticed my name was Colin?
I don’t even notice my own name 3/4s of the time. I notice the avatars… and honestly Claire, I’m shite with names. I could see it everyday and then forgot within five minutes. If I don’t use it repeatedly or it isn’t interesting for some reason (odd spelling, completely odd name, or chosen for specific meaning… Miss Bright Star – don’t expect me to remember Stricklin though), I don’t remember it. I dated someone once and didn’t even remember their name for the first three weeks we dated because their name was so “common”, it just flew right through my head, in one ear out the other.
Heck, I’ve forgotten the names of some of the people in my weekly group when they’ve disappeared for more than a few months… names are my major malfunction.
Followed immediately by dates. Don’t expect me to remember your birthday or holidays, I barely remember my birthday or important one’s like my Mom’s. I mean, I remember what the date is, but I don’t put it together when it comes up. I’ve completely spaced right past my and my Mom’s birthdays (within two weeks of each other) and only known about it afterwards when she gave me shit about spacing them out.
Fair cop. I shall endeavor to be less of a crabby patty. And that goes double for anyone that actually calls me Bright Star. Out here like Neo at the end of the first movie:
https://64.media.tumblr.com/f6e17c67f074926269e4376d704e93c9/4aef91a627eb8d3a-8d/s400x600/6241045fba64a0cb61055ec2a896769c0a8d59ad.gifv
For my part, I still use 123 Greetings as an anniversary reminder for my folks. Just got me out of trouble today, actually. 🙂
Congratulations.
Context for all the stuff I’m aboot to write: I’m a cis-dude.
My approach to what gender I play in recent years is roll a d20: On an even result I’m playing a gal, on an odd result I’m playing a dude, on a 1/20 I’m playing a nonbinary pal. I’ve realized the gender of my characters doesn’t matter that much most of the time. There are occasions where I go with a preset gender because it works better, like if I’m basically playing a Disney Princess I’m gonna be a gal unless I’m playing as Marco Diaz. My Warforged used it/that pronouns because I played it as inhuman as possible, and referring to it as an object helped play it up.
I recently finished playing my first trans-character. It honestly wasn’t that different from playing a cis-dude except I made him shorter, I did his voice a little higher, and he sought out a **Belt of Dwarvenkind** so he could grow a beard.
Ironically despite the stereotype of trans folks exclusively playing their gender identity when I played with my friend who’s an already out trans-gal she decided to basically play as Jerry Seinfeld but a Triton Bard. That said my friend who I’m 90% sure is a closeted trans-dude plays nothing but guy characters, and gets really upset when you misgender their characters.
That’s Laurel’s strategy for sexual orientation in games. I think I mentioned it a million years ago, but my google-fu is weak today. Can’t seem to find the comic.
Is that a stereotype? I wasn’t aware. But then again, I don’t do too much organized play, so my circle of acquaintance grows more slowly than most modern gamers’.
> That’s Laurel’s strategy for sexual orientation in games. I think I mentioned it a million years ago, but my google-fu is weak today. Can’t seem to find the comic.
On the subject of orientation, the one thing I can’t comfortably play is any form of female [homo/bi/whatever]sexuality. I can play dudes of all sexualities, and I can play straight/ace gals, but the moment I even think of having a female character express interest in another gal I immediately am bombarded with thoughts of the sweaty neckbeards doing it for less nice reasons. This sadly means I’ll never get to play my Julie d’Aubigny (Google her, she’s really interesting) Swords Bard.
This came to a head when I was DMing and had a female player getting really friendly with the party’s female questgiver. I wasn’t sure if this was her just being friendly, or if it was supposed to be flirting, but I immediately panicked and asserted her heterosexuality by having her have a buff Dragonborn dude on her arm when they next met her.
This one I do have the link for:
https://www.handbookofheroes.com/archives/comic/crossplaying
Mad empathy, dude.
The site’s “About” section needs to be updated.
I’M WORKIN’ ON IT OVER HERE!
Hello Claire. Congratulations!
As for the question of the day, I used to use RP as a way to get past my shyness. I used to think I was an introvert. But turns out I just didn’t know how to extrovert.
I hear that a lot when reading about “D&D club” in high schools:
https://podcasts.apple.com/lu/podcast/d-d-in-the-classroom/id189053885?i=1000369006260
That and its efficacy as a tool for creative training.
For my part, gaming has always been a great way to structure new friendships. As I’m getting to know someone, I find that it helps to have a common subject to discuss just sitting there on the table between us.
Hey, howdy Claire! Congratulations! 🙂
As for the QotD, upon reflection, I do see a pattern wherein despite my efforts to create Chaotic Neutral PCs for me to play in other people’s campaigns, those characters get sidelined for other characters or see their alignments slowly transition toward Lawful Good. For nearly 40 years, True Neutral and aloof can stay true to the initial concept, but if I aim to misbehave, I wind up as the cat-herder:
-) A CN half-elf Fighter/Thief who went from brooding loner antihero to CG ersatz-Ranger “Am I the only person taking this seriously?” troubleshooter and serial team rescuer.
-) The CN halfling Rogue now only shows up when I’m running a certain campaign, and then usually only as the impetus for a new quest.
-) The boisterous CG half-orc Cleric (created to shake up the party and have a few laughs) post-resurrection becomes LG thoughtful, calculating, and responsible, taking ranks in Monk and Contemplative to reduce his dependence on magical items.
-) My unaligned baker’s daughter Cleric, originally envisioned as a coarse, foul-mouthed, reluctant priest, wound up as the ersatz team mother. (etc.)
Viewed in this light, there does seem to be a trend. No matter how much I may think that I want to inject some wacky zaniness into the gaming, I inevitably gravitate toward characters who act to shepherd the PCs away from the worst consequences of their already Chaotic behavior. I never set out to be the Responsible One in any party, but I guess my urge to become whatever I feel like the crew at the table needs means that while they’re more than capable of having a blast wrecking things without me, I must not sense a whole lot of reasoned collective planning without a nudge from somebody else (me).
Thanks, doc, for the chance for introspection. The check is in the mail. 🙂
Thanks for the kind words, Jay!
I’m right there with you on the “responsible by default” thing. As I consider it though, I don’t think that reflects my inborn sense of responsibility so much as my gaming style. I get frustrated when the game loses direction and descends into silliness. I tend to be mission-focused as a player, and want to move past the rando-shenanigans and get to the meat of the adventure. That means my chaotic goofballs wind up taking the party by the horns and steering them towards the adventure. The effect is that my PCs come off as “responsible leaders” due to my desire (read: the player’s) desire to stab monsters in the dungeon rather than slipping hallucinogens into inn keepers’ kegs.
Hello, Claire. Grats!
I don’t really think they gave me any great revelations, unless you count reviving my dead social life. 🙂
You see? Necromancy can be used for good!
Congratulations! I’ve enjoyed this comic and your rants immensely over the last few years and it’s good to see that you’ve discovered a personal truth and had the courage to express it.
Also, I love this Good Necromancer design; you don’t see as many decent evil*-to-good costume changes, and this is one of the best I’ve seen. Good job, Laurel! I hope there’s going to be a larger and clearer version of it in the future!
*OK, neutral with bad friends in Necromancer’s case, but the point still stands.
Cheers, Alaokru! It’s been nothing but good vibes so far. 🙂
I’ll pass your compliments to Laurel. She loves a costume change more than a pro wrestler, and it’s always fun to see what she comes up with.
Speaking from personal experience (while aroace rather than trans), realizing that you aren’t the one thing anyone hinted people can be for the first couple decades of your life is harder than it seems like it should have been in retrospect. It’s easy to come up with excuses, explanations for the things you feel (or don’t feel) that fall in line with how you’ve been told the world works.
Congratulations on finally figuring that out about yourself!
Preach. :/
Did the gaming side of things help you at all in terms of self-discovery?
Not really, no. Wanting to avoid romantic/sexual activities in RPGs is normal even for allo people.
What helped me was 1. actually learning that asexual and aromantic people exist and 2. a stray comment about finding “the right person” randomly prompting me to do the research and introspection I needed.
Point 1 is definitely the important one—if I knew dating, sex, marriage, etc were things not everyone wanted before I went to college, I could have figured myself out way sooner and wouldn’t need to be prompted. Which is (part of) why representation, pride, etc matter the way they do.
When people talk about representation mattering, I think “learning that people like me exist” is a useful point.
The best ace protagonist I met lives here:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Every_Heart_a_Doorway
Not aro though. :/
LMFAO I’ve seen one or two of your previous posts from a friend of mine, and it’s funny because I didn’t even realize you were the same person since I’ve had so little exposure to your content.
That said, I’m now a trans woman who knows TWO transfemme Claires. Ha! Take that!
Congrats + good job on coming out!
We are legion. 😛
Congrats on this major step on your journey of self discovery! So glad dnd and this comic gave you the opportunity to play around with gender. And of course, even bigger congrats on transitioning to Wizard – arcane casters fo life!
It’s a big step, but I never felt comfortable in my own skin without full progression casting.
Oh my gosh, Claire, congratulations!!!! I’m so happy for you!!
Took me a while to make the Insight check, but I got there in the the end. 🙂
Hey, even when you take 20, you’re expected to fail the check a few times on the way there, right? Sometimes it takes a while—or even someone on the outside with a better modifier asking some pointed questions and dropping hints. Would you believe I finally figured it out because a friend sent me a website that has a button you can press to become a girl, and then tells you if you pressed it you already are one? Because if you pressed it, it means you wanted to be one, and if you wanted it then you already were. I guess I couldn’t quite get there without the extra circumstance bonus!
I may have pressed that button a time or twelve myself. >_>
That gosh-darned button.
As for me, yeah, roleplaying was a big part of figuring myself out. I’d almost always play the female characters in video games like mass effect or dragon age, never understanding why I felt so weird about playing a guy. When I finally played with a ttrpg group I felt comfortable with, playing an explicitly transfemme character was… it was a lot, but it felt good, you know? I’m not ready to come out for real yet, not everywhere, but online and with some certain friends, I can be who I really am. I’ll get there the rest of the time eventually.
TRPGs are great as an early warning system. But for me, once I realized I had some mess to work through, moving on to a proper therapist made a big difference. After all, if this is part of yourself you want to explore, why not give it a fair shake with all the resources at your disposal?
In any case, good luck in your journey! I hope the road is a good one wherever it leads. 🙂
Thank you! I really appreciate it. I may take your advice, if I can find someone nearby with good recommendations. I hope the road is a good one, too—I guess I’ve got to start walking down it to find out. That’s why it’s an adventure!
<3
Also, obligatory:
https://media.giphy.com/media/14bWswbeWGzYEo/giphy.gif
Nice to meetcha, Claire, and thanks for sharing the journey of discovery with us!
A buddy of mine quoted Tolkien when I came out to him. I think that one will stick with me for a while:
https://64.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ltsmkkNTss1r5aaelo1_500.jpg
That is a fantastic quote, and particularly apt! May the road take you through more joyous occasions than rocky roads!
<3
Congratulations, Claire, and tell your wizard avatar she’s rocking that planetarium hat! (Wait, Laurel’s avatar is a rogue, right? Life imitates art, they say!)
On today’s topic of roleplaying and psychological resonance…when creating a character, I tend to (intentionally or not) take one of my “real-world” traits and turn it up to 11, then shape the rest of their personality around this core. And now that I think of it — this is something I never realized until starting to write this paragraph — it’s almost always a “double-edged” trait, something that is simultaneously a strength and a deep flaw.
Doktor Krauss’s unshakable devotion to the thing he values most, even when his near-certain failure will harm others as well as himself. Churrik the ratfolk trying to juggle both the instinct to treat friends and enemies alike with kindness and decency, and the necessity to sometimes draw a line and take a harsh stand. Xaari the artificer’s delight in science and discovery for their own sake, and her blindness to the potential havoc they create. And many more…
Also, I just noticed that every last one of ’em loves coffee or some analogous stimulant. So I guess I’ll make myself some coffee now. Cheers, Claire and Laurel!
Laurel’s avatar has been a wizard for a good long while now:
https://pbs.twimg.com/profile_banners/342425857/1526484369/1080×360
I think it’s getting an update though. 🙂
As for your characters, I’m pleased to provide an opportunity for reflection. The English major in me rejoices at the prospect of a good character study.
Now if only I could find some coffee. I really must go shopping.
Cool; thanks for the link. WizardLaurel’s spider is adorable.
I was thinking of the icon she posted with on Friday when talking about hand-drawn art — that one is wielding a dagger like she means it. Or possibly singing karaoke at a place with intimidating mics.
I didn’t realize she’d posted it! Yup, that is 100% a rogue. And I’m pretty sure it’s an accurate depiction of Laurel’s innermost power fantasy.
Congrats on the transition! Hopefully you can get some good trans-mutation done too.
As for my own shenanigans… I’ve played more female characters than not despite my masculine vessel, though I actually decided not to get a replacement when I abandoned my gender. (Looking back, the fact that almost all of my characters were some form of androgynous should have been a tip off. Lots of concealing outfits and elves.)
The most exciting part of the medical transition is when your tentacles start coming in.
Aw, you’re supposed to get tentacles? No fair, all I got was bile sacs that shoot acid. I want a refund!
Ok. You can reroll on the table, but I reserve the right to give you a complication in exchange. Do you still want to reroll?
I would be a dishonour to the chaotic stupid if I didn’t take every chance to fling those math rocks and see what happens!
(Roll)(Clatter)(Crash)(Thunk, thunk, thunk)(Cars honk)(Cat screeches)(Thud)(Crack)(Bounce)(Rooollllll)
…
…17.
Your fingernails are made from solid gold. They still grow and cutting them is annoying, but they net you 2 gp per week.
Good to meet you and I’m happy for you Claire, and I can tell you from personal experience that this kind of introspection is a lot easier to miss than it should be. That having been said, I will now use the true name you have foolishly given us to force you to continue writing HoH until the end of time! Mua Ha Ha Ha Ha!
OK, so long as you convinced the US government to use it as well.
Jury duty is going to be weird next month. :/
Sadly, I am not in a position of the federal government that can do that. If it is any consolation, you have been officially updated as Claire in all 0 nuclear garbage records pertaining to you.
Huzzah! Progress!
Great to meet you, Claire!
So the short answer is a resounding Yes. I shall cite three examples, for this is the correct number, although that’s me counting a ‘recurring’ happenstance as ‘one’. 😀
In terms of gender identity, I flipflop between using an ‘o’ and an ‘i’ in my name, depending on how I’m feeling. Phonetically, it sounds about the same, and it’s an unfamiliar name to most folks, so I don’t have to worry about deadnaming in the slightest, because both names are living. Enter my D&D characters! Osvaldt Guendallin, Erastil Inquisitor, playing through Iron Gods. After a certain accomplishment, there’s a great reward! One of the party can become an Aasimar should they desire. This Aasimar variety had a +2 dex bonus and I was the type of inquisitor to have seven arrows in the air within any six second time period, so I was all about it. Turned out that this variety is also 100% female, *but* that may not jive so well with Oz’s current form. So we rolled the mighty 1d2!
One flash of lightning and newly formed crater, and Gwendolyn Osvaldt came stumbling out of the blast zone, demanding ‘Where’s my hat?’ That only the hat had survived said blast was beside the point. She picked it up, brushed it off, then caught a robe that one of the other party members tossed over to her, and we eventually forged our way to the successful completion of the campaign.
Tacking on to this, recently I played a half orc druid, Sar’carrul. He was a middle aged, wise-old-druid type that had dedicated his life to shepherding the humans living in the mana wastes, seeing them as every inch a part of nature as the average songbird or babbling brook. Unfortunately, he came to an unexpected demise somewhere around level 6.
However, druids are awesome, and have their own method of getting back up after a bad hit, that is 4000 gold cheaper than Raise Dead and requires no diamond dust. Time for a d100 to see which race I am! 50? Cool, which one is that?
Oh, it’s half orc. Ha! 1d2?
Hm. Well, Sar’carrul is kind of a one size fits all name. Let’s just keep her with the same! She held to the opinion, as many druids might, that ‘this body? All it’s here for is to allow me to act, and do the things I need. What form I’m taking never really mattered in the first place, did it? I’m a fucking allosaurus sometimes. Sometimes problems are chewy and that’s the best way to handle ’em.’
Now I’m just playing a Vishkanya bardess named Shasallah in Hell’s Rebels, and though our party balance is borked (and has gotten us soft TPK’d once), it looks like she’s going to be amazing. I get to roleplay her with a light, bouncy, friendly voice, and I’ve been posting the ‘aria of the day’ to our discords at the beginning of each weekly session, so that whoever wants to listen to her bard song can do so without drowning out combat discussions.
I made a reply because the resonance, and learning from your own characters, is worthy of separating from the other topic. In the Changeling: The Dreaming game I’m in, I’m playing a Nocker named Sullivan. He’s packed with muscle and crankiness, and has no time or inclination to blow smoke up people’s asses on request. Everyone gets the blatant truth, even (especially) when it’s inconvenient, whether it’s for Sullivan or for them. What are they gonna do? He’s the best crafter in the Changeling chat. Gonna never buy from him ever? Sure, make your own stuff. Spend the weeks. 😀
As I was beginning to play him, I realized, “Sullivan is fearless, and has no need to lie! He’s powerful, so he can afford to be fearless, but…what would threaten him about a person being angry even if he were a beanpole? I think…he has no reason to lie because there’s no situation that he’s going to get into where lying will make things easier than truth telling.” This marked a mental shift for me, over the course of a couple weeks while I mulled it over. In my past, I’ve been a commensurate liar, not pathologically so, but at a certain point it becomes easy to convince yourself that “it doesn’t really matter if I do or don’t, it’s inconsequential and the lie is making things easier ‘now’, which is all that does matter.” Seeing Sully be utterly successful in what originally started as a thought experiment, ‘I wonder what happens if every word I speak is the most honest truth I know?’ made me wonder why I can’t apply that to myself.
So, I have, and lemme tell you, it’s a night and day change. Sometimes I mess up and spit a fib or obfuscate the truth still, even when it doesn’t matter at all, but I’ve done my very best to jolt the conversation that contains the lie to a stop and apologize, say ‘Hey, I’m trying to be honest, and I just lied to you. I’m really sorry, here’s what actually is going on.’ Basically every person I’ve shared this with was extremely impressed with what I was trying to do, and my partner has helped me stay on the up and up too.
A couple of key points I realized: If they’re gonna be mad at the truth when you tell them now, they’re gonna be WAY more mad when they eventually *find* the truth and realize that I lied previously.
Lying takes a lot of effort to do well! A lot a lot, that whole ‘oh what a tangled web we weave, when we practice to deceive’ line is no joke. It’s like carrying a load of bricks that you have to cross reference both secretly and often, it takes up a statistically significant amount of time and energy. Orrrrr…I can just, not. Don’t carry those bricks. Don’t propagate those lies. They’re there for their own sake, not mine.
I’m still playing Sullivan, and he’s still teaching me new things. Most recent is his quest to fight his fate of dying in battle. His liege lord lamented that he was merrily and recklessly throwing himself towards his own death, and wanted to know why? If he was weary of this life, if the burdens of the world were beginning to weight him down, there are ways to send a fae soul to its next life with dignity and vigor, to deny the banality that encroaches on the world. Then I remembered, Sullivan’s bane is ‘surrender,’ and acting like ‘there’s nothing for it but for me to plan for death in combat’ is kinda surrendering to fate? It took him a bit, but eventually he realized, ‘fuck fate. I’m gonna die in my bed after a lifetime of winning, and not even fate’s gonna stop me!’
It still might, the game isn’t over yet. But Sullivan has never been more of a joy to play with his new lease on existence.
And having roleplaying as a teacher has been an unbounded joy for me, too. I wish this much epiphany and happiness on everyone.
Finding the bravery to honestly explore an idea is the hard part. Good on ya for taking that step.
Right back atcha, my friend!
What is a DormNonja? 😛
That is an amazing idea and I’m stealing the crap out of it.
I think they flip/flop between being the relatively unassuming “Dormninja” and the absolutely terrifying “Dirmnonja”, which I think is some sort of vengeance spirit.
At least that’s my reading of it.
It’s kinda like Vigilante, with half the leg count.
(and 300% vengeance, yeah, good read)
It is both an honor and a pleasure, Claire!
Charmed, I’m sure!
Didn’t get out of bed today expecting to contend with the masculine urge to curtsy.
“Have you ever discovered unexpected psychological resonance lurking within your RP?”
Oh, yes, both good and bad 🙂
“Or conversely, have you ever used roleplaying intentionally to work through your personal issues?”
Cast your best divination spell and try to guess how i got into this kind of games 🙂
On the personal i got lots of stuff to deal with, mentally and personally, and this games do help me. Won’t talk much more since… itsn’t that is a personal thing, it do is but the point is i prefer not to talk about my issues or my mental health 🙂
Now about you, Claire, kinda we just knew each other but kinda we know for a time 😀
Nice to meet you, too bad you can edit old messages to not deadname you. Won’t have a problem into change each and every one 🙂
In any case congrats, rolepalying is good, but on real life you need to be yourself and that is just what you are doing and hope that be better than great. My best wishes to you and Laurel as you keep on this journey together 😀
A lot of my older rants trade on my former male identity, and wouldn’t make much sense to clean up. Better to leave ’em as-is, says I!
Handbook is a strange place for me, sitting at the intersection of gaming and real life. No doubt Huizinga would have something to say about magic circles. 🙂
Good to know there is not problem with older content 🙂
Quite introspective you are. That is good. Sometimes isn’t easy to realize things about yourself, so sorting things help a lot. Took me a good decade to fully realize i was bi. To be honest part of that was because i didn’t knew that was even an option, but don’t knowing didn’t made things for me. Lusting for guys and girls doubting if you are straight or gay while being a teenage wasn’t easy. So good you can be yourself, so happy for you Claire 😀
The amount of people I’m discovering who “didn’t know people like me existed” is staggering. I sure hope that’s changing in terms of the broader culture.
I was thinking of my childhood-teenage years, like the 90’s and 2000’s. On 2020 that isn’t good and hope it becomes less and less common. In any case here we cheer for you 😀
Cheers to you too, my friend! Thank you for the kind words. 🙂
Casting ‘Open the Can of Worms’ eh?
I have a few characters that have done that. This one right here in particular was the first.
That game was basically a giant experiment with the corruption system from Ravenloft. We all knew that going in, so I asked the GM if I could end up a demon, and he said sure. We agreed on the premise-clever, manipulative, tricky, more stealth oriented. Leave the strength/powerful types to the more rookie players.
When it came time, we opened up the big ol’ book o’ monsters, and realized that DnD does not really have too many demons. Less so of the tricky manipulative kind. So the GM made my character a succubus. It was a bit of an adjustment, but the character means a lot more as a result than it did then.
I always thought the glabrezu with the clever/manipulative ones:
https://forgottenrealms.fandom.com/wiki/Glabrezu
Of course, they aren’t exactly stealthy on non-strength/powerful types, so I can see why you’d go another direction.
Was the succubus a gender swap from the original PC?
It was. Like I said, wasn’t my choice, I rolled with it.
Has been a great decision over the life time of the character.
As for Glab’s, it may not have been the most researched decision on our GM’s part. He wanted something cool, something agent like that fit the Rogue kit and how I was doing things. Glabrezu probably would’ve worked, but we were flipping through and saw ‘hulking monster’ and immediately wrote it off at the time. Art matters.
Pleased to get to know you Claire!
I’m loving the developments going on with Necromancer and Paladin and look forward to wherever you’re taking them 🙂
I have definitely found some resonance between myself and my characters, though I haven’t deliberately used them for working out my own issues (still figuring out how to deal with that can of worms). Each of my characters has held onto at least a few of my behavioral/mental traits, even if they’re exaggerated to a degree.
I just hope we can stick the landing. This plot thread has been a slow burn, so I hope it still works by the time we’re doine.
In terms of games I know, the one that seems most dedicated to this kind of RP is Monster Hearts:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Monsterhearts
Going back to the primordial ooze of high school to figure out your identity sounds like a potent experience. Not sure I’m brave enough to try myself, lol.
Congratulations, Claire, it’s always good to discover more about yourself!
As for the question(s) of the day…. Honestly, I don’t think so. Even though I play as the opposite gender I was born/identify as, I’ve always been pretty clear on the reasons why I’m compelled to do that.
Which are largely to do with style and the type of person I see myself as/what I’m comfortable playing as far as male characters go. I just find I have more female character concepts I’m comfortable with than male ones.
Cheers, Ramsus! As one of the comic’s original fans, it’s always gives me a smile to see that you’re still around. 🙂
The ‘resonance’ thing isn’t just limited to gender exploration. I’m talking about parental issues, phobias, messy breakups, or any of the other IRL stuff that jumps the line into the game world.
Happy to see you being your best self, Claire. Congrats!
Cheers, RN!
Also of note, I just clicked on your name for the first time ever. HOW DID I NOT KNOW THESE LINKED PLACES!?
They only link somewhere if you put a somewhere in the 3rd, optional field, “Website URL”
Congratulations on a big decision… I hope you’ll be happy with the result. It’s not something I have personal experience of, but I’ve talked a bit with an old friend who transitioned a few years ago, about the nagging sense of wrongness (for want of a better word) that went back nearly thirty years, back to when we were in school together, and the realisation of what the problem was. It’s a big decision — no exaggeration to call it life-changing — but she certainly seems happy with how she’s re-inventing herself…
As to soul searching and RPGs… I’m male and comfortable with that — but I do appreciate the way that gaming provides the opportunity to explore alternative selves. Indeed, many of my female characters have resonated with me more than I might have expected… they feel more real than most of their male counterparts. So while it’s not therapeutic in the sense it might be for you, it’s certainly part of the fascination about role-playing…
I guess that’s called ‘gender dysphoria.’
https://translanguageprimer.com/dysphoria-dissonance/
Didn’t get my terminology straight until I finally started taking it seriously a few years back. As you say, it’s not a small decision.
Was there any particular facet of your personality that you discovered in this way? Some big moment of “recognition of self in character” that came out of the RP?
Yeah, I’m not up on the terms either, but that sounds like what she described… something so subtle out of place that it took decades for her to figure out, and which in hindsight does explain a few other “phases” she went through while looking for answers (notably religion, which unfortunately seems to attract a lot of young people who feel that dissonance, only to do more harm than good).
As to self-discovery… no, not really any big life-changing moment. It’s not about *being* someone else, so much as exercising the ability to look at things from the perspective of someone else… imaginary or otherwise.
RPG as empathy machine? I can dig it. In fact, I’m pretty sure there’s some scholarly work on that topic:
https://scholar.google.com/scholar?hl=en&as_sdt=0%2C11&q=rpg+empathy&btnG=
SQUEEEEEEEE!!! Welcome and Lovely to meet you Claire! Strange, I feel like we already know you rather well ^_~
I definitely understand the putting-oneself-in-the-character thing to perhaps an unhealthy degree, and maybe that’s why I think I have only ever played good-aligned characters? My fiance in particular describes me as “too pure for the real world” sometimes. I really don’t have a mean bone in my body it seems like. I have definitely also always been one of those people that REALLY gets into the character and feel things, not just in TTRPG but in video games, movies, books, etc. Whenever I identify with a character. Cried in loads of sessions. Sometimes have had other players like “whoa time out are you ok?” and I’m just like “YES I HAVE ENOUGH EMOTIONS FOR THREE PEOPLE IS ALL PLEASE KEEP GOING” *sniffle* *sob* “THIS IS REALLY GOOD STUFF”
I am however one of those lucky souls supposedly born in the properly gendered body, so this is one of those things to which I cannot personally relate but have always supported. My half-brother is trans and I remember my mom telling me and seeming very nervous how I would react. I told her “It doesn’t matter to me if I have a sister or a brother, they will always be Family.” My sincerest wish for you is that you are surrounded by supportive people ♥ Though it seems at least like this corner of the internet is already the most friendly.
On a comic-plotline note, curious to see if Necromancer will have any class alterations? I know there was a White Necromancer class (prestige?) in at least one version of TTRPG that I have seen but cannot for the life of me remember which it was. Probably a coin flip between DnD 3.5 and Pathfinder 1E though, that’s where I have spent the most time.
Thanks for the kind words, Lily Moon! And also for the unexpected sniffles:
I’m not crying! You’re crying!
We’ve talked about it a couple of times in this giant wall o’ comments, but the concept of bleed seems relevant here:
https://nordiclarp.org/wiki/Bleed
When the “role distance” between ourselves and the character is very small, our brains aren’t great at distinguishing the difference between worlds.
Actually, I’m now wondering what Walton would say about the relationship between bleed and his concept of quasi-emotions:
https://iep.utm.edu/fict-par/#H2
I’m too deep in my dissertation to go there properly, but it is an intriguing avenue for a potential next project. Thanks for the idea!
What, you think I have a plan for the end game? 😛
I will note that necromancy itself is not always inherently evil. It’s more about the way you use it / your spell selection
Necromancy having the ‘evil’ descriptor in a lot of editions does tend to mess with the perception i think. I was once told by someone that back in 2nd edition cure spells were under necromancy school instead of conjuration, which is really neat. very yin and yang feel for the duality of life and death. I never played 2nd though so maybe they lied to me :p
I’m most familiar with the [Evil] tag over in Pathfinder 1e. The Horror Adventures supplement said that casting such a spell 3 times will turn a good character evil. Just check out “Additional Information on the Evil Descriptor” over here:
https://www.d20pfsrd.com/Magic/#Additional_Information_on_the_Evil_Descriptor
But then again, there are some obvious problems with that stance:
https://rpg.stackexchange.com/questions/123399/is-casting-a-spell-with-the-evil-descriptor-an-evil-act
On second thought- does the revelation count if it was entirely in your head as part of headcanon for a self insert in a videogame instead of a table experience?
I have a few “baseline” reusable versions of characters for videogames, some of whom are based on dnd chars i did play at one point, or wrote up and stuck in a “play this eventually” folder, and probably more than one is a fan oc for some other piece of media.
For me, i have put, in my own headcanon, a LOT of myself into my character in FF14, the mmo. Several years ago, with the help of a friend and some family, I went through a rough revelation that 1- i had depression and 2- it was mainly because of my at the time boyfriend of nearly 7 years and 3-he was aaaaaactually a manipulative sneaky jackass who had groomed and controlled me plus 4- i was developing feelings for someone else who actually was supportive of who i really was but had almost forgotten
I went through a ‘using my art as therapy’ stint during my transition of breaking up with said jackass, coming to terms with the fact my life was going to be very upheaved, and that i had a lot of late growing up to do and it was going to be work. And therapy. Much therapy. Identifying with Elsa in Frozen should have been a clue too i guess. because the lovely gentleman from point 4 was my friend in game, and because i was so much more myself online than in person, i started to identify my character visually with marts of myself and that was a thing in my art. my character had red hair and green eyes, and was the race with scales like a lizard or dragon. I drew a lot of self portraits with scales molting and stuff like the hair changing colors halfway down and the like.
fast forward to last year. i am now engaged to that man from online after almost seven years together, having moved twice after having to move back in with my dad after the breakup. i finished college, got a job (not using my degree though, blast), got my drivers license at 27, fixed my credit my ex helped ruin in my name, and got my first car. i’ve mentioned the magus from the solo pathfinder game he ran for me a few times here. Her campaign was to ressurect the dead goddess of healing, and for the next campaign i was going to play a priestess of said goddess. i put a lot into her, and even without playing that campaign hardly at all the really lived rent free in my head as a sort of avatar of my ideal self almost.
now i still play ff14, and i had started feeling kind of not-myself when i looked at my character. and it kind of hit me- because of the time in my life when i made her, and all the traits i had headcannoned onto her, i had in a way outgrown her. i think i spent a good three hours at work sort of mulling stuff over to myself ( i work more with my hands so my brain is free to wander as long as the body keeps moving) and literally feeling like i had IRL leveled up and gotten a +2 to wisdom. I went home and namechanged and appearance changed my character that day, to one more based on that priestess. the person meant to be ‘me’ stopped feeling like me, so i made it the new ‘me’.
it literally felt almost like i was self aware of growing out of an angsty teenage phase just in my early thrities. i tried and failed to explain to my friends why i changed the character i had since forever, but it didnt really matter to anyone but me. and thats ok. i even sort of worked in the transition headcannoned into the story in my own way, and changed how i imagine her reacting with npcs and such. but she is still a healer and always has been. just like me- too damn nice for her own good.
i still don’t feel like i explained it very well, but i hope this made some kind of sense. i guess what im trying to say is, even if its just roleplaying with yourself you can have a revelation about yourself. even if all that is, is simply that youve actually grown up a bit. even if you still have a long way to go. and that’s okay too. i like to think its never too late to change and we never stop learning.
Out of my head, Charles!
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Eg3WE6WWAAAkpDy.jpg
I mean, every totally-cis dude wants to be an ice sorceress, right?
As for identification with the avatar, I’ma recommend Sherry Turkle.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sherry_Turkle
She’s the big name in my world for online identity formation. There’s also a notable transition between her early work in “Life On Screen” and the latter “Alone Together.” It’s got a focus on social media, but there is some video game work in there as well. More to the point, she comes from a psychoanalytic background, and that seems like an angle that might be of interest to you.
danah boyd is the other big one:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Danah_boyd
I still want to read her “Participatory Culture in a Networked Era,” as co-author Henry Jenkins is a major figure in my own research.
I’ll actually buck the trend here and say no, I haven’t ever found much of myself in a character. Or maybe it’s the opposite, that none of my characters have been well-defined enough to be separate from myself. It’s probably due to preferring a crunchier, more gameplay-oriented style, and the storytelling to be more plot- than character-driven. The idea of using it as a tool to explore other identities has just never been particularly appealing to me. Also, I’m basically always a DM, and never really had an opportunity to dig into a particular character.
I have been told recently that all of my NPCs are kinda assholes, but I already knew that about myself XD
Congrats on coming out!
Thanks for the grats.
And yeah, this sort of role-identification is explicitly NOT mandatory for paying RPGs. And I know a lot of folks who get uncomfortable at the prospect of using a fun leisure activity as some kind of psychoanalytic cypher.
Still, I think that the term “role distance” remains useful, as it sounds like you have a greater distance between yourself and your characters than some of the folks on this thread:
https://www.sociologyguide.com/basic-concepts/role-distance.php#:~:text=Role%20distance%20is%20a%20term,and%20individual%20commitment%20to%20role.
Don’t really have much to add, but congratulations! 🙂
Thank you and and I like your avatar. Those two things. 🙂
Congratulations on the new levels in Insight (Self)!
Vis-à-vis this strip’s question, I’m afraid to say that the only deep psychological insights I’ve experienced are that I’m quite happy as-is. I’m not going to entirely rule out coming back in a few years to report otherwise, but it seems very unlikely.
Funny you should mention that. Today’s comic unironically made me pause to consider whether you could actually do that in a game.
Case in point: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pWS8Mg-JWSg
‘I’m not quite sure about that one, Galahad. Give me an Insight (Self) check.’
*clatter clatter clatter*
‘Yeah, that checks out. In a moment of horrified realisation, you know in your heart of hearts that your true favourite colour is actually *yellow*. You are hurled into the canyon, and taaaaake, oof, 103 damage.’
Hello, Claire! Congratulations on your transition!
I definitely did something similar with gaming, myself. I finally concluded my own gender journey about two years ago with the discovery that I’m ace and agender. (Years of missing the androgynous body I had as a teen and minimizing boob sliders but refusing to play male characters had something to do with that.)
Last summer I finally made an agender character, partially as a way to test out how ‘they’ felt as a pronoun. Once I was used to consistently using ‘they’, I started using it for myself with a new group, despite playing a female character. It turned out that in that group of 7, there were three ‘they’s, which helped a lot.
So far everyone I’ve told has been supportive. I even had a great-aunt send me a message asking me to explain some terms. Once she had the words to say it, she realized that she, too, was agender and had never known it, and confessed that she’d always felt ‘broken’ somehow and was so happy to know she wasn’t.
That’s so wonderful that your insight helped your great-aunt with their own!
Thanks for the kinds words.
Grats to you as well. And my compliments on that great-aunt connection. As it turns out, once you self-actualize you gain the ability to help others. That’s basically a super power. 🙂
Hello Claire, congrats on figuring yourself out!
Also nope, I don’t think I could ever intentionally process my personal issues in a game night setting. I’m very happy that it worked out for you, but I can’t shake the feeling, that I would be unjustly burdening the others at the table.
My friends and I adjust our overflowing-with-boring-adult-stuff-schedules to come together for a good time and instead I decide to hold them as emotional hostages, outsourcing my therapist’s efforts. Even thinking up that hypothetical situation is making me anxious.
Cheers, Necrolai! Thanks for the kind words.
Honestly, this psychodrama business doesn’t sound like my cup of tea either (and for the same reasons your describe). But it’s been rattling around in the back of my head since I read about it in… some pop-scholarly text or other. Of Dice & Men maybe? Point is that some groups actually do get together to RP getting over their issues. And even if that mess sounds crazy intense and possibly un-fun, and the games scholar in me (rather than the hobbyist gamer) is intrigued to give it as shot.
Hello old friend.
Thank you for sharing and congratulations. This long time lurker wishes that you always find a wind behind your sails, safe anchorage every eve and the finest of vittles in the many adventures ahead. X
Well met by mage’s forum, Dirigible! 😀
I always liked Jack Vance for the salutation:
https://cdn.quotes.pub/660×400/while-we-are-alive-we-should-sit-among-colore-204163.jpg
I suppose I should slip in here and add to the chorus of well-wishes.
Roleplay can definitely be a means to explore facets of yourself in a safe environment. Of course, it can also just be a way to look at the world in different ways (my personal experience with crossplay – I’ve run a lot of female characters because they seemed to be interesting characters). But that’s what makes roleplaying great! It can be many things to many people, and none of those experiences invalidate or diminish anyone else’s experiences.
Well said. I find myself intrigued by the difference between “plausible deniability exploration” and “purposeful exploration.” Kind of makes me wonder what games and experiences are suited to the latter.
I haven’t actually played it, but I would think that the game Thirsty Sword Lesbians is designed for “purposeful exploration.” Or at least “being yourself when you feel like you can’t in real life.”
Hi Claire, you’re a pretty wizard (who is hopefully with an understanding and loyal thief https://www.handbookofheroes.com/archives/comic/core-values ). Isn’t it so exciting to realize who you are? I hope that very few people in the comments try to insult you or stop your beautiful smile. I don’t know whether your smile is classically beautiful, but trans people who have cracked (come out to themselves and the world) typically have very joyful smiles. Good luck going through the entire archive to change your deadname to the proper one!
Aaaaaaanyways, I had previously thought that my gender identity was more in the middle of non-binary because I was fine with some people using she/her pronouns for my AFAB self; I didn’t feel the need to correct everyone. A friend of mine recently has been able to herd some friends together to play the D&D module “The Storm King’s Thunder” (very minor spoilers ahead).
In the first session, we encountered the smashed village of Nightstone being looted by goblins. After killing the wargs and some goblins, we captured a goblin to interrogate about all the destruction and what the goblins wanted. I asked where the townsfolk were, since my character had family in the town and was worried, but I had a mediocre charisma (intimidation) roll. The goblin said “many tall folk eaten by ogres, all dead family of tall lady”. Instead of just pretending to be angry at a goblin that was rude to my effeminate male elf, I was genuinely angry about being called a lady. The DM immediately stopped to ask for our character’s pronouns once they realized I was actually pissed, then apologized for assuming. After the session, I thought about why being called lady hurt so much. I realized I don’t like being called any sort of feminine term, but whenever someone uses she/her pronouns for me or calls me something feminine, I just make up an excuse about why I shouldn’t correct that person. However, in this realm of fantasy, I’m not burdened by my desire to keep the peace, so I am free to tell Derp the goblin that I’ll castrate him if I’m called a lady again.
That session was only a few weeks ago, but that realization solidified the fact that I am trans masculine and encouraged me that I was on the right path. I now introduce myself with he/him and they/them pronouns at my local Pride board game group (and to anyone else who asks), and I’m even starting testosterone!
I mean… Surely it’s just a coincidence that Laurel updated her icon?
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/FZvL4k-XkAET6kH?format=png&name=small
Grats to you and Derp the goblin for your epiphany. I hope that starting T goes well for you. And in the finest of dwarven traditions: “May your beard grow ever longer!”
Hi, Claire! Congratulations on your self-discovery and on coming out. On a meta-level (because I know you are a fan of meta-analysis of media and its space in a wider culture) congratulations on cultivating a community where coming out as trans has been met with nothing but positivity and acceptance in a comment section on the internet. Taming the wild beast of the interwebs is no mean feat, and it speaks to the quality and dedication you have put into it.
To your question, while it is never as paradigm-shifting as the examples you gave, I often look back at my decisions in character, especially when they are coming from a part of my character inspired by myself, as a means of introspection. While I am rarely surprised, I am often reminded of aspects of myself that I hadn’t been focusing on and of ways in which I have to watch my behavior, both in real life and in game, to avoid being a “that guy”. At times, especially when engaging in negative interactions or PVP, I find it useful to make sure that the other players are aware that my in-character actions do not reflect my personal beliefs and to check that they are not mad OOC.
PS: While I don’t like using my real name online, I wanted you to know that I’m the Bardic Studies major from the Construction and Analysis of Illusion class at the National Academy of Artifice (go Dire Bees!)
Maybe I’m a naive optimist, but I like to believe that a lot of the negativity we all see is a product of Mean World Syndrome:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mean_world_syndrome
Everyone has been positive thus far, and I’m ridiculously relieved about it.
Smart policy. You sometimes risk feeling a little too touchy feely when you do this, but I think that minor discomfort is worth it to ward off actual hurt feelings.
Go dire bees! Just now saw that you’d commented. Somehow lost track of these last few comments, and straight up hadn’t seen ya until now. 🙂
Hello Claire, congratulations. I find I often use roleplaying to explore different perspectives and elements of the human experience, when I was in the deepest parts of my depression and dealing with a toxic relationship I found my characters suffered similarly, and I suspect at least one of my GM’s used it as an opportunity to present similar situations as a method of encouraging me to find ways to work through my issues and identify toxic traits in relationships. Which eventually I managed to do!
As someone who regularly feels uncomfortable or wrong in their own skin (An element of Dyspraxia) I’ve always been fascinated by characters that can change and transform themselves, and learning the challenges that other people face puts them and my own into better perspective. Though I appreciate that is from a position of relative privilege.
Hey Strix. Thanks for the kind words. 🙂
As a point of comparison to your own experiences, I’m currently playing a bleachling gnome over in Pathfinder…
https://pathfinderwiki.com/wiki/Bleaching
…And I was taken aback when my GM told me that I could reroll if I wanted to. The dude in question is a close friend, and he reasoned that an emotionally dead male PC might not be appropriate anymore post-coming-out. I declined since I still enjoy the PC’s character concept, but it’s truly startling when you start looking for bits of yourself inside of your own PCs. That connection hadn’t occurred to me. And while I still think (even upon reflection) that it’s coincidence rather than subconscious projection, it was still a trip when a friend made the obvious connection.
Hello Claire, and congratulations on reaching a conclusion about yourself and making this decision who you are.
A couple of years ago, a friend of mine came out as Trans – and after my congratulations to her for discovering herself, I did wonder about myself for a while. Many things in her experience seemed to gel – we’d both been playing female characters that had received a lot of ourselves put into them. And I’d made a specific effort not only get a character of mine pregnant but to also then play out that pregnancy as fully as I could. But there were also differences – she’d always played female characters as soon as she’d started Roleplaying, whilst I’d always played a mixed bag, often determining the character’s sex at the end of concept-creation via a dice-roll. So, I did some more experimentation with a few things – shaving my legs felt good, but trying out clothing/makeup got only an internal ‘meh’. I also made another male character in the same setting – actually, the brother of the female character I’d been playing – and found that I found him equally as fun to play as his sister. Nothing was hitting me wrong with him, where as my friend had started finding male characters ‘wrong’ to play after her decision. So the eventual conclusion I made was that it didn’t just feel like ‘internal me’ really had a gender at all, and that whilst I could dip into and enjoy a female experience in-character, I didn’t really need to make the identity cross-over outside it for the things that I could actually obtain through it.
(The idea of being pregnant, alas, being an aspect I’d discovered I did want for myself but sadly one that would sadly be biologically unobtainable, no matter my decision on personal expression)
RP offers some tremendous opportunities to experience life from new angles and viewpoints, and trying them out offers us all amazing opportunity to try these out and decide what we want. I’m happy it helped you find out who you are inside, and hope that you will be able to bring that inner self out. (Also, your new Wizard avatar is beautiful!)
Good on ya for having the courage to make an honest experiment. I wish I’d made the attempt earlier. 🙂
Thanks for the kind words about the avatar! I shall pass your compliment to the illustrator and also my local Sephora sales lady.
I too have come to the conclusion that I don’t have any real internal gender identity beyond what I’ve been conditioned to have by society. And now I’m unable to escape the naggng suspicion that maybe nobody else really does either; that it’s just layers of conditioning, The first layer of conditioning saying “you must have THIS gender identity”, and a second more insidious layer of conditioning saying “you must have A gender identity” which ensnares those who have broken the first layer of conditioning. And since the specific ideals of what it means to be a man or a woman seem to change much faster than the evolutionary timescale how could they possibly be inborn, only the very broadest strokes that remain constant could possibly be hereditary. This thought haunts me; there are times when I can’t sleep at night or concentrate during the day because I keep coming back to it.
It’s also part of the reason why I love the wizard in this comic. The wizard got turned into a lady and, as far as I can tell, didn’t give a damn either way; I can appreciate that.
*slamming fists on table* one of us, one of us, one of us!
In all seriousness, congrats! And don’t worry about “missing the signs”, I was playing exclusively female characters in video games and getting overly attached to my catfolk gunslinger PC ( who was a girl when I wasn’t yet ) for years and years before I figured it out!
Gooble gobble, gooble gobble! 😛
From what I’ve seen in online forums and such, it looks like a Homer Simpson-style “D’oh!” is a pretty common sentiment. Retrospection is a bitch.
Greetings Claire! Happy to see you thriving. Hope to see you again one day
– Guy from Prague in the Irish Bar
Holy shit! Ben! That was a fantastic night. Only bar I’ve ever been to with people literally dancing on the tables.
Drop me a DM on the Twitter if you’d like to exchange information: https://twitter.com/HandbookHeroes
Congratulations Claire! I’m very happy you’ve found your true self and that you have so many supportive and loving people around you.
For the QotD: I use gaming mostly for socialising. But also venting. As a forever GM this means I get to play all the villains I want to see taken down in the real world. I do sometimes wonder if my players are getting tired of taking down all the rich, narcissistic, sociopaths who are exploiting/oppressing the poor, not giving a f*** about the harm they cause, and telling everyone ‘it’s for everyone’s good.’ Then I think, “Nah.”
So RP is not much of a personal exploration for me. I know I’m a big old leftie; have done since I was a teen. But it is nice to see villains getting their come-uppance, even if only in a game.
Cheers, Glen!
I imagine that the thought experiment of “defeating IRL villains” can be useful as well. It gives you more perspective / ammunition when it comes to figuring out the best rhetoric to oppose ’em IRL.
Hello Claire and congrats for figuring stuff out.
Identity formation is a journey.
I’ve taken to singing live-band karaoke recently, and it’s all manner of confusing figuring out what I’m supposed to perform in that situation. Given my vocal range, I settled on “I Want You to Want Me” in the style of Elvis last week.